So I start each day with my Mom disclaimer.."I love my kids, I really do...BUT...." I am starting to think people don't understand the real world of Motherhood or are afraid to get real, or come on over to the Dark Side as I like to call it. It is okay to admit that we might not like our kids very much some days!!
So with that said I stopped at the store the other day looking for baby gifts for all my friends that continue to work on the baby boom and for some reason really like their kids and want to have more :) As I am looking at all the cute products that keep people fooled and still make life with kids out to be a fairy tale, even I am swayed by some of the cuteness. Then I reach the section with Baby books, Scrap books and every Journal there is to track and record every precious moment from the minute you found out you were pregnant. Then reality hits again and I am like these books should be listed under the section of "Let's put more pressure on Mom's and also remind them of why they will not be Mother of the Year!" And I am convinced these books have to be made by Men or Women without kids, honestly they are so annoying. Maybe you think I am bitter because I have them for all my kids because they were given to me as gifts and they are sitting in a box somewhere not filled out. My plan is to fill them out when my kids are older and are out with friends and do not want to be around me and I am home with a glass of wine and have all the time in the world. And I think these books will turn out great, I might not remember every detail, but that is why you can make shit up and have fun with it. And now there are so many software programs like photo shop where I can also create pictures if I have to. Who is going to know? I also want know in all reality what do people do with these books? Keep them in attics or basements tucked away in storage? Or do people use them as coffee table books? Do people want to know when your kid first pooped? Because I know my Mom kept everything and had a book for me and gave everything to me when I was an adult and had my own kids because she wanted to get rid of all the crap collected in her house (Thanks Mom, my life with you was crap?) And she is not even positive if everything in my box is me or one of my 3 sisters. But I don't blame her and now it is in my attic with other crap
. So again I ask, why do we kill ourselves to record every moment? I have lived through it once and would not like to have to remember alot of it. So not that it is enough that we have to feed these kids, clothe them, keep them safe..make sure you record it all! I know this is a huge industry and there are so many products to help you with your books and make them into scrap books and one of my friends is huge into this and goes to a woman's house once a week to meet a group. I honestly thought it was a cover for women getting together to drink and relax and call it scrap booking so nobody would question them leaving the house so I went with her once and to my horror it really was scrap booking. Good God! I have told her I will pay her to do my kids when she is done. My kids ask me all the time questions like..What was my first word? What was my first stuffed animal and on and on..Again if I honestly don't remember I make it up!! It actually is kind of fun, but I also know the Mom's that actually recorded everything would say.."good question! Let's get your Baby Book and see and read it together!" Okay I prefer to keep everything locked in my special book that is in my heart...I know I cannot stop laughing either. I honestly think if I did record in their baby books at the time I was going through each stage I would horrify my kids,(and they would wonder how the authorities did not remove them from my care) so it is best they don't know the truth. So I would write that as I was changing my son's diaper and his umbilical cord stump fell off my dog grabbed it and ate it like a piece of steak. (yes gross I know..but true) Who wants to record that?
As if these books are not bad enough I was reading one in the store and I was horrified at how outrageous these things have gotten. I must have started laughing out loud and making comments because people stopped to look at me. (which I am use to) I kept thinking I want to know how honest people are filling these things out. This one book had every detail and question, I was surprised it did not ask to place a DNA sample inside. So it starts with When did you first find out you were having me? What was your reaction? What was Dad's reaction and every other member of the family down the line..I know most people would probably put the date and a heart or something and explain how the moment they found out they already loved their baby more then anything in the world and explain all the cute ways they told the family. Now my answer would be I found out I was having you and freaked out, took three more pregnancy tests to make sure and then called my sister (your aunt) and cried. (Nice I know, not a hallmark moment) Then the books go on for you to detail the whole pregnancy (would you log every time you threw up?) Then it moves onto the delivery and then the arrival home was again one of my favorites..It had a place for you to put a picture of your house that you were living in when you first brought your baby home. I am wondering if people take a picture from a Pottery Barn catalog, because honestly my picture would have the laundry baskets full of dirty laundry, the dog hair on everything and tumbleweed size dust balls blowing by and dishes in the sink and total chaos, so when my child wants to view his baby book he would probably ask me if we brought him home to a crack house! Then there is a place for everyone in the family to write a message of what they were thinking that day when you arrived home. My message would have been" I am so tired, feel like crap and my breasts are killing me and I need to change my milk soaked pads for the 20th time and you have peed through your onesie for the 5th time today and I am having trouble walking with the industrial size maxi pads in my underwear from bleeding like a river and I think I am going to cry.Love Mom" Not sure my kids want to read that one day, but it is the truth! Then the book has a page for you to record the first night your baby was home and to record what happened. Again if I were to fill this out it would go something like,"I was up all night with you because you would not sleep and were crying and hungry. I was trying desperately to get you to latch on and nurse but you could not and then I would spray breast milk all over you and me like a sprinkler system and I would cry because I was in so much pain and it felt like someone was putting needles in my nipples (yes I said nipple..it is getting x rated!) Then I started having cramps so bad that I thought I was giving birth again and honestly almost woke your father to bring me back to the Hospital because I thought that they made a mistake and I was having twins and there was another baby left inside me, but no apparently those are normal and someone should warn you for goodness sake. So I was exhausted and sore and smelled like sour milk as I sat up with you crying all night. Love Mom" Again this Baby book is not looking like a best seller! It goes on and on for every moment...I think my kids should be glad I have not managed to fill their books out yet.
I am thinking about creating a Mommy Journal to record every moment of the Mom, now that would be a best seller..The questions would be like How many times a day did you cry the first month you brought your baby home? At what point did you call your doctor for a prescription for you, not the baby? How many times did you call the lactation nurse to clarify how much and when you could drink wine when breastfeeding? Then you can look back later over all the special memories and laugh and think how did I ever survive??
As I write this I am feeling super guilty that I have not done my kids books (my friend really needs to get on the ball with this) so I ask my 16 year old walking by if he would care if I had a baby book recording his life and he looked at me funny and said "Why would I care? What would I do with it?...and When is dinner going to be ready?" Now I feel better..one down.. and little less guilt.
So as I continue on the dark side and I feel a disturbance in the force (that would be my 4 year old daughter) I think is my headstone really going to read. Loving Mother of three...never completed their baby books!!! Oh well!!