Saturday, April 25, 2015

Couch to 5k app can kiss my a**

I am not exactly what you would call an athletic person, unless using the original twist wine opener when the batteries run out on my automatic one counts. Okay, so I guess not. I haven't always been in this category, I did grow up playing sports for years and the thought of those very old memories make my muscles ache. I do remember running at one time but not sure how I did that to be honest. The whole idea of running sounds so exhausting.

The 2015 Boston Marathon just took place on April 20th and that is the one time every year in Boston that inspires people to try and do the impossible and push the human spirit. Especially this year with Maickel Melamed the Venezuelan man with Muscular Dystrophy that finished the Boston Marathon after 20 hours and pushing through driving rain. When I saw that story I could not make anymore excuses of why I couldn't try to get out there. So I decided to join my friends who are running the ALS 5k road race at the end of June, plenty of time for me to start my training.  And what better reason to start running and support an amazing cause. Now where do I start? A friend suggested I download the Couch to 5k app, sounds like a plan.

Now I should mention my technology skills are on the same page as my athletic skills, and words like downloading and app store make me want to break out in hives. With the help of my own personal Geek Squad in the form of my 10 year old son I managed to get this app on my dinosaur of an iPhone (I believe I still have an original that isn't even supported anymore) and after multiple apple password changes (this should have been a sign) I believe I am ready. Oh wait I need music! I don't believe my music folder consisting of Josh Grobin's Christmas album and Adelle's broken heart songs is going to help my cause. Again, struggling with my iPhone limitations and me thinking Pandora was a tropical Island I'm pretty much shit out of luck. After everything I went through to get this app on my phone I'm not turning back and I already committed to the June race so I turn to Geek Squad (my son) one more time and manage to get one song, Uptown Funk! now we are talking and I am so ready. I am definitely smoother then a fresh jar of skippy! Let's do this! Wait..I need to get dressed and find sneakers..sneakers would be good.

So getting dressed and finding semi athletic clothes and dusting off my running sneakers (which were bought because I liked the colors, not for running) I'm already exhausted. I think I pulled a muscle trying to get my sports bra on, seriously those things are dangerous. Believe me not for any reasons having to do with size but the shear fact of having 3 kids and breast feeding all 3 kids (not because I am trying to lead a sit in at a mall demanding acceptance of public breast feeding but all 3 kids came out asking for the boob and I had to beat them off with a stick). So this has left the girls totally shot and unable to stand at attention anymore and wrangling and stuffing them into a spandex trap is not the easiest task. I am already sweating and have not even started the app. I am starting to get a stomach ache from nerves.

I'm ready! I got my hair up in a cute pony tail and my sneakers are laced up and I am trying to channel my inner Shalane Flanagan (who by the way I have a girl crush on, she is amazing) and I am ready to push start on this couch to 5k app! And let me back up just a second and clarify that my pony tail is as cute as can be for a 43 year old woman whose 7 year old daughter was her stylist this morning. Okay..Let's go!

