Mom! Mommy! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom!

Again we go back to the memory of the first time we heard our children say the glorious, sweetest sound a Mom could hear!!..."Ma Ma..Mom" and at the time we squeal with delight and ask anyone who cares to listen.."Did you hear that!! They said "Mom!!" And you run to gather any equipment that will record this precious moment..cameras..video cameras..computers..laptops...and then you call everyone in the family and friends to announce this monumentous moment! Then we lose all sense of reality and encourage the repeating of this word over and over and over. So we have nobody to blame but ourselves to be in this current position! Fast forward to present time.

"Mom! Ma! Ma! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom I am hungry! Mom I am thirsty! Mom where are my sneakers? Mom the dog is sitting on my toy! Mom can I go outside? Mom I need to be wiped! Mom play with us! Mom I am still hungry! Mom can I have a yogurt? Mom the swings are wet! Mom it is cold outside! Mom I need my hat! Mom I need my gloves! Mom where are my boots? Mom the dog pooped! Mom she hit me! Mom he hit me back! Mom I fell off the swings! Mom she won't play what I want! Mom he won't play what I want! Mom did you hear me? Mom where is my juice box? Mom can I have another yogurt? Mom how many days until Christmas? Mom what time is it? Mom can we go back outside? Mom can you come out with us!!" This all took place before I even was able to finish my morning coffee. If I hear Mom one more time today I think I am going to scream! And it is not even 9:00am! Again in what world did I ever think the sweet voices of my children would become like tiny needles stabbing my ears until they bleed! So I told my children in true Mature Mom fashion thay they were not allowed to say "Mom, Ma, Mommy or Mother" again the rest of the day! They look at me very confused and ask "What do we call you then?" And I respond, again losing MOTY points by the minute, "I don't care if you call me Frank, I just don't want to hear the other word, got it!" My daughter looks at me half confused and half scared like I have lost my mind.  I feel a twinge of Mom guilt creeping in, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't actually think this will work but if it buys me ten minutes of peace I will take it! So the kids go off to play still confused and I hear my daughter ask my 7 year old son "Is Mom really mad at us? Her voice scared me!" And my son answers in true veteran kid fashion "No, she is having a crabby Mom moment, just leave her alone she will get over it!" So funny! And so true! So I walk away laughing, getting ready to make another cup of coffee and enjoy my crabby Mom moment alone for a bit.

 Not for long, my daughter runs to find me and the words start to fall out of her mouth in slow motion "M....O...." She barely finishes and covers her mouth with her hand and with wide eyes as she had almost said the forbidden word of the day! And she stops for a second to think and says "Marshmallow can we make brownies today?" I almost choke on my coffee laughing, but man she is a smart little one. I gotta give the girl credit and I say "Of course" I think I am on to something! "Marshmallow is so less annoying and funny!" Not sure how long I will keep this up, but it is a nice break..maybe I will keep it up at least until lunch!!

So you can call me Frank or Marshmallow but don't you dare call me "Ma! Mom! Mommy! or Mother!" until my Mom crabbiness goes away...

Where is the Mother??

I love the moments when your child does something that has people looking around wondering where the mother is? And believe me they are not looking for the Mother of the Year, just the negligent mother who has not kept an eye on her child. And usually that mother is me!

So yesterday was no different as my sister and I decide to take the kids on a road trip and visit the Berkshire Museum for the Festival of Trees! So exciting! These things always seem like a great idea when you plan them but then when you actually are doing them reality sets in. So we enter the Museum and the kids are so excited and full of energy after the long ride to be set free in a place where most things are breakable. Great! Did I mention my 4 year old daughter was with me? Good times about to be had by all, but I gather the Christmas spirit and set off on this adventure. I give the speech that we are going to have a blast but we need to stay together and no running and no touching..just looking! Yeah right. As we navigate our way through and look at all the beautiful Christmas trees and the kids are so excited I lose myself in the Christmas spirit and make the number one Mom mistake! I forget for a moment that I am a Mom and have children with me that I should be watching. I have wandered a little farther then my daughter and was caught up in the pretty trees and the Norman Rockwell moment when I realize my daughter is not with me. Oh No!

