Monday, January 30, 2012

Mom The girls have fallen and cannot get up!!

Never a dull moment in my house! I feel like my house is a live taping for that old show "Kids say the Craziest Things!" (or something along those lines) and Bill Cosby was the host and he would interview kids and focus on the fact that kids have no "filter" and will say anything and how cute and funny they are. I think the cuteness loses its appeal real quick when your a Mom and most of those unfiltered comments are directed your way by your own children. I always thought your kids were suppose to tell you that you were the most beautiful woman in the world just because you were their Mom, and your were their hero. Not so much. My kids have no problem telling me whenever there is a commercial on for the latest ab machine or weight loss product to help me with that permanent "pooch" left over from three kids.And constantly trying to touch that "pooch" and asking if it will ever go away? Or pointing out and asking about every blemish on my face or why do I have a vein on my leg that they can see and constantly point out and forget when it is bathing suit season!! I tell them every mark, scar, dark circles under the eyes, extra pounds, veins and gray hairs have three names attached to them and they look confused every time I say that and I tell them I have all three of them to Thank for my Super Model looks!!

So I have accepted the fact that I am not going to be asked anytime soon to grace the cover of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, but I do try to stay in shape and stay healthy. So I signed up with my sister to join the Avon Breast Cancer walk to help a great cause and also train and get in shape to walk 40 miles this Spring. My kids know I am doing this walk and I have explained that we are walking to help save the "boobies" and help sick women. I try to keep things as simple as possible even when it is a serious topic so my kids can understand. I have explained to them that some kids Mom's could be sick and I am trying to help them. I have been talking to my sister on the phone about the walk recently so I am sure they have heard the word "boobies" more then they would like, especially the boys who make a face whenever they hear me.

 I would think that nothing would shock me at this point especially with my 4 year old daughter who has caused me great embarrassment in her short life so far and she seems to always top her best work. So definitely never a dull moment whether it is dog poop in my pocket, or throwing "F" bombs in front of elderly women at the store or announcing to a full waiting room at the doctor's office that the doctor tried looking at her private parts and I tried explaining it was a physical exam and very normal! (That poor doctor) So I am trying to take a nice hot shower and sneak 5 minutes to myself last night when my daughter comes barging in and opens the curtain and asks when I am going to be done because she cannot sleep unless I am laying next to her and she is exhausted! Okay shower and quiet time is over and I am not in the mood to argue so I tell her to give me a minute to dry off and get dressed. She starts to head out of the bathroom when she turns back and says "Mom do you realize your boobs are hanging down low?" I stop for a second and tell her to get out and let me get dressed. Kids are so annoying. I am well aware of the laws of gravity! She is still standing there looking confused and continues "Is that why you are doing the "boobies" walk? To save your "boobies"? By now I am so annoyed and tell her again to leave me alone and she is not budging and really is intrigued by the whole situation and almost proud of herself that she now understands, or think she understands why I am walking to save the "boobies". And apparently now after seeing me in the shower she thinks I am doing this walk to save mine from their sad post three kids fate! She finally turns to leave and then has one more question "Does Dad know your boobs hang like that?" But she does not wait for my answer and takes off. I stand there for a second shocked and then start to laugh because I will probably cry if I don't laugh. And I say out loud.."Yes your father is well aware!"

So I still look forward to walking and helping the Breast Cancer cause but no matter how far I walk according to my 4 year old daughter there is no saving my "boobies" because they have fallen and cannot get up!!!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I am going to put $10 in the $%^&#@ bad word jar before the weekend starts!!

Happy $%^&*# Weekend to all you Mom's and Dad's! You ask why I am swearing or my fake swearing? because I can, just because I can if I want! Well the kids are still asleep (or should I say the Mom police are still asleep) and so when I can sneak a rare moment of alone time I just choose to say a few choice words. Go ahead and try it, makes you feel so good sometimes!! It has been one of those weeks and they happen and it is okay, life is not perfect but it has been costly for me. I am currently up to $6.75 from just this week in bad words! And let me just clarify that I am not walking around swearing like what must have been flying in the Ravens locker room after Sunday's game..good lord no! I might have a slip of a good Friggin or Crap or the mother of all words according to my 7 year old future priest son "God!!" (Mom it is Gosh!! not God! Yes I have taken the Lord's name in vain). And yes a few of the A list bad words have been known to surface but I always make sure I leave the room or go around the corner or mutter under my breath but every time I hear the all to familiar voice behind me "Mom you said a BAD WORD! You need to put money in the jar!!" It is so annoying! So after the week I have had and already being in the hole $6.75 I told my kids I am putting $10 in before the weekend even starts because I can already pretty much see in my crystal ball how things are going to be. (&^*%$ ^&%$#@*&^%!!!!)

