Friday, December 30, 2011

If you did not drink wine!!

So my family by now knows my trademark saying is "I could have been mother of the year if...only if I .." but I was still shocked when the other day I was stating the usual and as soon as I finished my favorite line I was met with a a little voice behind me.."If you didn't drink wine!" I spun around to find my 7 year old son standing there looking at me with a smile! I wanted to be like who brought the funny guy.. Look who is a comedian today! The look on my face must have had him rethink his comment because he started to laugh a little nervous waiting for my response. I wanted to enlighten my young son that on the contrary me drinking my wine makes me a better Mom!:) But I file it in my mental notes looking forward to the day he is an adult with kids and calls to tell me they are driving him crazy and how did I ever do it with the three of them!!(that is where the wine, chocolate, secret escapes to the mommy spa come in.. Survival skills!)I tell my son Mom's and Dad's are allowed to have wine if they want or other adult beverages as as long as it is in a responsible manner and that is part of the rights as an adult. He laughs again and walks away.. He is probably thinking to himself "okay Mom if that helps you sleep at night!" Good lord these kids are getting way to smart now a days. I go back to the encouragement of talking and learning and getting so smart:)What were we thinking? My kids know me so well and I love how they draw pictures of me for Mother's day or other family pictures holding a glass of wine or a margarita on the beach for our family vacations. And gift ideas for me is a new wine glass or margarita glass, a nice martini glass ornament or my favorite which is the sign that says "I cook with wine and sometimes put it in my food!" I knew early on in my motherhood years that I would not break into the inner circles of the stepford moms (nor would I want to)when I would suggest we have mimosas with our mommy and me groups and I would get the looks that the authorities should be called and my poor children! I would laugh and say I was kidding because I was nervous they would really think I was crazy and report me, but 16 years and 3 kids later.. You learn not to care and you learn to be real! Honestly how long can you talk about baby poop, and diapers, which car seats are the best and the best baby snacks.. I became a Mom but I am still human! So I look back at how my wine drinking has kept me off the Mother of the year list..Good times! I think I knew I would be kept of that list after my first run in with my oldest son's t-ball team.. If anyone has gone through t-ball it is torture and this league had games every Friday night in June and some parents thought it would be fun to make it a 2 fold venue (I am sure I encouraged the idea) so it was decided to bring food and some adult beverages and sit on these nice summer Friday nights and watch our kids with little cookouts. Why not? We were not bringing in kegs and starting a rave! Okay I will admit in hindsight sometimes I do not use the best judgement , but seemed fun. Well when I received the mass email that went out to all the parents about how the league had found parents were doing this and it needed to stop immediately and if it were to happen again police would be called. I remember thinking one of the stepford parents tattled on us and I felt like I was back in high school caught at a party and the fun was over! And I probably ruined my son's chances of making the major leagues:) So I continue to drink my wine and stay out of the running for Mother of the Year! And I might not be asked to be on the PTO or help with the school fundraiser but if you need a Margarita Mom's club started or you want to join the dark side...I'm your Mom!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Ho Ho Ho... Holy Sh**!!