I manage to start the app and my one song and we are off! The woman's voice on the app is very pleasant and I have decided to name her Betty. Betty and I are going to be best friends I can tell already. So Betty says "start warm up" (5:00 minutes on the clock)..I start to walk with a pep in my step , proud of myself and full of excitement. I am really doing this! I enjoy the fresh air and time to myself and begin to think how fit I am going to be and I have a big smile on my face when I almost lose track and Betty's voice interrupts Bruno Mars and my funk "Begin running" (60 seconds on clock) Holy crap this is really happening! I begin to run, the fresh air starts to feel annoying and my legs are in shock and muttering their own potty words in the wind.  Just when I think I might have to stop good old Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) I try to gather my breathe that has begun to sound more like a freight train, my head is pounding and the first thoughts of "running sucks" enter my mind. People do this for fun? My stomach starts to hurt. Betty once again "begin running" (60 seconds on clock) I realize with every foot step that lands on the pavement my bladder feels like it is going to release from the pressure. And I cannot be positive I haven't peed myself a little already. Note to self, add maxi pads to running wardrobe. I start to wonder if there is a Kegal exercise app to remind me to start working on my pelvic floor muscles . (Kegal: Exercise that strengthens the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, small intestines and rectum, You can discreetly do these exercises anytime..Good to know..I love google) So as I try to start my kegals and attempt to run without peeing my pants good ole Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) My stomach is really starting to hurt now and I am in a panic because I am not near my house by this time. My legs hurt and my cute pony tail has fallen out and my hair is all over the place and my face is bright red. I pass by 2 little kids who begin to squirt me with water guns. I give them a death glare and tell myself to just stay calm and smile. I really wanted to grab the water guns out of their grubby little hands. Do they realize this is not a time to be messing with a woman trying to run, not pee herself and not poop herself. Betty "begin running" (60 seconds on the clock) I honestly now hate Betty and hate running! I pray someone I know drives by and offers me a ride. My stomach cramps intensify and I wonder if I can stop at a strangers house and ask to use their bathroom, that wouldn't be horrifying at all. I begin to think I will end up being Uta Pippig in the 1996 Boston Marathon (google that if you need to) and I will show up back at my house greeted by my family with shocked stares. I plan my strategy of sneaking in the back door to the downstairs bathroom and burning my running outfit if the worse case scenario happens. Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) When will this nightmare end? The torture of running and walking continues on and I now pray nobody I know drives by. I start to talk out loud and fight with Betty and then realize how heavy my butt feels with every step and thank God I have my gut to help off set the strain of my butt. So as the butt / gut giggle show continues I wonder if people I don't know are driving by me thinking "kudos to that pregnant woman out running!". Good lord! Betty is now the most annoying woman ever and I feel as if I have officially lost my mind and delirious with exhaustion and sweat. Is it a mirage or is that my house? Thank God that is my house!! I made it! I didn't pee myself and I did not become Uta..see ya Betty you suck and running sucks.

Day 1 complete! (30 minutes total)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

How Shark Week turned into Girls Night Out!

Last week I was miserable and apparently my family agreed and was ready to vote me off our family Island. I started on my rant of that I work and I have 3 kids, a husband and a blind diabetic dog that I do everything for everyone..blah blah blah!! I should have known that my meltdown over spilled orange juice was a bit off the charts and even surpassed my Exorcist, head spinning and pea soup vomit flying moments. Yikes! All of a sudden it hit me and I realized I was heading into full blown Shark Week! That explains it! I felt so much better and such relief , but my husband was still looking at me like I was crazy and was not going to make any sudden movements around me. One would think ever since I read "Are you there God? It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume when I was 11, I would always be prepared, but apparently not. So as I am feeling better with the knowledge that my craziness is temporary and will pass my family is not so sure and are not thrilled with the effects of my crazy moods and giving me strange looks. As my 8 year old son is asking my husband what Shark Week is I chuckle and wonder why we couldn't go back to the good old days of women being banished from their villages during Shark Week. Oh those must have been the days.

Imagine being told that you were banished from your house once a month during Shark week with all the other women and we all headed off to Shark retreat and hung out drinking wine and relaxing. I am convinced   this is how Girls Night out evolved over the years. A long time ago women were forced to leave their villages and families during the week of "Red Death" :) The men could not understand how women could bleed for a week straight and not die and rant and rave like they were possessed, there had to be some kind of voodoo involved and this was bad luck for their crops and cattle. So women were banished! It was a scary time at first being forced to leave their homes and head out alone to sit over a dirt hole, but as the women were sitting alone they realized it wasn't so bad. No chores, no cooking and no tending to children. Shark week was starting to evolve into something kind of fun. As the women were banished each month and they started to congregate they formed nice groups and bonded over conversations. They also gathered berries for food while they were gone and realized that berries could be turned into some great juice and when left from week to week and it fermented...enter wine!    Of course as years went by and people realized that Shark week was not voodoo but a fact of life the women were no longer banished from their homes but women missed those banished times and started to schedule their own self imposed banishment with their girlfriends. Enter Girls Night Out!

So maybe my family won't officially banish me from my home (a girl can dream), and I might not kill a crop season,  when Shark week hits I need to grab a bottle of wine and banish myself:)

Friday, March 15, 2013

How YOUUUUU Doing??? Wink Wink....