As reality sets in and I am just turning around to look for her I notice a little crowd forming and a bit of a commotion. My heart stops as my eye catches a glimpse of a little girl with crazy curly hair leaning head first in the Museum wishing fountain and taking fistfuls of change out and putting them in her pockets. I am horrified and frozen. There are two older women shaking their heads in disgust, and there is a young couple laughing finding the whole thing very funny (note:they do not have kids), and then there is a young family with kids asking why she is doing that and the Mom explains really loud to her children that she should not be doing that! As I watch, I almost for a split second want to join the crowd that has gathered and not claim the child as mine but agree that this is horrible behavior and where is the Mother? But as I try to pretend the wild child stealing money and peoples wishes is not mine she catches a glimpse of me and yells "Mom look at all the money I found!" and in an instant everyone turns to look at me and I have the all too familiar pit in my stomach as I feel my face turn bright red and I have the frozen smile and teeth clenched as I approach her. To make matters worse a Museum security guard has made his way over and is watching to make sure all coins are returned to the fountain. As I explain to my daughter what she is doing is wrong and we need to put all the coins back in the fountain I notice the crowd still watching. It takes all my strength not to launch into a speech to defend myself and I think it would go something like this "Just keep staring people, you think it is easy, you think I wanted this to happen, should I mention I have not slept in like three nights from a kid coughing all  night, what are you perfect parents with your kids all dressed for a GAP ad and walking all nice holding your hands and listening to you..and blah..blah...blah.." But no I just keep smiling and do my nervous laugh as I help my daughter return all the coins back to the fountain with her still not understanding why and the security guard watching to make sure every coin is removed from her pockets! The crowd moves on and we continue our Christmas cheer. (Hope Santa wasn't watching because we thought he was PIS*** before!)

So needless to say we were followed the rest of the day by security to remind me that I am a mother and need to keep an eye on my children!!

Santa Claus is Coming to town and he is Pis*** off!

I love this time of year with all the festive music and lights and sugar plumbs dancing.....wait a minute...back it up...let's get real!! We Mom's love this time of year for the mother of all cards we get to play in this lovely game of motherhood. The SANTA CARD!!! Like I have said before I would start using it at the 4th of July if I could. And I feel the santa card is coming out earlier and earlier..the minute Halloween candy is out of the house it seems pretty reasonable and like I care if it is or not. This is a game of survival folks and whatever can give us any help or an edge over our kids..we will take it! So yes the Santa card was pulled out for the first time of the season last night and it was wonderful to utter those words and stop my kids dead in their tracks. As they are fighting with each other and not listening to me for the 10th time to get upstairs and get ready for bed it happened.."You guys do realize that Santa is watching and he is always watching and he is not going to be happy that you are fighting and not listening to your mother!" They stop and with wide eyes look around as if to see hidden cameras and then start to make every excuse in the book as to why they had not been listening and blaming each other as they run upstairs to get their pajamas on in record fast time. As they are in the bathroom brushing their teeth I listen to their conversation outside the door. My 7year old son tells his little sister "This is no joke we have to stop fighting or Santa will not bring presents!" And my 4 year old daughter's response is "Yeah Santa is going to be Pis*** at us!" At this point I am aware there is still work to be done on her truck driver language but I cannot stop laughing that I have turned poor Santa into a mean, scary figure holding a candy cane waiting for them to mess up. From November 1st to December 25th I must use the Santa card at least 5 times a day to help get kids to eat, get dressed timely, not miss the bus, do homework, not fight with each other, take baths, and go to sleep with no fights. It is a wonderful and powerful card that goes something like this.."Santa is watching, he is not going to be happy, he is looking for good boys and girls,,on and on.." I realize I am probably raising paranoid kids being told they are being watched 24-7 by a jolly fat guy in a red suit and they are future candidates for prozac but right now if it helps me..I will take it!! And the saddest day ever is when that annoying kid in school ruins it for all Mom's and drops the bomb that Santa is not real!!! NO!!!! And we try to repair that statement as long as we can...I am still trying to use the Santa card on my 16 year old.

So as I still have time to use the Santa card I am proposing some other cards that can help us throughout the year..why not? Like a great pumpkin King for the fall and a magical Tom the Turkey to get through Thanksgiving and cupid through Valentines Day and then move onto some scary leprechauns to carry us to St. Patricks Day. Again whatever helps us navigate our days! So enjoy this Holiday Season and the magic of the Santa Card!

But watch out Santa is coming to town and according to my daughter he is PIS***!!

It's all fun and games until the Pea Soup Moment!!