Again this would fall under the category of do as I say, not as I do! Most of you know I have already had to deal with the embarrassment of having my 4 year old daughter ask me what the "Bleep" is wrong with me in a crowded store, so I use great restraint as I navigate the stressful days as a Mom! But let's get real, I am never going to be using "Oh Sugar and Spice, or Nuts!! Maybe, Hot Fudge Brownies and Ice Cream!!" and if your really mad you add sprinkles, good lord cover my ears!! I might blush thinking of all the Mom "swears". I do have friends that claim they never swear and I have heard them use the candy sugar coated swears like "frosted snow balls!" or "fudge cakes" and I am always amazed like "Really? Are you serious?" I am aware there are the Mom's that claim everyday is a day at Disney World and Motherhood is a magical journey sprinkled with Fairy Dust, okay I want whatever pill it is they take because I am convinced they take something. Those have to be the closet Mom's that lock themselves in a closet and have a good ole swear fest and couple of swigs of Mommy juice and then all is good and back to the Good Ship Lollipop!! I cannot wait for my alone time in the mornings when the kids are on the bus or dropped at school and it is just me in the car and I honestly will just swear out loud in my car with no little voices behind me adding up my bad word bill, it is so fun and I am well aware that people watching me at red lights probably think I belong in a locked down unit but it is a great Mom release!

So a quick recap of the highlights of my week went something like this...My Blind Diabetic dog was left outside because I forgot in the madness of life with three kids to let him back in and he managed to make his way to the middle of the road in front of my house and decided to lay down and stop traffic and cause a large group of people to circle him and talk about what they should do and where are the negligent owners and I go running outside to scoop him up and apologize to them and Thank them so much for stopping and not running him over as my kids watch from the front door crying and screaming that he could have died and what is wrong with me!! and then because I was so freaked out about forgetting him outside and almost being the reason for his demise I then find no time to let him out where I can watch him and not forget he decides to start pooping in the kids play room on their toys and so I am met with frantic screams when they discover this and my 4 year old daughter is determined to pee like her brothers standing up no matter how many times I tell her boys and girls are different and it will not work so I step in pee for the 100th time when I walk in the bathroom and then as I clean up the pee again I realize that the kids bathroom could win 1st place at the regional science fair for whatever forms of slime and bacteria are growing in there and then I go to work for a training in front of 30 people and there is a princess sticker stuck to my butt that my daughter thought would be funny and someone had to point out to me in the middle of my presentation....and this is just the top highlight reel...there is more!! So yes I will be putting $10 in the bad word jar and I will enjoy every single dollar!!!!

So when you have one of those days as a Mom or one of those weeks!!! And "frosted sugar cookies" and "Holy Gingerbread Man" is not going to cut it then cut yourself some slack...throw some money in the jar and go crazy *&^%$#*&^@#$ *&*^%$#@!!!!!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

You thought the Santa Card was strong..enter the God card

I was sad to see Santa leave with his magic of the "Santa Card" that was a Mom's best friend during the Holiday Season! I did not think there would be anything close for another year to help me with my very energetic 4 year old daughter! I love when friends of mine see a story on the News about a child taking their parents car for a drive or call 911 and try to order a pizza or anything crazy and they always say "I thought of your daughter!" So nice...but so true....

I was picking my 7 year old son up from Religious Education the other day and he was excitedly telling me about how they made a prayer poster and they were going to pray every night for people. He then told my 4 year old daughter "I am going to pray for you first because you need it!" She looks at him confused and then grabs his poster out of his hands to look at it and they begin to fight..he says "You did not even ask first and that is rude. God will not be very happy with you!" and my 4 year old responds in true fashion "So, I don't care..I don't know God!" And my son responds "Oh he knows you and he is not happy with you!!" My 4 year old starts to look a little nervous but still holding her tough ground  not backing down, but I can see her little mind thinking for a minute. I could tell she was trying to see if her brother was telling the truth. It is the same look she gets when her brothers tell her they are going to tell Dad she has been bad. My daughter is one tough cookie but she does not want her Daddy, Nana or Santa to ever think she has done anything has God been added to that list? We get home and my son hangs his poster in his room and I see my daughter hovering close by to look at it but does not want anyone else to see she is interested or cares. She then asks me "Mom is God mad at me?" I tell her "Of course not!! He loves you no matter what, he never gets mad at anyone..he just wants everyone to be nice and it is okay to make mistakes..we are all human." She smiles and runs off happy and I think my kids are so lucky not to be raised like my sisters and I with everything ending with the possibility of flames licking your heels!