It is a normal Friday night when all the craziness of the week releases with a big deep breath and the relief of knowing I don't have to shower tomorrow morning (yes this excites me) and running in the store to grab a bottle of wine. As I run in to get my liquid therapy, I am waiting in line behind all the other Friday Freedom Warriors when I notice a guy checking me out and I feel myself blushing a little and automatically tossing my hair and trying to act like it is normal to just be this hot and pretend I don't notice the appreciative stare. Okay this is where I let you know that my "hotness" consists of me still wearing my work clothes with my Ugg boots I threw on for total comfort and my 5 year old daughters neon purple head band to pull my hair back and okay I started my Saturday morning no shower rule a day early! So with all that I am still going with my hot image of myself and now I should mention the guy checking me out was slightly older (okay he might have known Jesus) and he might have been missing some teeth and possibly smelled like he napped with a blanket soaked in grain alcohol, but he was checking ME out!! Boo ya!! So I grabbed my wine and walked out the store with a little extra pep in my step. The "I still got it!!" step. The I could have been in one the 80's Whitesnake videos for sure and rocked that scene with flipping my Aquanet soaked hair and acid wash jeans on top of a cherry red corvette. (No I swear I have not started the wine drinking yet..just grabbed my bottle)

So I am now safely inside my car and I start to laugh out loud thinking how silly I am that I honestly was flattered that Grizzly Adams thought I was a fine young Filly. How did this happen? (don't answer that!) How did I go from OMG! really how gross if a less then desirable decided to check me out all the way to..I'll take it! And I will tell myself that I can still rock it!! So life has gone from heading out all young and cute with my friends cramming into a cab over the passenger limits because the driver didn't care transporting hot now being psyched that we can all cram into a minivan that fits us all and heading out for the rare pub crawl! So now when I am thrown a Joey Tribbiani "How YoUUU Doin??" I tuck my hair behind one ear and blush a little..maybe a giggle or two...grab the kids and tell myself "You are still one hot mama!!!" 

Boo Ya!!!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Get this Woman a Glass of Wine Stat!!

I was picking my daughter up from ballet class the other day and the kids were still in the studios while the parents waited outside and I saw a woman sitting there with a little girl throwing a tantrum next to her. Not just any tantrum, but one that every Mother can relate to and I saw the look of desperation on this woman's face and I ran over to her. (I literally ran over to her and I think I might have even pushed someone out of the way in the process.) I don't know this woman, but when I reached her I asked if she had wine in her house and would she be able to pour a glass when she got home. She looked up at me confused at first because as she is trying to tune out her child that is freaking out in epic proportions, "me" the total stranger is asking about wine! She then started to smile and looked relieved and told me she did have wine and that her daughter was going to bed early and she was going to sit and relax with a glass of wine. I talked to her for a few minutes and had her laughing and by this point her daughter had stopped freaking out and was staring at me, wondering who the nut was talking to her Mom. I felt much better as we all left the dance studio and as I got in my car I started to laugh out loud. I am thinking about what a lunatic I am running up to strangers making sure they have wine because I was ready to go get this woman a bottle of wine if she did not have one. I can remember some really bad moments with my kids and feeling so overwhelmed and wishing someone had run to my side offering some kind words, or a smile or to make sure I had a stock of wine in my house!

As I drove home I was thinking about what a nice person I am to be so concerned about my fellow Moms and I had some real talents that I should be sharing. I could be a Super Hero and I started to think of names and costumes, and I could make this huge for all Moms everywhere! I think I would be the "Masked Merlot Mama" and I need to form my Mom Justice League. Who is with me?? I picture Super Hero Moms everywhere covering parks, grocery stores, ballet classes, karate name it! When we hear the whining and crying of a tantrum we know there is a Mom nearby that needs us! I picture running around the corner like Spiderman or Superman and turning in a flash into my "Masked Merlot Mama" with a cool belt that had bottles of wine, openers and glasses :) I need to get the word out to all Moms and when they are in need they need to flash the wine glass in the sky to alert the Moms Justice League!!

Okay I need to get started on my costume and building the Merlot Cave and the Merlot Mobile!! Until next time keep your eyes on the sky!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Pinterest Can kiss My A*&!