 I say that motherhood should come with a warning label and it should be part of your discharge paperwork at the Hospital that states "Enter at your Own Risk! And Mommy Meltdowns are a given! So strap yourself in and enjoy the ride!!" As I have said before, once you get pass the HallMark Ad part of life with kids, enter reality and you know what they say about reality?? "It is a B**CH!" And I feel like Mom's are afraid to admit that life is not a Norman Rockwell painting everyday and we need to go to the secret society and walk down a dark alley to a hidden door and enter and then you can admit in a whisper to whoever will listen and it always starts with a disclaimer.."You know I love my kids....but right now...I cannot stand them and I am not going to survive..they are driving me crazy!!" The guilt that we feel admitting we cannot stand our kids at certain moments and how could a Mom say that? Ummm...With Ease!!!!

So My kids track my meltdowns and never let me forget them and every so often they list them in order of top 10. I feel like my house is a manfacturing floor where they have that sign stating how many days since last accident but my sign is how many days have passed since my last meltdown! So I am sure yesterday will make the top 10!

It goes something like this.. I am trying to get everyone out the house and as I am running around collecting coats and shoes and ask them to start getting dressed as I let the dog out and switch the laundry to the dryer and I start the dishwasher shut of some lights and pick up a few toys along the way I come back to the kids who still have not moved a muscle and I ask again for them to get started we need to go soon. I run out to start the car because it has been cold and I come back in and pack some snacks for the ride and continue again on my whirlwind through the house and make sure I have everything and at this point I notice my kids still have not done one thing I asked to get ready and it happens!! I freeze for a second and whatever inside me snaps it rushes up through my body and everytime the scene from the exorcist comes to my mind where the girls head spins around and she is possessed and then she spits out pea soup and I lose all sense of reality and the Mommy Meltdown begins and then all of a sudden whenever my kids see the pea soup exorcist look they know it is serious and begin to run and get dressed as fast as they can!! But too late! We are at a point of no return people! I throw down whatever I had in my hands and I start "Do you think I am kidding? Why do you never listen to me? I am sick and tired of doing everything for everyone in this house and nobody listens to me! I run myself ragged! All I ask is that you get dressed and ready for me. I don't ask much from you guys..It is not fair! I do not know why I try so hard! Nobody cares! Nobody understands everything I do and how hard I work........" And on and on and on...I won't bore you with all of the details. And as I come back to reality and my breathing gets back to normal and the exorcist look is gone and I am no longer spitting up pea soup my kids are standing there dressed and ready to go. My 4 year old daughter ask me " Are you done?" And I take a second and then respond "Yes I am" And she says "Okay Let's go" 

I am not proud of my Mommy Meltdowns but let's be real...life with kids will lead all Mom's to land on the top 10 List at some point!!

Don't Mess with Momma Bear!

It would not be a day in my life without some kind of mommy drama, but it keeps things interesting for sure! So the weather continues to be unseasonably warm and my kids keep asking to go to the park quick at the end of the day. I know what you are thinking? Why would I put myself though that because we all know I do not have the best of luck at the park, but it is like returning to the scene of the crime. And I do not want to listen to my daughter wine and complain the whole night that we did not go to the park. So we go and I make it clear that it will not be long at all. it gets dark early now. As we enter it is total mayhem because everyone has the same idea. I take a deep breath and tell myself it will all be okay, I can do this! I had no idea what I was in for! And I thought OPK was bad, not even close.

So as I am helping my daughter on the monkey bars my 7 year old son walks around, climbs on some things and goes down the slide a few times. All is good in park land, or so I thought. I happen to notice a little boy maybe 2 or so talking to my son. It looks like he is asking my son to help him get on the spin around thing and being the sweetie my son is and always helping his little sister I see him say yes. I look to see if this boy's Mom is anywhere around, but I do not see anyone close by. I have my hands full with my daughter but I keep watching and as I watch my son gently help this little boy I am so proud of my him. My son starts to slowly spin the little boy and the little boy is laughing and then it happens! The little boy loses his grip and falls off, and my son goes to help him when finally out of nowhere his mother appears. She scoops up her son who is crying and then begins to point her finger at my son and starts to scold and yell at him. I could not believe this was happening and I was actually seeing this. I tell my daughter I have to get her down off the monkey bars and now my son is heading towards me and the look on his face made something inside of me snap. By this point he was shaking and started to sob and he wanted to leave immediately. I asked him what she said to him but he could not answer me because he was crying so hard and was scared. All he said was "Mom I was just trying to help him."

