Monday, April 30, 2012

This Girl Does not Need a Truth Serum!

One would think a trip to the Dentist could be accomplished without any major problems...right? Let me start again. Bringing all three of my children (that would include my 4 year old daughter AKA The Beast) and myself  early in the morning before school and work to all get our teeth cleaned. What was I thinking when I made that appointment? It felt like I was on an episode of "Survivor" just getting everyone up, dressed and out of the house by 7:00am. (And my daughter was already plotting against me!) So we arrive, barely, and I get the looks like you are late and we are the first appointments of the day and they are all waiting for us (Great more Guilt). There is not a second to breath as we are all being moved to our spots out back and the craziness begins. They take my older son on his own and then set up my other two younger ones in chairs next to me so we are all close by. I know their thinking is I can be close by to help or so they don't get scared but good lord let the fun begin.
For whatever reason if you give my daughter a chair of any kind to sit in, it turns instantly into a Therapy couch for her and it becomes her time to really let loose and unload everything off her chest that is weighing heavy on her 4 year old mind. So if she is at the salon getting her hair cut, or if I take her to get her nails done, or when she sits next to her brother at the Barber Shop, sitting at the Pediatrician's office and especially at the Dentist's office relaxing in that big long chair that they recline back. My daughter does not need any encouragement to open up and talk, she has that talent down pat! She could win an Olympic Gold medal if talking was a sport.  I cringe whenever she is sitting in a chair and it is like her instant Truth Serum and then it begins..The Questions. "How old are you? Are you in school? I Love your beautiful hair with all the curls.." I brace myself for my daughter to get started and the flood gates open and there is no coming back.

The worst part for me at the Dentist is I am laying helpless in the chair next to her with my mouth open and a suction and all the tools going in and out and I have no chance to stop her. All I can do is sit, listen, cringe and feel my face turn three shades of red. My daughter starts to answer the questions and finds it so much fun she decides to jump ahead and not wait for questions to be asked but to take over and tell all of her stories and in the process all the family secrets (Or all the reasons I will not be getting title of Mother of the Year). It went something like this...My daughter says,"You know it is not polite to use your middle finger?" and the woman says, "Oh yes that is not nice." and my daughter says, "You know what it means right?" By now my heart is beating so fast and I am bracing myself for where this is going and the looks I will be getting as to why my 4 year old is talking about flipping people off. The woman replies "Yes I know what it means.." and her voice does sound like she is now trying to steer my daughter off this subject but it will not be working. My daughter continues.."It means BACK OFF!!! Get out of my face" and she said it with such force and conviction that I did chuckle a little. I thought well Thank God that is her definition of the middle finger for now and Thank God she did not feel it needed to be proven or demonstrated that morning. But she is not done..oh no there is so much more. She continues..."Did you know we use to have 2 dogs but one died! My brothers say I killed her because I threw a big football and it hit her in the head and she fell down but she had been sick and already had a boo boo on her head. It was not my fault! And did you know that my lip fell off and the doctor picked it up and put it back on (this is another story for different blog) and did you know that my Mom is on Face Book all the time (not true) and sometimes she does not give us baths at night because she is drinking wine and forgets and so she does not wash my hair and my Dad says I look like a homeless child with my dirty knotted hair when he picks me up from preschool (I am dying right now) and did you know my Mom says bad words all the time and needs to give us a dollar every time she does? My brother has $21 right now...and did you know my Mom once..." I am finally done and I stand up fast and start talking louder then her to drown her out and she gives me a dirty look because I stopped her next story mid sentence. My daughter had this look like don't worry I will finish next time..and I know she will..cannot wait. I try to gather my kids and get out of there as fast as possible and avoiding all eye contact

Maybe I will ask if my daughter needs a sedative before getting her teeth cleaned next time.....But not sure that could even stop her..

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Friday, April 20, 2012

Vincent van Gogh he is not!!

As a Mom I have received many works of art from my children over the years and I think it is safe to say that none of them seem to be the next van Gogh! So with Mother's Day approaching next month I am getting prepared for all the homemade cards and art projects that will portray my kids unconditional love for me. Yeah right! Most times I am honestly wondering if I should be concerned with their portrayal of the family! So my 7 year old son surprised me yesterday with a portrait he made of me..and let me tell you I was SURPRISED. He is so excited to show me and so proud of his masterpiece. I am a little shocked at what he thinks I look like and I try to keep the smile on my face and portray my excitement with his Labor of Love.