So I think back to my Catholic School days with the nuns and priests and if I had asked that same question it would have probably gone something like this "Is God made at me?" and I would have been told "Yes he is always mad and you need to think of what you have done wrong and what you can do better and you do not want to burn in the eternal flames and why don't you start with 10 Hail Mary's and ask for forgiveness and on and on." Boy do kids have it so good today! Everything is so cute and sweet and their God now is so loving and never gets mad:)

I was putting laundry away a little later and I notice my son's bedroom door is closed so I open it just a bit to make sure he is okay but I find my 4 year old daughter sitting in front of his prayer poster talking so I listen quietly "I don't know who you are but I wanted to let you know that I am good and my brothers are the ones who start everything and I think you should watch them, Thanks and I hope you have a good day. And if I could have a new doll that would be great!" I had to leave because I could not stop laughing and I love how she thinks this God character is Santa's father and she could not wait until nobody is looking to throw her brothers under the bus and run them over and make sure everyone including God knows that she is a sweetheart!!

She leaves the room and I go in to put the laundry away and I look at the cute prayer poster my son made and I make sure nobody is watching as I say a little prayer "So if you could make sure my kids behave tonight and go to bed without a fight and my house ends up spotless and a glass of wine is waiting for me that would be great! Amen!"

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Tooth Fairy has a drinking problem and the Easter Bunny is a player..

I love rewriting all of the childhood fairy tales and magical characters one successful day of motherhood after another!! I thought I was done with all the magic for awhile after the overweight man in the red suit took his creepy elf and fled town. Of course not!

So as I sit back to relax with a glass of wine and punch my time card "out" for the day and I am off duty as a Mom until the morning, it happens!  My 7 year old comes running in yelling and frantically waving his hand in the air and then stands in front of me to present his golden prize!! And as he opens his hand slowly to reveal the tiny white tooth with blood, my brain is saying "Crap!!" and he is saying "Mom..Look! I finally lost that tooth I have been working on!! Isn't that great!!" He is so excited and cute, but the timing could not be any worse. It is 9:00pm at night and I have no money to put under his pillow and more importantly I do not want to get up and find the tooth bag that the Tooth Fairy takes the special tooth from. Why do we torture ourselves and start these traditions in the first place? Who says it has to be money? I am kicking myself for not starting with apples, crackers, pencils, toothpaste or anything random!

As my son is still standing there bouncing with excitement I start my web of lies.."This is so exciting! Too bad it is after 5:00pm though..the Tooth Fairy will have to come tomorrow night" And there it is...Don't ask me why? He looks at me confused and asks "Why does it matter what time?" And the story I want to tell is "Because if it is after 5:00pm then the Tooth Fairy starts drinking the wine and you know she cannot drink and fly and then try to use magic pixie dust..very dangerous! And after 5:00pm she turns into a total hot mess and very unreliable! I also heard she has been shacking up with the Easter Bunny and we all know that Bunny gets around! Good lord! And you want her in your room in the middle of the night smelling like booze and carrots..oh no..we need to give that girl some warning!" Like I said that is the story I want to tell.. but no I begin to tell him.."If a child loses a tooth after 5:00pm it is too late to get on the Tooth Fairy list and she will come the next night. She makes her list and plans before 5:00pm every night and before it gets dark, because she has to check all the weather reports for the world and if she has to go to cold parts she needs her special warmers that she puts on her wings so they don't freeze up on her.. and it is snowing out there tonight, we would not want her to get hurt." And as I am not even finished my son is looking very confused but seems to buy it and is just excited that she will be coming even if he has to wait a night. And he asks "How much do you think I will get?" He does not even wait to hear my answer as he runs off to get a bag to put his prize tooth in and is buzzing with the joy and excitement of all the magic and wonder of a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

I sit back to finish my relaxing Mom time and think that was a close one..but it might not be so easy next time.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Do as I say..Not as I Do

As if being a Mom is not stand alone the most stressful job there also have to be a "Role Model"! I do laugh at this because sometimes it is not any fun being the role model!!