 At this point I am grinding my teeth so hard and trying to keep it together for my kids but my eyes must have been glowing red and fangs must have been starting to show by now because the primal mom has been unleashed and it is not pretty. There is something inside a Mom that when her child is threatened in any way it turns to the code of the wild and nobody messes with Momma Bear's cubs and it will be a fight to the death and I will claw her eyes out (I realize this seems extreme over a park incident but I snapped watching my sweet little boy crying) Also if this had happened to my daughter she would have probably told the lady to go "Bleep" herself. I am not proud of that, but she can handle herself. My son is very sweet and follows the rules and never would have talked back to an adult. I calm my son down and bring him to the car and tell him I will be right back. I shut the car door and look over towards the woman and I swear I did a head snap and was like "Oh no she didn't!" With a double finger snap! We might be in the suburbs but I was ready to get "Ghetto" on her "A**" I head towards the woman and try to remind myself I do not want to end up on the 11 o'clock news. I approach her and say "I hope your proud of yourself making a sweet little boy cry! He was trying to help your son because you were nowhere in sight and to busy drinking your ice coffee chatting with your friends. And how dare you yell at him and point your finger in his face!" And she says, "He is older and should know better, my son could have been really hurt." And I say "Then you should have been watching your son!" By this time I think there were parents gathering around and trying to see what was happening and I give one last mature glaring look and walk back to my car. I get in and tell my kids all is good and change the mood with some light chatter, but all I can think is I pray to God nobody got that on a camera phone and puts it on youtube and I become an overnight sensation "Mom's gone wild at the Park!" and please God let it snow soon so I do not have to return to the park until Spring!

I am not saying that I never yell at my kids and I am not proud of my mommy meltdowns, but nobody else will dare yell at my kids..that is my job! And the saying "It's a jungle out there!" So true!!

When did Hot? Become a Hot Mess!

Tonight was one of those nights where I needed to run to the grocery store and had no energy, but I had no choice there was nothing for the kids school lunches tomorrow, so off I go. As I stand in line at the deli counter and wait my turn an elderly gentlemen walked by and gave me a strange look, not sure what that was about but at this point, like I care. Then it is my turn and the guy behind the counter was like "Can I help you?", and I give my order and he says "You sure that is all you need?" I start to think to myself "What does he mean by that, yes I am sure that is all I need." but I smile and nod yes. As he begins to put my order together I think back to the elderly gentlemen and this deli guy and their strange behavior towards me and as I ponder I look down and start to laugh at myself. No wonder!! I am a hot mess! I have on my husbands sweats that are covered in my dog's hair, my hair is pulled back in a not so glamorous pony tail with my daughter's Hello Kitty hair band, my teenagers football sweatshirt that does not match the sweats and my shoes that look like slippers. No wonder I am getting stares..I look like a crack addict let out on a 24 hour pass from rehab. As I take my deli order and walk away, I wonder what is worse, my appearance or that I really don't care. This is sad I know.

I remember growing up and being absolutely horrified by my mother and would want to die when she came outside the house with curlers in her hair. I would pray none of the neighborhood kids would see her and think she was nuts! And now my poor kids are probably thinking the same thing about me. It is amazing how times have changed and it is a good day if I manage to put on chapstick and style my hair. If I get a shower in everyday that does not mean I get a chance to shave my legs, it might mean I get one leg done and the other has to wait until the next shower. If I get a chance to iron an outfit for work that probably means no time to blow dry my hair that day. And if things get totally crazy and I mean fly by the seat of your pants crazy there could be an accessory thrown in!

So if you see me out and I look like a hot mess! I am well aware and yes I have turned into my mother and now I am the crazy Mom! No wonder my son wants me to pull over and park instead of dropping him off in front of the high school.

The Cough heard around the World!

As if being a Mom is not hard enough..enter cold and flu season. That first cough and exclamation by one of your children.."I don't feel good!" It strikes the fear of God into any Mom. And I will never understand why I always respond with, "What do you mean you don't feel good?" as if I am trying to make sure I might have heard them wrong. A girl can dream you know! And my kids always look back at me like I am crazy and respond again with "I don't feel so good, my head hurts, my throat hurts.." blah..blah..blah..Okay I get it. Why I am never prepared for it is beyond me, but here we go again.

