Saturday, December 24, 2011

What the Elf!! Now I am talking to an Elf!

It is Christmas Eve! Never thought I would survive this Holiday Season and make it to this point. It will be so nice not to hear are you done with all of your shopping and is everything wrapped? We were so far behind and nothing was wrapped so enter the best mother-in-law in the world and best Nana who took my kids last night for a sleepover so we could finish everything and make the magic happen!
Ready Set Go! I pour a glass of wine and start to tackle the wrapping that needs to all be done tonight.. Ugh..I look over at Sam the Elf who is sitting there looking at me from the couch with his same stupid shit eating grin and I want to yell "oh so your gonna just sit there and not help? Big tough guy with all the magic.. Bet you could just
Whip up all this wrapping in one magical blink.." but nothing happened as I figured. He might have the kids fooled but I am not falling for his creepy ways. I better just get to wrapping and knock of this nonsense because if my hubby knows I am talking to the Elf in my head my wine will be taken away for sure and then I really will be in trouble and my magic powers will be lost! I should also mention that I am the worst and my wrapping looks like it was done by the elf who got into Santa's secret stash of egg nog and my husband's wrapping looks like it was done by the top Elf who teaches the art oh wrapping at the North Pole.. Whatever! So as we continue the madness and there is paper and bows and labels and tape all over I get faster and messier by the present but I can see the finish line and my hubby continues to look at my horrible showing.. Son of a Martha Stewart! And What The Elf! I don't care! Who cares if my kids presents are wrapped by the drunk elves! We are almost done and my hubby gets called out with the fire department and I am left alone with Sam the Elf! I am determined to finish before he gets home and just be able to go to bed!! As I continue I feel his creepy stare and so I look over at him sitting there staring in all his creepy glory and I cannot help myself so I begin to talk to him out loud now because I am alone (my poor blind dog thought I was talking to him) So I begin "What is so special about you? The kids go nuts over you and you are not even that cute! You have been all over my house for the last month and what have you done? You could at least run the vacuum once in awhile or throw in a load of laundry or grab some groceries. You could help pick up some presents or bake some cookies. My kids want to do nothing to upset you but I get that I am a mean Mom and I don't play with them enough and I yell at them and I am the overtired stress case making the magic happen and you take all the credit!" By now I am standing with my hand on my hips standing in front of Sam while I go on and on..then I say.."What do you have to say for yourself?" And then I panic because I am alone and I have been drinking my wine and think for a split second .."What if he really answers me?" I would pee my pants.. So I hurry up and grab the last of the gifts and leave the living room. Thank God that creepy thing leaves tonight!
I hope my kids have an amazing Christmas.. But it has been so stressful so I say "What the Elf? And Santa is getting scotch on the rocks and chocolate.. Milk and cookies is so over rated! I am not sure how I am going to survive the New Year without my Christmas cursing and I am sure I will be out of the running for Mother of the Year 12 hours into the New Year!
I think it is more fun to be off the list for MOTY!!

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