So I am in a full blown Christmas Hangover today and I don't mean the good kind from Mommy 's little helpers  (Pinot Noir and Merlot). I am talking the total crash and burn from all the hype and magic overload that led up to the Big day! I don't know why I am never prepared for the Day after! I know it sounds like I am talking about a Nuclear attack, but pretty close. So out goes the magic and what is left but over tired kids coming off sugar highs from cookies, fudge, candy, soda, you name it! And a house that could make an episode of the show "Hoarders"! I want to say "Da** you Santa!"  Where did all the magic go? Well I can tell you it is not at my house.
So I wake up today thinking I will start the clean up and the kids will be so busy playing with all of their new toys and all will be good. Yeah that lasted all of 5 minutes! Each time I attempted to break down boxes, load the dishwasher or find a spot to sit down that was not covered in Christmas Chaos I was met with one of my children "Can you open this? How does this work? I need batteries? Will you play this with me?" So I as I try to assist them I am heading farther into hangover mode. It is absolutely ridiculous trying to open kids toys today, you need a tool box handy to make your way through the industrial strength plastic they are now packaged in and then once your in you are then faced with twist ties and screws bolted into the toys. I have paper cuts all over my fingers from the packaging and then to make matters worse you need a degree from Harvard to figure out how they work. Then patience is at an all time low and apparently the Santa card flew away with Santa Christmas Eve so nobody is watching and my kids are like "Bring it on Lady! What do you got? " Well I "got" nothing and I am so tired and I want to throw up the white flag. I decide to make another cup of coffee and try a restart.
One sip into my fresh cup of coffee and all hell breaks lose, my 7 year old comes running in the house in full blown panic that his remote control helicopter went missing. I am trying to process what he is talking about as I follow him out side. He explains that he was trying out his indoor remote control outside (Of course) and he has no idea where it went. Perfect!! I am so irritated by now and I go in the house to put my boots and coat on and head out to start the search party. How far could this thing go? My son is following me and saying how sorry he is and I am losing my MOTY composure and I yell "That was really expensive you know!" And he looks at me confused and said "What do you mean? I thought Santa brought it." I stop for a second and feel bad that he is so upset but I want to explain to him "Well yeah Santa brought it but do you think the elves work for free? And now that they have become unionized last year and don't get me started on all of the workplace injuries in the workshops sending the insurance rates through the roof and the big strike in the Spring of 2011 that forced Santa to bring in agency help at double the cost until they worked everything out, and the rise in health insurance costs...good lord!! " But no I just brush by his comment so I don't have to explain as I frantically search the yard and in the process step in the pie I put outside for the squirrels (don't ask) And my neighbor must have seen me in all my MOTY glory and came out to see what was wrong and decided to help me. (God Bless him) So of course he found it in his yard and all was right in my 7 year olds world and I continued on with my loss of magic hangover!
I just want to tell Santa he is Pain in my A**!!  And I am missing the magic!!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

What the Elf!! Now I am talking to an Elf!

It is Christmas Eve! Never thought I would survive this Holiday Season and make it to this point. It will be so nice not to hear are you done with all of your shopping and is everything wrapped? We were so far behind and nothing was wrapped so enter the best mother-in-law in the world and best Nana who took my kids last night for a sleepover so we could finish everything and make the magic happen!
Ready Set Go! I pour a glass of wine and start to tackle the wrapping that needs to all be done tonight.. Ugh..I look over at Sam the Elf who is sitting there looking at me from the couch with his same stupid shit eating grin and I want to yell "oh so your gonna just sit there and not help? Big tough guy with all the magic.. Bet you could just
Whip up all this wrapping in one magical blink.." but nothing happened as I figured. He might have the kids fooled but I am not falling for his creepy ways. I better just get to wrapping and knock of this nonsense because if my hubby knows I am talking to the Elf in my head my wine will be taken away for sure and then I really will be in trouble and my magic powers will be lost! I should also mention that I am the worst and my wrapping looks like it was done by the elf who got into Santa's secret stash of egg nog and my husband's wrapping looks like it was done by the top Elf who teaches the art oh wrapping at the North Pole.. Whatever! So as we continue the madness and there is paper and bows and labels and tape all over I get faster and messier by the present but I can see the finish line and my hubby continues to look at my horrible showing.. Son of a Martha Stewart! And What The Elf! I don't care! Who cares if my kids presents are wrapped by the drunk elves! We are almost done and my hubby gets called out with the fire department and I am left alone with Sam the Elf! I am determined to finish before he gets home and just be able to go to bed!! As I continue I feel his creepy stare and so I look over at him sitting there staring in all his creepy glory and I cannot help myself so I begin to talk to him out loud now because I am alone (my poor blind dog thought I was talking to him) So I begin "What is so special about you? The kids go nuts over you and you are not even that cute! You have been all over my house for the last month and what have you done? You could at least run the vacuum once in awhile or throw in a load of laundry or grab some groceries. You could help pick up some presents or bake some cookies. My kids want to do nothing to upset you but I get that I am a mean Mom and I don't play with them enough and I yell at them and I am the overtired stress case making the magic happen and you take all the credit!" By now I am standing with my hand on my hips standing in front of Sam while I go on and on..then I say.."What do you have to say for yourself?" And then I panic because I am alone and I have been drinking my wine and think for a split second .."What if he really answers me?" I would pee my pants.. So I hurry up and grab the last of the gifts and leave the living room. Thank God that creepy thing leaves tonight!
I hope my kids have an amazing Christmas.. But it has been so stressful so I say "What the Elf? And Santa is getting scotch on the rocks and chocolate.. Milk and cookies is so over rated! I am not sure how I am going to survive the New Year without my Christmas cursing and I am sure I will be out of the running for Mother of the Year 12 hours into the New Year!
I think it is more fun to be off the list for MOTY!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Son of a Martha Stewart!!