So as a Mom when you get in bed at night and need a good night sleep more then anything what of course happens? The dreaded cough that I will never get used to even after three kids and multiple sick nights. The reason you never get used it is because for some reason kids have this amazing ability to go to bed as healthy as a marathon runner in trainging and wake a few hours later as if they contracted malaria in their sleep. If we could have some warning and be prepared and ready for battle that would be great! But no it goes something like this..I am deep in sleep, cozy in my warm bed, then it strikes. The cough!! I sit up in my bed with my heart racing and eyes trying to adjust to the dark. I try to focus and listen again and there it is the cough!! Yes it is a code red and I jump out of bed as fast as I can but get caught in the sheets and blankets everytime and kind of fall out of bed. Or even better I stub my toe on the bed frame corner as I am still trying to get my legs beneath me. I go hobbling down the hall following the cough to what room it is coming from. And as I arrive at the doorway of my daughter's room the cough is just at that point every Mom dreads and it turns into slow motion and my voice is like "Nooooooooooo.....wait..........." and just as I grab her it happens...she coughs and pukes all over everything...and I mean everything..the rug, the bedding, herself, me, the teddy bears in her bed and pillows and on and on. Yes kids are so talented and manage to hit everything! And everytime I ask out loud , not sure who I am talking to at that point but "Why?? Why can't they ever get up and run to the bathroom? Or at least just make it to the hallway with wood floors? Why" And then as always my daughter will say "Sorry Mommy" and I say "It's okay, you couldn't help it sweetie" But even as I say it I am not sure I believe it.

So as my hopes of any kind of sleep drift in the distance the clean up begins, I run a warm bath and put my daughter in to soak as I go in and strip the bed completely, grab the teddy bears, change my clothes and bring everything to the basement to be washed. I attempt to start removing the smell of puke. And that is a smell that will take some super industrial strength cleaner to get rid of..takes days. So I bring my daughter downstairs in preparation of an all nighter on the couch (how the meaning of all nighters has changed!). It is one of those nights where they lay on you as you are sitting up and everytime they fall asleep they wake back up within minutes coughing and I am holding a puke bucket now all ready. The glamorous life continues. And as I sit and watch TV waiting for the next round a commerical comes on for soothing/ calming baby wash. And I say to myself "Bulls***" The commercial portrays a couple up together walking a fussy baby around and then wait, they forgot to try the calming baby wash, and with the mixture of lavendar and honey once you wash the baby he amazingly goes into a deep peaceful sleep for the night. I start to yell at the TV in my overtired middle of the night delerium. That is the type of crap that makes people all excited to be parents and think life with kids is a walking talking Candy Land game and everyday is like landing on gum drop lane. Makes me want to puke. If that baby wash really worked just like that I would buy it by the case and bath everyone in my house including my freaking dog so he didn't wake me either having to go out in the middle of the night!

Okay, what we do wrong is set parents up along the way to think that rainbows and unicorns is where it is at with these marketing strategies, and with cute baby clothes and shoes, and with cute baby showers and baby books and kits to make baby handprints and footprints. I am going to start a Mommy boot camp. Let's get real. You need to be able to wake up without warning and instantly, you need to be able to get no sleep but still go to work, be able to sleep in the tiniest square footage with random little feet and elbows jammed in your face or ribs, learn to sleep upright in a chair, and take care of multiple sick children while you are sick as a dog yourself. So as I plan my boot camp the sun starts to peak up and a new day is here and that is when my daughter decides to go to sleep..perfect! Always happens this way..

So as I know that will not be the last time I am woken by a cough in the middle of the night..I dare to dream that from my mommy fear factor and survivor training I will make it one of these times ...to the bathroom!

OPK Factor..Other Peoples Kids!

I realize that most people think that when you become a Mom you instantly develop this love for all children and life becomes an instant Johnson and Johnson ad...not so much. It takes all my energy to deal with the three I have why do I want to deal with other peoples kids that I don't even know. Give me a break! And just like when someone cannot stand cats the cats will always be all over them, I am a kid magnet and they love me. I will never undertsand why! I do not feel I present myself all warm and inviting, I actually try to go with the crabby overtired look most times.