We spend all this time telling our kids what is right and what is wrong. Always say please and Thank you. And never swear and never be mean to anyone because you would not want anyone being mean to you. Always hold the door open for people behind you. Respect your elders. Always wear a seat belt..never litter!! And never smoke it is bad for your health and on and on and on. So it is a big responsibility being a Role Model and the thing is these kids absorb this stuff like a sponge and then they love telling you all the rules that we as Mom's are breaking fun!! "Mom you said a bad word! Mom put on your seat belt before you back out of the driveway! Mom you yelled at that guy and made a gesture! Mom you just went through a red light!" It is so annoying having the miniature police watching you at all times!!

So I thought I was a pretty well seasoned Mom, but nothing can prepare you for the "My teenager is Driving Phase!" Now I am screwed because if my kids are going to follow my Role Model skills on the road..I am in big trouble!! So I take my 16 year old out for some driving time the other day (And I wish it was okay to have a glass of wine during these trips, but I have been told that it is frowned upon!) As we are navigating our way through the town and I am on my tenth Hail Mary (so glad my Catholic School days came back real quick!) his cell phone goes off in the back seat where he left it and he says "I am going to pull over in the next parking lot to check my text because I am suppose to go a game with my friends" and being Mother of the Year for sure in 2012 (This is my Year..I can feel it!) I say without even thinking "You don't have to pull over, I will just grab it for you and you can look" Well you would have thought I just confessed a murder to him because the look of horror on his face made me think real quick that I had said something wrong? He says "Mom I am driving and you cannot text and drive! It is against the law! Why would you suggest such a thing!" And trying to redeem myself I say "I was just testing you..and you passed..great job!" He has a smirk on his face and I know he does not believe me for one second. He finally says "Mom you are the worst Role Model for driving! You talk, text, Facebook and blog while you drive!!" I was horrified!  He is right...I was so embarrassed and I say "Keep your eyes on the road and Do as I say...Not as I do.:)"

I have always felt that one of the best Mom qualities is the ability to multitask! I think of all the times I would make a bottle or change a diaper at a red light while driving to soothe a crying baby, I could drive and find a missing "binky" that fell under a seat, I could get a snack and juice box out of a bag and hand it to my kids in the back seat all while driving, I think I made a whole dinner and fed them while driving once! As I run through the list in my head I can see where my kids will have a distorted approach to safe driving!

I will definitely have to make sure my kids "Do as I say and NOT as I Do!!" And if you see me driving I would go the other way because I am probably writing my blog on my I Phone or whipping up some lunch for my kids!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Baby Books, Scrap Books and Journals ..Oh My!!

So I start each day with my Mom disclaimer.."I love my kids, I really do...BUT...." I am starting to think people don't understand the real world of Motherhood or are afraid to get real, or come on over to the Dark Side as I like to call it. It is okay to admit that we might not like our kids very much some days!!

So with that said I stopped at the store the other day looking for baby gifts for all my friends that continue to work on the baby boom and for some reason really like their kids and want to have more :) As I am looking at all the cute products that keep people fooled and still make life with kids out to be a fairy tale, even I am swayed by some of the cuteness. Then I reach the section with Baby books, Scrap books and every Journal there is to track and record every precious moment from the minute you found out you were pregnant. Then reality hits again and I am like these books should be listed under the section of "Let's put more pressure on Mom's and also remind them of why they will not be Mother of the Year!" And I am convinced these books have to be made by Men or Women without kids, honestly they are so annoying. Maybe you think I am bitter because I have them for all my kids because they were given to me as gifts and they are sitting in a box somewhere not filled out. My plan is to fill them out when my kids are older and are out with friends and do not want to be around me and I am home with a glass of wine and have all the time in the world. And I think these books will turn out great, I might not remember every detail, but that is why you can make shit up and have fun with it. And now there are so many software programs like photo shop where I can also create pictures if I have to. Who is going to know? I also want know in all reality what do people do with these books? Keep them in attics or basements tucked away in storage? Or do people use them as coffee table books? Do people want to know when your kid first pooped? Because I know my Mom kept everything and had a book for me and gave everything to me when I was an adult and had my own kids because she wanted to get rid of all the crap collected in her house (Thanks Mom, my life with you was crap?) And she is not even positive if everything in my box is me or one of my 3 sisters. But I don't blame her and now it is in my attic with other crap

