Saturday, April 25, 2015

Couch to 5k app can kiss my a**

I am not exactly what you would call an athletic person, unless using the original twist wine opener when the batteries run out on my automatic one counts. Okay, so I guess not. I haven't always been in this category, I did grow up playing sports for years and the thought of those very old memories make my muscles ache. I do remember running at one time but not sure how I did that to be honest. The whole idea of running sounds so exhausting.

The 2015 Boston Marathon just took place on April 20th and that is the one time every year in Boston that inspires people to try and do the impossible and push the human spirit. Especially this year with Maickel Melamed the Venezuelan man with Muscular Dystrophy that finished the Boston Marathon after 20 hours and pushing through driving rain. When I saw that story I could not make anymore excuses of why I couldn't try to get out there. So I decided to join my friends who are running the ALS 5k road race at the end of June, plenty of time for me to start my training.  And what better reason to start running and support an amazing cause. Now where do I start? A friend suggested I download the Couch to 5k app, sounds like a plan.

Now I should mention my technology skills are on the same page as my athletic skills, and words like downloading and app store make me want to break out in hives. With the help of my own personal Geek Squad in the form of my 10 year old son I managed to get this app on my dinosaur of an iPhone (I believe I still have an original that isn't even supported anymore) and after multiple apple password changes (this should have been a sign) I believe I am ready. Oh wait I need music! I don't believe my music folder consisting of Josh Grobin's Christmas album and Adelle's broken heart songs is going to help my cause. Again, struggling with my iPhone limitations and me thinking Pandora was a tropical Island I'm pretty much shit out of luck. After everything I went through to get this app on my phone I'm not turning back and I already committed to the June race so I turn to Geek Squad (my son) one more time and manage to get one song, Uptown Funk! now we are talking and I am so ready. I am definitely smoother then a fresh jar of skippy! Let's do this! Wait..I need to get dressed and find sneakers..sneakers would be good.

So getting dressed and finding semi athletic clothes and dusting off my running sneakers (which were bought because I liked the colors, not for running) I'm already exhausted. I think I pulled a muscle trying to get my sports bra on, seriously those things are dangerous. Believe me not for any reasons having to do with size but the shear fact of having 3 kids and breast feeding all 3 kids (not because I am trying to lead a sit in at a mall demanding acceptance of public breast feeding but all 3 kids came out asking for the boob and I had to beat them off with a stick). So this has left the girls totally shot and unable to stand at attention anymore and wrangling and stuffing them into a spandex trap is not the easiest task. I am already sweating and have not even started the app. I am starting to get a stomach ache from nerves.

I'm ready! I got my hair up in a cute pony tail and my sneakers are laced up and I am trying to channel my inner Shalane Flanagan (who by the way I have a girl crush on, she is amazing) and I am ready to push start on this couch to 5k app! And let me back up just a second and clarify that my pony tail is as cute as can be for a 43 year old woman whose 7 year old daughter was her stylist this morning. Okay..Let's go!

I manage to start the app and my one song and we are off! The woman's voice on the app is very pleasant and I have decided to name her Betty. Betty and I are going to be best friends I can tell already. So Betty says "start warm up" (5:00 minutes on the clock)..I start to walk with a pep in my step , proud of myself and full of excitement. I am really doing this! I enjoy the fresh air and time to myself and begin to think how fit I am going to be and I have a big smile on my face when I almost lose track and Betty's voice interrupts Bruno Mars and my funk "Begin running" (60 seconds on clock) Holy crap this is really happening! I begin to run, the fresh air starts to feel annoying and my legs are in shock and muttering their own potty words in the wind.  Just when I think I might have to stop good old Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) I try to gather my breathe that has begun to sound more like a freight train, my head is pounding and the first thoughts of "running sucks" enter my mind. People do this for fun? My stomach starts to hurt. Betty once again "begin running" (60 seconds on clock) I realize with every foot step that lands on the pavement my bladder feels like it is going to release from the pressure. And I cannot be positive I haven't peed myself a little already. Note to self, add maxi pads to running wardrobe. I start to wonder if there is a Kegal exercise app to remind me to start working on my pelvic floor muscles . (Kegal: Exercise that strengthens the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, small intestines and rectum, You can discreetly do these exercises anytime..Good to know..I love google) So as I try to start my kegals and attempt to run without peeing my pants good ole Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) My stomach is really starting to hurt now and I am in a panic because I am not near my house by this time. My legs hurt and my cute pony tail has fallen out and my hair is all over the place and my face is bright red. I pass by 2 little kids who begin to squirt me with water guns. I give them a death glare and tell myself to just stay calm and smile. I really wanted to grab the water guns out of their grubby little hands. Do they realize this is not a time to be messing with a woman trying to run, not pee herself and not poop herself. Betty "begin running" (60 seconds on the clock) I honestly now hate Betty and hate running! I pray someone I know drives by and offers me a ride. My stomach cramps intensify and I wonder if I can stop at a strangers house and ask to use their bathroom, that wouldn't be horrifying at all. I begin to think I will end up being Uta Pippig in the 1996 Boston Marathon (google that if you need to) and I will show up back at my house greeted by my family with shocked stares. I plan my strategy of sneaking in the back door to the downstairs bathroom and burning my running outfit if the worse case scenario happens. Betty "begin walking" (1:25 on clock) When will this nightmare end? The torture of running and walking continues on and I now pray nobody I know drives by. I start to talk out loud and fight with Betty and then realize how heavy my butt feels with every step and thank God I have my gut to help off set the strain of my butt. So as the butt / gut giggle show continues I wonder if people I don't know are driving by me thinking "kudos to that pregnant woman out running!". Good lord! Betty is now the most annoying woman ever and I feel as if I have officially lost my mind and delirious with exhaustion and sweat. Is it a mirage or is that my house? Thank God that is my house!! I made it! I didn't pee myself and I did not become Uta..see ya Betty you suck and running sucks.

Day 1 complete! (30 minutes total)