As if being a Mom is not stressful enough, add in the Holidays and let's just say Son of a Nutracker!! We always manage to get it all done so our kids have the magic of the season and think life is all rainbows and unicorns, even if we lose a bit of sanity during the process. So as if the Season could not get any more insane, enter the school announcements that have come home in my kids backpacks. Let me just say the Holiday cursing was in full swing! I have great respect for teachers, but what possibly could they be thinking when planning the Holiday Season in their classrooms. Obviously not about the fact that one of my kids is in their class and I am not Martha Stewart and cannot even pretend.

So as I am reading through the lists of instructions, projects, dates to remember and supplies that are needed to make all the magic happen I feel the stress rising in my chest. I am all for my kids having fun and enjoying the Holiday Season in school but why does that have to involve me? Whatever happened to some good group sing a long. So first my son's class sends home sign up lists for each parent to choose reading a book to the class or going in and doing a Holiday activity with the class. Are you kidding me? Of course, let me just throw an activity together no problem, get real. So I pick the book because I find it the lesser of two evils, because there really is no option to do nothing and have your kid be the only one whose parents did not want to participate. I already have enough mom guilt to make me lose sleep and I cannot afford to lose anymore sleep.  I am just grateful I had a choice because if I had to do an activity it would have been bringing in my Christmas cards that still are not done and the kids would have been putting on address labels and stamps. Then my daughter's teacher sent home a gingerbread man for the family to decorate together and send back in to be put on display. The instructions were to use anything around the house such as pipe cleaners, glitter, stickers, pom poms...good lord...of course let me just open up my craft closet, grab my hot glue gun and go crazy. Seriously, I know friends of mine that would find this whole process so fun, but my poor kids are stuck with me and my daughter looked at me in horror when I told her to cut one of his legs off and tell her teacher someone tried eating him. Then my son's class sent home instructions to create a party in a box with special snacks, drink and a special note from someone in the family (I hope my blind diabetic dog has been working on his note writing skills) and then wrap it in gift wrap so they can open it up like a present in class. I pray to God I send him in with the right box and he is not opening a box of wine in front of his classmates. I already get strange looks as it is around school functions, that's all I need to explain. This is just scratching the surface because I have not even mentioned Pajama day, and gingerbread festival day and Holiday book swap day. And my Super Hero cape is at the dry cleaners!! Thank God for Christmas cursing and special Mommy egg nog!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Momma Bear Goes to Disney!!

One would think that being in the Happiest Place on Earth, life would be all magic and pixie dust sprinkled all over and people would be dancing in the streets. Okay not so much. There are mean people even in Disney! And apparently they did not get the memo that Momma Bear was also in the land where dreams come true!So we were setting off on a magical adventure and the kids were beyond excited!

I will admit there were some bumps along the candy cane lane and it was not all smooth sailing and meltdowns happen within all the magic. One of those meltdowns was explaining to my four year old daughter that she could not do every ride her brothers could and she was not happy about that at all. So I took her to get some popcorn and have some girl time and talk about how it was much cooler hanging out with her Mom then going on a ride with the boys. You know girls rule and boys drool, but she was not really buying it. Oh well the big tub of popcorn definitely brought a smile to her face and she was glad to have a break and eat some Disney popcorn, but of course just as we get the popcorn we have a code red I need to pee right at this exact moment. Never a dull moment so I race to a bathroom that I see and we put her stroller tucked nicely out of the way, completely out of the way and place her popcorn in the seat. (I did not want to bring the popcorn in bathroom and it was one of those panic situations that do not leave much time for clear thinking) Good thing we made it to the bathroom just in time, and we were in and out in like 3 minutes flat because my daughter was excited to get back to her popcorn. Her excitement was short lived!