So my surprise portrait has me sporting one little eye and one gigantic eye and then it has me rockin' a bald hair do and I have huge Blue lips as if I just drank a Super Blue Slush from 7 Eleven. Did I mention my head is huge to match my one huge eye? Then I have a pencil thin neck to hold up my monster head which leads down to a less then flattering mid section that resembles the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the Ghostbusters movie! And then apparently I have huge hairy MAN arms to hug my sweet children with as I chase after them with my one leg. But the best part of the whole masterpiece are my long penciled in BOOBS that look like deflated party balloons..12 hours after the party! REALLY??

So after taking in the beauty of my picture I have to ask my son."Is this what you really think I look like?" And he answers, "Well you are always talking about how you need to get in shape and lose some weight, so I wanted to help you." I am processing this statement and start to laugh out loud. So he is helping his Dear old Mom from her fate of turning into an overweight half woman and half man pirate with saggy BOOBS!! I thank him for his concern and before he leaves he says "So hang that picture up and look at it everyday!" So I stand there looking at my picture again and decide I will pour a glass of wine instead of going to the Gym! I definitely think I will look like a Super Model after some wine!!

Yes I need to get in shape but more importantly I need to get my kids some ART lessons!!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Be Kind...Rewind!!

So it is official..I feel old! How did this happen? My oldest is 16 and getting his license (I threw up in my mouth a little bit) and just got his first car! Yikes. He has an older model car that has a tape player, which is very funny because teenagers have no idea what a tape player is and how can they put their CD's in a tape player? As I watch him sitting in his car and investigating everything my mind floats back to him being a little boy and I did have tapes in the car and we only had VHS movies to watch...and then I remembered....

So when my oldest was little we would go to Blockbuster every Friday night and rent movies for the weekend. This was long before the days of Netflix and Movies On Demand. He would love walking up and down the rows of movies and making his selections and then getting some Movie candy as we checked out. (those were the days) Then you had to remember to drop them back off or get late fees and if you did not rewind them you would get a $1 fee. There was a big sign as you put the movies in the drop off box "BE KIND...REWIND" Seems simple enough...right? Until the phone call I received!

So it was not unusual for Blockbuster to call those days and remind you if you had an overdue movie or if a movie came in that you had requested, so I was not that alarmed at first when I got the call! So I answer and a young man on the other end states that he is calling from Blockbuster and that there is a problem with the movie I returned. I do not understand what he is talking about. I say, "I dropped the movie off on time and I remember I did rewind." And the young man replied, "You did rewind but it is not our Movie." I am still confused as he continues "We do not have THESE KIND of movies at Blockbuster." My heart starts to race as my brain processes what has happened and he says "Ma'am if you could return our Movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I will give you back your movie" All I can say is "I am sorry I will be down." I hang up the phone and I am horrified as the full reality of what I have done sinks in. In my Monday morning rush of getting out of the house I never looked at the tape I ejected from player and put in the case! Now I have to walk into the Blockbuster and hand over the correct tape as I retrieve my KIND of movie. Great! Okay so as you might have guessed by now, some Mommies and Daddies might have some things that are not G rated and apparently Blockbuster does not have a hidden back room with movies. I gather myself together and hold my head up high and drive down to the store with the correct movie. I take a deep breath as I open the door and prepare my walk of shame. As I reach the counter the young man asks if he can help me. I start to explain "I spoke to you on the phone and I returned the wrong movie.." I did not have to say anything else. He says "Oh I know who you are.." As he pulls my movie out from behind the counter in a brown paper bag. (surprised it did not have a scarlet P on the front!) and handed it to me, I give him the correct movie back. There is not much to say but I tell him I am sorry for the mix up and as I try to make a quick get away, he says "You are lucky we check every movie, can you imagine if a kid rented that and we never checked!" Okay I am mortified as it is and I know I was wrong but I am done getting a lecture from this kid and I turn and say "Obviously you check every movie so you have seen this movie and I am pretty sure you must have enjoyed! Have a good day!" I turned and bolted with my movie and let's just say I never went back to that Blockbuster! I am pretty sure there is a special note on my membership account.