So I bring the kids to the park last night against my better judgement, I had a lapse in sanity, but it has been unusually warm the last few days. So I go in attempts to sit and relax for a few and for my kids to run around and exhaust themselves. Perfect plan until the dreaded..OPK arrival in front of my face. I try to avoid eye contact and hope he will move on and that he really wasn't looking at me, but I could not be so lucky! And so it began.."Hi my name is Bobby (I always change the names to protect the innocent) and I am 6 years old and I just lost a tooth and I can climb that jungle gym all by myself and I have a little sister and blah blah blah.." Oh my God is this really happening to me, I look around as if to see someone secretly filming me and I am on hidden camera or better yet I always wonder if I am on the Dateline show "What would you do?" So I try to keep it together and as I stand up and say "That is great Bobby! I have to go check on my kids, see ya later." and I try a quick escape, but to no avail, he is latched on and following me. He continues without any interruption "And I am allergic to milk, so I have soy and I like apples do you like apples?"  I want to say to the kid " Don't your parents tell you not to talk to strangers?" I continue to walk toward my kids on the swings and pray he will lose interest. I start to canvas the park and try to see where his parents are or who he belongs to. It continues..make it stop.."I take Karate and I am the best in my class in math and I can ride my bike without training wheels.." I have to get away so I tell my kids let's take a walk around the pond and I tell little Bobby that it was so nice to meet him but we are going to take a walk now. Of course it could not be that easy! He says "I will come, let me go tell my Mom!" I want to scream but I wait to be polite, no Mom is gonna let her kid take a walk with a stranger. I watch him make his way to a woman on a cell phone and he tells her something and points in my direction and she nods and waves. What is happening? He runs back and says "My Mom said okay!"  And it takes all my strength to not say "Your Mom is on crack!" So we all start walking and I am horrified that this woman I have never met just sent her kid with me, does she not watch the news!! I need to make this walk quick and get the heck out of the park! And the whole walk it continues "My Mom says that I can take swimming lessons this year and I love apples did I tell you that? and I like riding the school bus and my grandmother picks me up on Tuesdays from school and my favorite class is gym and recess is alot of fun..." All I can think of is getting home and getting a glass of wine! So the walk ends and I finally say to Bobby.."We are leaving have a good night! Go see your Mommy." And I watch him head towards another Mom sitting on a bench reading a book and I want to yell and warn her..too late he is there and she is trapped with a plastered smile on her face. I laugh to myself..good luck to her!!

So when did the bathroom become the new spa?

It is one of those days that has turned into one of those nights where bedtime cannot come soon enough and your Mom patience level is at the limit and the breaking point is coming! And coming fast! I need a break..I want a break...I want to have a mommy tantrum...but wait...there is an answer...the bathroom!! oh yes...my little retreat. I grab a glass of wine and a magazine and run into the bathroom..lock the door behind me and finally I am alone! I start to relax and take a couple of deep breaths..sit on the floor with my wine and then I hear it in the distance.."Where's Mom?"..oh no they have noticed I am gone. It is so annoying that kids have this sense when Mom has disappeared. They will never realize they are the reason Mom's disappear but yes they notice. Now the house is on high alert and everyone including the dog must find Mom! So annoying! The voices become louder and closer as they check every room.."Mom! Mom! Mom where are you?' I do not answer..I am in my hideout and I am very mature I know, but I will not give in until I absolutely have to. Finally I hear them approach and I see the doorknob turn and then when the door does not open I hear it "Mom are you in there? The door is locked" ..I really want to say.."No shit Sherlock because I locked it to keep you gremlins out!" but I am trying to meet Mother of the Year status so I take the mature road..wait for it..I respond "I am pooping! Give me a minute..it is bad I wouldn't come in here if I were you." I hear them as they retreat saying "Let's get out of here..so gross!" and I am alone! Yes I have won! I continue to sip my wine and read my magazine..I am in the Mom spa!

Okay so as I sit in my spa I do realize that life has taken a very funny turn, as I have said before the life of a Mom is very glamorous. I remember the days before kids where the talk of poop would never happen and to actually freely admit that you had to poop was never going to happen. It was all a mystery and our signifcant others probably thought we were freaks of nature and just happened to be the only girls that did not poop. Yeah right. I think my husband is now wishing and longing for those days instead of the current days were poop talk is frequent and common conversation. I learned  pretty quick as a Mom the only topic that keeps your family at a safe distance is the talk of gross bathroom habits and the talk of #2!! The more time you need the grosser it has to be! It does not matter if you are exhausted and going on no sleep they will be all over you, it does not matter if you have the worse head cold and want to die..again they will be right next to you asking for a juice box..so when desperate times call for desperate measures you need to go to the talk of stomach cramps and I am going to be in the bathroom awhile. I am sure my family thinks I need to see a specialist at this point but I do not care. I have even brought a pillow in and laid on the floor for a quick nap. These moments of peace do not come without a price of course, you need to develop a thick skin from the embarassment of your family sharing your bathroom habits with anyone who will listen, but so worth it!

So ladies..grab a glass of wine, a pillow, a good book or magazine and head to the one place nobody wants to follow you...the Mom Spa!!