As we walk out of the bathroom we are greeted with popcorn all over the ground and all over my daughters stroller and her tub of popcorn is spilled everywhere and her stroller has been moved from the spot we tucked it away. As my brain is trying to piece together what happened my daughter is crying and melting down that her popcorn is ruined. Then I look where the stroller had been because I was trying to figure out if it had rolled or did I forget to put the brake on? And as I look where I put my stroller there is a woman sitting there with her stroller now in place where mine was. As it all becomes crystal clear what happened and I am honestly shocked by the complete rudeness of this woman, I feel my teeth clenching and I am trying to get a grip on Momma Bear from making an appearance. I am so furious that this woman had the nerve to purposely take my stroller out of where I had it and move it completely somewhere else and in the process spill my daughters popcorn everywhere and not even attempt to pick it up or hide it, but just sat down. And she had the nerve to watch my poor daughter so upset about her popcorn being ruined and crying and not even say a word. I totally understand that things happen and if it was a total accident and someone was waiting for us to explain and apologize, then no big deal or I would have had more respect for the woman if she had realized what she did and ran before we came out. But no she sat there with her kids staring at me waiting to see if I dared to say anything to her. I am trying to calm  my daughter down and assure her we will go get more popcorn and all is good, but I am so irritated by this woman and I really want to pounce on her and claw her eyes out. (I know such Christmas cheer!) It takes everything in me not to end up on Moms gone wild! And I really did not want my husbands Christmas present to be me an overnight youtube sensation. So I gather myself together and decide to take the high road and set an example for my daughter. (Are you laughing yet?) As I pick up all the popcorn to throw away and get my daughter settled in her stroller she asks "Mom who would do something like that to my popcorn?" And as I see her sad face, Momma Bear cannot be contained anymore and I decide to answer my daughter in a clear loud voice for the woman to hear as I stare at her while getting my daughter ready to leave.."Unfortunately there are really mean ,rude people in the world who have no class or manners. I have taught you to always say please and Thank you and be nice to everyone, but some people were never taught that. And you should feel sorry for them because they are obviously on Santa's naughty list and will definitely be getting coal for Christmas!!" I know I am so mature! And as we start to leave my daughter says, "Wow being on the naughty list is not good, do you think they know they are on the naughty list?" And I answer "I think they know now!"

As I always mess with my cubs you will be messing with Momma Bear...Even in Disney!!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

My Life is a Walking Talking Birth Control Ad..

I honestly do not understand why there are still high rates of teenage pregnancy in this country and how this world could be over populated? Come visit the O'Neill house when my children are in rare form and I could possibly fix some world problems..:) I know that my oldest who is 16 has already announced he is never having kids due to his younger brother and sister! Fine with me..well for now he is scared straight for sure!! I know some high schools have those programs where you have to take care of a fake baby for a week or an egg. Give me a break! They need to start a program where teenagers need to spend a week with a family that has at least a 2 year old and multiple children and when it is cold season! And then take those children out to a store for errands especially when tired. That is the best full proof birth control ever! (Wish someone made me do that..)

So against my better judgement I decided to go out to the store last night even when I knew it was a bad idea. My kids had been fighting, were in bad moods and were in rare form, but even seasoned Moms make these fateful mistakes from time to time. As soon as we enter the store for a quick trip my children both turn into 2 year olds when they are now 7 and 4. They both start to chase each other and run around like we are at the park. I am so annoyed and grinding my teeth so hard and get my best scary voice and grab both of them and lean down close so they can see the fire in my eyes and tell them they better knock if off! Not even two seconds later they begin again, good lord I am in trouble!! This is more serious then I first thought because my scary voice and red monster eyes did not work. I need to get focused and grab what I need and get out fast. My 4 year old has grabbed an apple when I was not looking and started eating it and now my 7 year old announces he has to go to the bathroom right now and cannot wait or he will pee his pants. As I grab him and direct him toward the bathroom I look and notice my daughter is sitting on the floor refusing to move and as I stop to get her my son has kept going and left. I panic that I have lost sight of my son as I argue with my daughter to get off the floor right now and walk, (should I mention a small crowd has started to watch and look at my daugher like she is a spawn of the devil). I pick her up and head toward the bathrooms and when I arrive I do not see my son so I open the mens room door (yes I did) and I yell in for him and he tells me "Mom get out of the boys room, people are going to think you are crazy!" I relax a little knowing he is okay and as we wait for him, my daughter put her half eaten apple in the water cooler and I tell her we still have not paid for that! My son now is out of the bathroom and I tell them both we are leaving, I give up. A woman appears out of nowhere standing in front of us telling me she knows that look on my face and she understands and tells my kids to be nice to your Mommy..she says "It is the only Mommy you have!" I am surprised my daughter did not have anything to say back to her..Thank God for small miracles.  We make our way to the check out and as we wait our turn I am still getting stares as my daughter pushes our cart into the lady in front us. Good times had by all. Finally our turn to get out of this nightmare and I put my items on the belt and hand the teenage cashier the half eaten wet apple. She looks horrified and disgusted as I explain I need to pay for that. Then out of nowhere my daughter bolts for the door before I am done and I am yelling for her as I try to finish and pay and I yell to my son to chase her and get her..both now are gone. I apologize but need to run and get them because they are now in a parking lot. I run full speed passed everyone in the store and find my kids outside, grab them and go back to my cashier and bagger who are waiting for me to finish and stop holding up the line. They are both teenagers looking at me horrified and now the teenage boy hands me my gross apple. I am so mortified from my screaming and running display but now I just don't care. I look at both teenagers and point at my kids and then back at them and announce "Let this be a lesson to you play and then you will pay!" They continue to look horrified by everything that has just happened and I grab my cart and kids and get the heck out of the there. As I get in my car reality sets in and I cannot believe I just lectured two teenagers about safe sex in the middle of the grocery store..I pray they don't know my teenager! My 16 year old would love that!