. So again I ask, why do we kill ourselves to record every moment? I have lived through it once and would not like to have to remember alot of it. So not that it is enough that we have to feed these kids, clothe them, keep them safe..make sure you record it all! I know this is a huge industry and there are so many products to help you with your books and make them into scrap books and one of my friends is huge into this and goes to a woman's house once a week to meet a group. I honestly thought it was a cover for women getting together to drink and relax and call it scrap booking so nobody would question them leaving the house so I went with her once and to my horror it really was scrap booking. Good God! I have told her I will pay her to do my kids when she is done. My kids ask me all the time questions like..What was my first word? What was my first stuffed animal and on and on..Again if I honestly don't remember I make it up!! It actually is kind of fun, but I also know the Mom's that actually recorded everything would say.."good question! Let's get your Baby Book and see and read it together!" Okay I prefer to keep everything locked in my special book that is in my heart...I know I cannot stop laughing either. I honestly think if I did record in their baby books at the time I was going through each stage I would horrify my kids,(and they would wonder how the authorities did not remove them from  my care) so it is best they don't know the truth. So I would write that as I was changing my son's diaper and his umbilical cord stump fell off  my dog grabbed it and ate it like a piece of steak. (yes gross I know..but true) Who wants to record that?

As if these books are not bad enough I was reading one in the store and I was horrified at how outrageous these things have gotten. I must have started laughing out loud and making comments because people stopped to look at me. (which I am use to) I kept thinking I want to know how honest people are filling these things out. This one book had every detail and question, I was surprised it did not ask to place a DNA sample inside. So it starts with When did you first find out you were having me? What was your reaction? What was Dad's reaction and every other member of the family down the line..I know most people would probably put the date and a heart or something and explain how the moment they found out they already loved their baby more then anything in the world and explain all the cute ways they told the family. Now my answer would be I found out I was having you and freaked out, took three more pregnancy tests to make sure and then called my sister (your aunt) and cried. (Nice I know, not a hallmark moment) Then the books go on for you to detail the whole pregnancy (would you log every time you threw up?) Then it moves onto the delivery and then the arrival home was again one of my favorites..It had a place for you to put a picture of your house that you were living in when you first brought your baby home. I am wondering if people take a picture from a Pottery Barn catalog, because honestly my picture would have the laundry baskets full of dirty laundry, the dog hair on everything and tumbleweed size dust balls blowing by and dishes in the sink and total chaos, so when my child wants to view his baby book he would probably ask me if we brought him home to a crack house! Then there is a place for everyone in the family to write a message of what they were thinking that day when you arrived home. My message would have been" I am so tired, feel like crap and my breasts are killing me and I need to change my milk soaked pads for the 20th time and you have peed through your onesie for the 5th time today and I am having trouble walking with the industrial size maxi pads in my underwear from bleeding like a river and I think I am going to cry.Love Mom"  Not sure my kids want to read that one day, but it is the truth! Then the book has a page for you to record the first night your baby was home and to record what happened. Again if I were to fill this out it would go something like,"I was up all night with you because you would not sleep and were crying and hungry. I was trying desperately to get you to latch on and nurse but you could not and then I would spray breast milk all over you and me like a sprinkler system and I would cry because I was in so much pain and it felt like someone was putting needles in my nipples (yes I said is getting x rated!) Then I started having cramps so bad that I thought I was giving birth again and honestly almost woke your father to bring me back to the Hospital because I thought that they made a mistake and I was having twins and there was another baby left inside me, but no apparently those are normal and someone should warn you for goodness sake. So I was exhausted and sore and smelled like sour milk as I sat up with you crying all night. Love Mom" Again this Baby book is not looking like a best seller! It goes on and on for every moment...I think my kids should be glad I have not managed to fill their books out yet.

I am thinking about creating a Mommy Journal to record every moment of the Mom, now that would be a best seller..The questions would be like How many times a day did you cry the first month you brought your baby home? At what point did you call your doctor for a prescription for you, not the baby? How many times did you call the lactation nurse to clarify how much and when you could drink wine when breastfeeding? Then you can look back later over all the special memories and laugh and think how did I ever survive??

As I write this I am feeling super guilty that I have not done my kids books (my friend really needs to get on the ball with this) so I ask my 16 year old walking by if he would care if I had a baby book recording his life and he looked at me funny and said "Why would I care? What would I do with it?...and When is dinner going to be ready?" Now I feel down.. and little less guilt.