So always remember to Be Kind...Rewind.....or here is a better tip! Lock up THOSE MOVIES!!!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Farts are Funny!!

I am pretty sure the title sums up what this post is about. guessed right...Farts!! And how kids find Farts to be so hilarious! I do realize I will offend some people but let's get real for a minute. I know that the word in itself is found by many parents not be politically correct or proper, give me a break! What is proper about a fart? But there are many parents that try not to laugh or blush and teach their children words like..tooting or ducking or passing gas..whatever seems cuter then FART! But again on the topic of getting real Everybody Does it!! That is everybody farts! (GASP) So in keeping with the adventures of Motherhood there are always stories that fall under the topic of Poop! So as many of you who have been following me know my 4 year old daughter finds the topic of poop to be one of her favorites! I should have known that when she put dog poop in my coat pocket and I wore that to was just the beginning of my poop stories.

So recently my daughter has collected an Arsenal of fake poop products from the local arcade with her winning tickets..Oh joy! And I do realize that most parents would probably tell their kids that those prizes were not an option, but I was not getting off that easy with my daughter. That would fall under the category of "Pick your Battles", and what real harm could fake poop products cause?? So to my daughter's excitement and sheer delight she now has fake dog poop (better then the real stuff!), 2 WhooPee Cushions and 2 jars of Poop Goo or Fart Jars (The jar of goop that makes real fart noises when you put your fingers inside) Yes I know we are a classy family but we keep it fun. So with her joy of playing pranks on the family and using her poop products I had to set a few rules such as not using them around her grandparents and not taking them to school (would love that phone call!) and then not bringing them out in public all together. So my daughter is a smart one and she started sneaking them in her purse when we left the house and I found that out when we went to visit my friend and she had brought the fake dog poop and placed it in her house randomly. So when in the middle of our visit my friend's son started yelling from the other room and we go running and he is pointing at the fake poop and my friend cannot figure out how poop got in her house and I knew right away and had to apologize and explain. I know it is so normal for people to bring fake poop to other houses, well it is very normal for our family! I did have to laugh to myself..I have to give my daughter credit for even planning and thinking of these things at 4 years old. I am very afraid for what 16 will bring..yikes!

Okay so I think I have given a good background to get you in the theme. So let's review..Farts are Funny to kids! Yes kids are gross creatures..they love anything to do with farts and burps! Sometimes it is hard not to laugh! So I had to run out and get gas for my car the other night and my little shadow I call my daughter insisted on coming. I say "Hurry up let's go quick if you are coming." So we get in the car and she is in her seat in the back seat when I pull up the the full service station. The young gas attendant comes over and I roll my window down to ask him to fill it up and as I hand him my debit card, out of nowhere the loudest, and grossest sounding fart echos through my car! He looks at me with wide eyes and my face turns red instantly and I am frozen in shock for a second. He hands me my card back and quickly moves onto the next car that pulled up as my car fills up. He could not get away from me fast enough. As soon as I shake the shock off and realize what has happened I turn to my daughter in the back who has the biggest smile on her face and see that she has her poop goop jar hidden under her sweatshirt. She starts to laugh and says "Mom that guy thinks you farted!!" And by now I am so embarrassed and mad but cannot help but laugh. She has struck again! I try to pull myself together so I can explain to the kid when he returns to my car that I did not fart so I can try and redeem myself. I start to talk really fast and explain "My daughter has one of those fart jars in the back seat and that was the noise you heard." He has a smirk on his face and I know he does not believe a word I am saying. I beg my daughter to show him but of course she laughs and won't help me out and says "Mom you farted!" Really now he has handed me my receipt and heads to the next car to get away from the crazy farting lady! I think to myself that I am not returning to this station for awhile and as I pull away I tell my daughter "Just wait until your Prom!! I will return the favor!"

So it is not the first time my daughter has had me turn 10 shades of red and it will not be the last!

You have been warned! If you invite us to your house please frisk my daughter at the door and make her open her purse!