So as if Facebook is not setting the bar high enough for Parents to keep up with their "Perfect Families" and post non-stop sugar coated statements of living on Candy Cane Lane and Sugar Plum Fairies dancing through their houses! Enter my Nemesis.."Pinterest"! I have many friends and family members who have fallen under the spell of Pinterest and were drawn towards the shiny light and are hooked. I personally went on once to see what it was all about and wanted to break out in hives from the overload of perfection and cuteness :) I am not sure how my kids are going to survive with a Mom that does not join the Pinterest family so I decided to check it out again with the help of my friend who is a Pinterest junkie.

Maybe I was wrong about Pinterest...There are endless ideas to help enhance my life on Candy Cane Lane!   So I decided to give it a try and get my pinning on..

How did I ever live without Pinterest and all the nifty ideas that can help me get my Brady Bunch on. So my kids no longer watch their morning cartoons sitting on the couch, but watch them from their new forts I whip up with the old bed sheets and pillows. Then they enjoy a wonderful breakfast of waffles in the shape of Hogwarts School of Wizardry with homemade syrup. As they wait for the bus we make pretend snow cones with the fresh snow from our latest New England storm and make flavors with my homemade food coloring. When they are off to school I head back to the kitchen to throw together one of my 101 crockpot dinner recipes to simmer all day as I work. I am so excited to try my new seasonings and herbs I have growing in my kitchen window with the natural sunlight. I notice all the dog hair I have not had time to vacuum up and remember I can just open the back door and sweep out the hair for the animals to make warm winter nests. I cannot wait to try my new homemade bath scrubs tonight made out of Mint leaves, blueberries and strawberries all crushed up. I grab the scones I made for my coworkers as I run out the door...

Reality check!! Pinterest can kiss my A#$!!! 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I was promoted to "Poop Queen!"

As a Mom I have many talents and I juggle many titles and jobs, but imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out this morning that I have been crowned "Poop Queen" by my family. Now if you have followed my blog you know that I am no stranger to the topic of Poop and many aspects of my life is surrounded by some type of poop whether it be human or animal.  Also, as a Mom you are so lucky to probably talk about poop several times a day from looking at poop, cleaning up poop, flushing poop, asking if someone pooped?, why does it smell like poop?, finding poop somewhere on you and by the grace of God you get to relax and poop in peace. Yes life is one big circle of Poop! Don't be mistaken by the "Circle of Life" but yes "Circle of Poop".

So today started like any old average Sunday and I was making my way to the coffee maker when I heard the familiar sounds of my kids discovering dog poop in the bathroom and squealing and screeching and exclaiming how gross it was and yelling for me to come quick. I roll my eyes and wonder how many times my kids need to see poop before they will not react this way. I make my way to the bathroom to find them looking at it and discussing how gross and how bad it smells and that maybe the dog stepped in part of it and what color it is and on and on. They could have already picked it up with toilet paper and flushed it by now, but no! Mom needs to see it and experience it and live it! I honestly think they feel they would be hurting my feelings by not letting me see it and pick it up. Then I tell them to get out of the bathroom as they take turns hopping over it and using the toilet for themselves and still exclaiming the whole time how gross it is! I manage to get them out and then the dog comes to inspect the situation and seems to look surprised that there is poop on the floor and looks at me as if I did it. I look back at him and ask him why he couldn't just eat his own poop once in awhile..yes people I did just say that. I am so sick of picking up poop and cleaning up poop..blah..blah...blah. So as I pick up the poop and flush it and grab some Lysol wipes to clean the floor my kids come back to make sure the deed is done. I ask them again "Why can't you guys pick it up once and awhile?" and they look at me with all seriousness and say "We know you like to do it?" As I stand there processing their words they continue "Yeah you are the Mom and you are Queen of the Poop!" I am still thinking about this and laugh out loud as they run away to play. My family actually truly believes I am the one in charge of poop and not only am I in charge of poop, but I love my role as Poop Queen and embrace it with such passion and enthusiasm. It all makes sense now!