So as I continue on the dark side and I feel a disturbance in the force (that would be my 4 year old daughter) I think  is my headstone really going to read. Loving Mother of three...never completed their baby books!!! Oh well!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Because I said so..that is why!!

Yes the life of a Mom is so glamorous! It is like walking the red carpet everyday and paparazzi wanting to track your every move..okay not so much!! It is more like a Reality Show on crack and also a Reality Show nobody wants to watch. So I start everyday hopeful that I will not lose anymore MOTY points and maybe actually gain a few...I dare to dream! (or I like to set myself up for failure)

So as we are not even done with breakfast I have already used "Because I said so..that is why!..Don't make me come in there! ..Finish your food there are starving kids in the world!"  As I walk away I start to laugh at myself and think how did this happen? And why am I such a lunatic? (don't answer that) It takes me back to my childhood and thinking what a nut my Mom was when she went on her out bursts because we drove her to the brink of madness, and I swore I would never use those stupid lines. Fast forward and here I am and let me tell you those Mommy sayings are a girl's best friend some days. And how fun, they never go out of style and it is part of the welcome package given when you join the Motherhood club. I am surprised they don't hand booklets out at the Hospital so you can be well versed and have a study guide after your kids are born. Oh wait I know why, because as you hold your sweet bundle of joy you cannot imagine them ever annoying you and the idea of yelling at them is unthinkable..Get real!! And believe it! So as I go through the card catalog in my head of all the wonderful lines and touch upon some oldie but goodies I am armed and ready for the day.

I am trying to quickly finish the dishes, some laundry and a bit of cleaning so I do not end up on the hoarders show, when I cannot ignore the screams coming from the other room any longer. My 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter have obviously decided to turn the living room into a WWF cage death match, with my 16 year old son in the middle blissfully unaware as he plays his video games. I am so annoyed and cannot stand the fact that I cannot even have 5 minutes of peace. That is it, I am done and head to the living room with my red eyes glowing and teeth clenched. As I arrive I decide to yell over the crying and fighting "I am going to give all of you something to cry about!!" (What does that mean exactly? What would I really do? Nothing..but it sounds good at the time) They stop and look at me for a second with a bit of fear on their faces, not sure what to say or do and then my 4 year old daughter says "Mom you need to get some new lines!!" Her brothers look a little scared and shocked like, oh no she did not just say that! And wait for my reaction, but then they all just start laughing! I walk away before they can see me laugh. Great! I am losing my touch! My mommy lines are not working! Well I am not going to give them up and I will continue to use them until they get married!! And then when they become parents I will pass the torch..:)

Don't make me pull this car over...Do you think I am joking?..Don't make me count to 3! Don't let me get to the number 3...oh so fun!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Hello..This is the school nurse..don't panic!!

So the New Year looks to be shaping up much like the last year and the one before that! I look around and see yes I still have three kids living in my house, so not much will be changing for 2012.

So I get a call from the school nurse today for my seven year old son and she always starts by saying "Hi Mrs. O'Neill this is Mrs. Blah blah the school need to panic!!! Just need to let you know your son came in complaining his hands were a little chapped and red, I gave him some lotion and he went back to class. All is good! Thanks" I want to back her up and be like first of all I am not in a panic and not sure why you have to say that every time. I am more annoyed then panic stricken because anytime a Mom gets the school nurse phone call we are like "Do we need to come get them? Do I need to leave work? Is my day going to be all messed up?" And for stay at home Mom's, they must be like "This is my time and those kids need to stay at school! :)" I really feel that there needs to be a list where the only calls that are made is if it involves Puke, Poop, Blood or Broken bones! I know it is not the school nurses fault, I do realize it is regulation and protocol because there are the Mom's of little Johnnie and Susie that would freak if they were not notified if their kids sneezed during school. So I explain to the school nurse that yes my son gets dry skin in the winter months on his hands and they have been bothering him because he has not been wearing his gloves at recess and it is really cold out! So I told her to tell him he is a dumb*** and put his gloves on and too bad so just kidding I said Thank you, but I was thinking it.

