Saturday, July 28, 2012

What did I sign up for?

I walk in and look around trying not to show how nervous I am, but it is my first time and I have no idea what to expect. I am not sure if I can do this and wonder if I can sneak out. The music starts and I am given instruction on how to start moving. It feels okay at first but we are just getting started. The positions get harder to do and I am not sure I am cut out for this. My heart is pumping faster and I am covered in sweat.

We move to the floor and I am trying to relax as instructed, but it is starting to hurt. I am told "Lift your bottom off the floor and swing your hips left to right, you should start to feel it in your inner thighs..Do you feel it in your inner thigh? Does it hurt?" Okay by now I am lying on the ground and start to laugh because I am thinking how dirty this sounds and feels. Let me clarify that I am not auditioning for a Porn movie, but it is my first night a Boot Camp class!

If anyone was listening outside the studio the rumors would be flying with all the music, moaning, groaning and heavy breathing. My life is so glamorous!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

50 Shades of Ken and Barbie...

So my daughter turned 5 this week and she was very excited to open her gifts! She talked all week about what she was getting and asked everyone in the family what they were getting her. She wanted more then anything to get the Wedding Day Barbie set! All her hopes and dreams at 5 would be complete if she could get that set! She talked about that set for weeks! This was not just any Barbie set you know..this had the whole wedding party including Ken, Barbie, flower girls, rings, wedding cake, presents and Barbie's wedding gown. Can you feel the absolute pure excitement of a 5 year old in absolute awe of the possibility of holding a dream in her hands! It was time to open gifts and her eyes were wide with excitement and when she got to "THE GIFT" she let out a shout of excitement and hugged the box tight. Life is Good and turning 5 is fabulous. It was hard to keep her focused to finish her party and Thank everyone before I let her open every box and pull out all her new toys and begin her play marathon.

It was a great day and everyone left so I opened all her new toys and let her play while I cleaned up and put everything away. When I left her she had the Wedding set all out and lined up and she was slipping off into her princess fantasy world and Barbie was getting married! It was really sweet how happy she was. 

Half hour later....I walk in to check on her and I felt like I was walking onto the set of a Porno movie and my daughter was the Director! By now the wedding party all had their clothes off and she was holding Ken who was all in his plastic naked glory and she was having him hug Barbie all in her hot plastic nakedness! Ken then put his hand on Barbie's butt cheeks and pulled her in close for their first dance as a married couple. I stood there for a few to see what else would happen..praying no more then dancing would be going on! Then I heard my daughter construct her pretend conversation between went like this.

Ken: Barbie you look great!

Barbie: Thanks Ken, so do you.

Ken: I love you!

Barbie: I love you to, but should we be doing this?

Ken: We are married now..we can do whatever we want.

Barbie: giggle...giggle..Ken you are so funny!

(The conversation continued..)

I kept standing there wondering if I should be horrified or start laughing. I felt like I was watching Mattel's version of 50 Shades of Grey and thinking about a Christian Grey Ken doll and an Anastasia Steele Barbie doll. I wonder if Barbie will sign a contract and what will be her safe words? Barbie Mansion? or maybe Plastic? Good lord! I return to the pretend conversation still going on..

Ken: It has been a long day..we should get ready for bed.(My heart stops for a second)

Barbie: Let me get my nightgown on (Makes dance naked but get dressed for bed? what a whore ..:)
Ken: I will meet you in the bedroom..(and he walks away with his hard plastic butt shining in the moonlight)

And before she can join him I put a stop to this reaching 50 shades if you know what I mean. I alert my daughter of my presence and tell her it is time for her to take a bath. She is disappointed but tells her dolls she will play with them tomorrow and goes running off. I start to walk away and go back get Ken and Barbie dressed again in their wedding clothes. I don't need anymore Plastic Porn going on...

Friday, July 6, 2012

From the Paw not the Jaw Part 2...A Dog's Eye View

Hello everyone it is me Taz, you know the blind overweight Pug and my owner is the woman trying to  achieve Mother of the Year status..yeah right. Well I don't have much time on here, but I told you I would be back to finish my story. If you need to get caught up you can go and check out Part 1, but if not let's get started. Again you need to bare with me because I am not the best with keyboards and typing and oh yeah I am blind.
 So if you are up to speed you know that I am morbidly obese and have uncontrolled Diabetes and I am overdue on most of my shots. I won't bore you with the details again. I wanted to share with you before but couldn't with the MOTY blogger standing over my shoulder, that there use to be two of us. Yes, I had a sister, Karma Lou Belle. We were together for 10 years and she was my best friend! Life was always better when I had her to help deal with the "Gremlins". I will be honest that she was not in the best of health either and the two of us did not age gracefully, but I loved her! Then came that fateful day when we thought it was just another crazy day at the asylum, I mean house. It happened so fast, but before I knew it the youngest Gremlin AKA "The Beast" was standing at the top of the stairs with a big football in her hands. Then she hurled it down the stairs. I remember darting out of the way, but Karma was not fast enough and the football hit her in the head and she dropped to the ground. I was in shock as I watched the family surround her and before I knew it they were out the door bringing her to the vet. Well it turns out that Karma had a brain tumor and the blow to the head was just a freak accident that made it worse, but she would have gotten worse regardless. Needless to say I always keep one eye open when the youngest Gremlin is around and I am not sure I really believe the whole story. I do find amusement in her brothers telling people that she killed the family dog and she freaks out every time and says it is not true and that she was sick. I picture her older brothers toasting her on her wedding day and telling the story of the day she killed their dog with a football, classic. I miss my sister but since it has only been me I do get all of the attention and it is not all bad. And when I say attention, I mean I do get fed most days on time and I only have to seek water from other sources occasionally.
There is also amusement in the fact that my Mom..The Blogger..had a warrant out on her because she did not license me. I chuckled over that one. My Dad is a police officer and he called her to tell her she had a warrant out and she needed to get me licensed ASAP! Well my Mom could not get me licensed because she had not had me vaccinated and had no proof of rabies. So that meant a trip to the vet and a full work up on me and then listening to my mom explain to everyone that she needed to me updated so she could not have a warrant out on her. Really nice! And she wonders why she is not getting nominated for Mother of the Year?? Really?? Warrants?? Dead dogs by Footballs?? Do I need to go on..sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer!  Oh no I hear her coming..gotta go..

Please Vote for me on Top Mommy Bloggers by clicking on the Top Right Corner!!