So I move on with my day and my new title wondering if I might be getting a pay raise with this title or some sort of crown? Maybe I should be wearing some kind of badge or sash letting people know I am royalty. I thought about letting the guy know behind the deli counter and the guy pumping my gas today. This is huge news! This is not the kind of news that can be kept a secret. I bet there are Moms all over the world that don't even know they are part of a very special line of royalty. We should be having meetings and setting up rules, policies and procedures on how we will lead of our mighty kingdom of Poopland! Just when you think Motherhood could not get anymore rewarding your family pulls a secret like this out of the archives. It all makes sense now! I have such a renewed sense of fulfillment and purpose. I am walking a little taller today and there is a pep in my step and I have to say I am pretty excited. I want to shout from the rooftops and share my joy! I am Poop Queen!!

Not sure if there is an oath I should be taking, but I think it would go something like this...I Poop Queen...solemnly swear to wear my crown always with pride and dignity and promise to uphold the honor of Poop Queens everywhere..I promise to always flush every toilet I find with poop in it..I promise to run..not walk to every child's cry from the bathroom that they are ready to be wiped..I promise to pick up dog poop with a smile and twinkle in my eye..I promise to look over Poopland with a watchful eye and sniff out any poop that needs to be cleaned up and removed so nobody else ever be bothered by poop...I take my special skills very seriously and use them always for good and never for Evil!!!

I must go now my loyal subjects...I smell poop....

Until next time

Poop Queen

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Thursday, November 8, 2012

I know the Stork did not bring that baby!!

I remember growing up and all my cartoons would show a 1950's looking couple waiting for their baby to arrive and a stork would come flying in and drop a baby in a basket at the front door or fly in the bedroom window and leave the baby in the crib. Then the couple would all of a sudden hear the cries of their baby and run to the door or bedroom and gasp with joy. Reality check! As I grew up and found out the reality of where babies came from....I wish the Stork was real! So 3 kids later I am pretty sure I got the system down. I laughed when I found out I was pregnant with our last one because my husband was like.."The minute we get a kid out of our bed (my son was sleeping in our bed every night and finally we got him in his own bed) you get pregnant!"  I always felt that having kids with horrible sleep habits was the best birth control ever!! So now as our youngest wakes up every night and hops in bed between us, my husband really does not complain much!

 I am at my daughter's school the other day volunteering and there was another woman there who was clearly very pregnant. During our conversation it came up that she had twins at home and as my brain is processing the fact that she has a child at the school in Kindergarten, twins that are 18 months and ready to deliver another one she throws in the fact that there still is also a 3 year old in the mix. I am totally in shock and of course need to ask a million nosy questions. I am all for kids and family life because I am also the mother of 3 kids, but I have some age gaps between them and the 3rd was our OMG surprise child, and we then were like we got it and are well aware of where babies come from and I don't care if the birth control or surgeries out there say 99.9% effective :) So I get back to my conversation and have it all lined up that this woman has a 5 year old, 3 year old, 18 month old twins...TWINS and one coming any day. I know this is very exciting to some people and she seemed really happy, but it took all my strength not to ask the really important question!! I wanted to ask, so are all these babies the result of having sex with your husband or does the Stork really exist!! Good lord...I wanted to tell this woman not to ever talk to my husband because I finally have him convinced that no couples out there with multiple kids are having sex regularly:) I do not need my cover blown for cripes sake. As I ended my volunteer session and wished the woman luck I felt like I should be handing her an award or something.

As I drove home I could not help thinking again how a couple with that many young kids find time to have more if you know what I mean. I have kids and I know how crazy my household is and I am finally out of the baby and toddler stage all together and I still want to collapse in bed every night and sleep...just sleep! I still cannot even pee or shower without a kid or dog opening the door, let alone staging time for a romantic interlude. So I picture this woman with a 4 year old and 2 year old at the time and like 10 month old twins doing baths and tending to melt downs and cleaning up from dinner and getting them all asleep at a decent hour and then walking into her room tired and still covered in food wiped on her from her kids dinner and saying "Man I really feel in the Mood!"  I laughed to myself as I thought of how I would tell my husband that it really takes almost a year for a woman to fully recover from having a baby and I would find articles to support this logic. That's my story and I am sticking to it!

If you see any Storks flying around let me know!

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