So yes I accept the fact that my life is a live walking talking birth control ad! However I can help my community one meltdown at a time!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

What the Elf!!!

As if the Holiday Season is not stressful enough for everyone, especially Parents trying to make all their kids Christmas dreams and magic come true..Enter the ELF!! Who would think such a small cute little thing could cause so much stress and insanity in a household! Don't let those things fool you. I am not going to lie, I jumped right on the whole Elf on a Shelf train and was all caught up in the magic and cuteness until I forgot about the reality of life and the stress of the Holidays and the stress of keeping up the whole Elf story with kids!! Not so cute anymore. And I really find it hard to believe a Mom created this whole Elf cult thing? Really? Just want to say Thanks, that falls in the category with giving a noisy annoying toy as a gift for a kids birthday. To make matters worse and more stressful someone thought it would be a great idea to make a kids movie about this Elf on a Shelf and I was stupid enough to let my kids watch it so I could get a half hour of peace and quiet. (The idea of a glass of wine in peace ruled over my better judgement) My kids already believed and followed the story and Elf rules but to see it just made it that much REAL! And when they saw that Elf go to the Elf Hospital after he was touched...good lord..that sent the seriousness to a code red level. And so it begins...

I am up making my morning coffee still half asleep when I hear the dreaded words from my kids mouths "Sam did not move! He is in the same spot!" Panic Mode has set in. I wake up really fast and my heart stops for a second as I scream inside my head to myself "I forgot to move the friggin Elf!!!" I had every intention but in between laundry and dishes and school lunches...oh it doesn't matter. I am so irritated that I have to start my morning like this and I have to think quick to make my kids feel better so in true MOTY fashion I say "What did you guys do?" They stop with wide eyes and mouths open looking at each other. The guilt creeps in that I turned it on them but it will build character I tell myself, no it is mean I know, but I am tired and cannot keep up with this whole Elf Bull S***..I continue "Are you sure you guys weren't fighting? Can you think of anything at all?" They start to blame each other and they start talking really fast and then I tell them to calm down and I continue my web of lies.."Sam loves you guys and he couldn't go back to the North Pole and have to tell Santa a bad report so he let that be a lesson to you have a second chance now!!" They seem better and seem to believe my story and move on with their morning routine. I start to sip my coffee and think I am not going to survive this Holiday season with this Elf and maybe I can make sure this Elf has an unfortunate sleigh accident or run in with a reindeer on his way back this year and will not be able to return next Christmas! What a pain! So I decide to launch into my Christmas cursing to make myself feel better and it is a great stress reliever also, so my tantrum goes something like this " What the Elf!..Son of an Elf!..Elf Me!..Son of a Nutracker!! Elf my Life! Jingle Balls!" I know I am so mature but Christmas cursing makes you feel better and still keeps you in the Christams spirit! I do realize that I cannot do this around my children because I would be getting calls from my daughter's  preschool teacher asking why my daughter has all the 4 year olds saying "What the Elf?"

I can already predict on December 1st that life with Sam the Elf will probably mean Santa can expect a glass of scotch on the rocks Christmas Eve instead of milk!