I actually feel really bad for school nurses to be honest and I would be fired the first week if that was my job. How annoying to have a stream of kids all day long telling you they don't feel good and then having to call their parents and go through the 10 phone numbers between home, work, cell phones and emergency neighbors, relatives and friends to let them know they gave their kid a band aid or they bumped heads with another kid at recess. Good Lord!! Give Me a Break! It reminds me of when my oldest son was in the third grade and he honestly went to the school nurses office everyday from Kindergarten to Third grade and sometimes ate his lunch in her office and I think he thought it was some kind of club med spa retreat. I finally told him in true MOTY fashion that he no longer could go the office unless he was puking his guts out or had explosive diarrhea! So he never went again and he is now a Junior in High School and I am sure it will all come out in therapy some day.

I would actually love to cover the school nurses office for one week and whip those kids into shape! I would make sure that those kids only came for true emergency situations. As the kids came in I would be like "Did you puke? Did you poop your pants? I do not see any blood!" And they would be like, "I don't feel good, or I bumped my knee at recess or my head kind of hurts!" I think I would be like "You think you have problems, I have not slept good in 16 years, I have three loads of laundry backed up at my house, I have no idea what to make for dinner tonight, and I have the worse PMS right now I could kill someone and I am pretty sure if your parents wanted you home during school hours they would have home schooled you! " And by then little Johnnie or Susie would be so confused and have no idea what I was talking about that they would just stare at me and I would say "Okay then go back to class and have a good day." I would love to hear these kids go home and tell their parents they did not feel well today and have them ask "Oh no, are you okay? Did you go to the school nurse? What did she say?" and they say "She told me she had PMS!!" Like I said, I would be fired, but it would be fun to live life, like a walking Saturday Night Live skit!!

So I tell my 7 year old we need to put extra lotion on tonight before bed and he says "That's okay, I can just go to the nurse tomorrow if they hurt!" And I say "I don't think that is a good idea she might have cramps and not be up for it!" He stops and looks at me very confused and I say "Forget it!" and I laugh to myself!

So I wait until my next phone call from the school nurse and I try not to panic....

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Resolutions out the Window Day One!

Happy *&%^$#@(*&^^ New Year!! One of my favorite sayings is that "I was a great Mom before I had kids!" I heard this again recently and I laugh every time I hear it because it so true! Kids make it so hard for us Mom's and Dad's to be the best we can be because they drive us insane!! 

So it is another New Year and I had my list of resolutions and was so excited to greet the New Year full of endless possibilities and hope! I was going to get back to working out again which totally disappeared with the arrival of the Holidays and work on being a better Mom (this makes the list every year) be more patient, less yelling....wait a minute...back it up...put this in reverse..What am I thinking every year?? It is mission impossible!! Do I honestly forget that I have three kids that have made it their New Year's resolutions to sabotage mine!

So I still awake with my clean slate and start working on those resolutions with all the positive energy I can muster. I decide to start a work out video instead of going to the gym so I can be done and start the day with my kids. Again these ideas always seem good at first. So as I navigate my way into the high energy world of Cardioke which is hip hop Cardio and singing (which neither I can do) but decide I will give it my all and stay determined! Just as I am into my first five minutes my kids and the dog decide to come in and watch me. Of course. So the questions begin.."What are you doing? You look funny! Are you sure you are doing this right?" I try so hard to ignore them, but to no avail. I tell them.."Mommy needs to work out, let me finish and then we will plan our day!" They leave but my blind diabetic dog stays and is trying to figure out what is going on with all of the jumping and singing and sudden movements all over the living room. He probably thought I was having a seizure and so he began to bark. Great! I tell him to knock it off and go away but he is determined that I am in great distress or being attacked, he is not quite sure but no it is just me trying to get in shape. I need to stop and put him away in his crate then as I head back I do start to laugh the poor dog cannot see except some shadows and all he can hear is me breathing heavy and gasping for air in between words from my songs. So as I continue on my quest for a healthy start to the New Year I am in the middle of singing "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was Hot like me, don't cha wish your.." And a little voice from behind the couch comes and scares the crap out of me.."Mom that is really weird!! What is wrong with you?" And as I lose my step and almost fall over there is my 7 year old watching me in all my workout glory (I have probably given him nightmares for sure and he can add it to his list for his future therapist) I tell him to get out and stay out and let me finish! Between the da** dog and kids no wonder I still look three months pregnant!! And my baby is 4 years old! I try to stay focused and determined to finish this work out, but not even 30 seconds later I hear the voices from the other room "Your stupid, no your stupid! I am going to tell Mom, no I am going to tell Mom, I am going to hit you with this!" And then I hear crying..I head to the play room so annoyed and I yell "What is going on? I am really going to give you both something to cry about!" (I know add it to the list of why no MOTY for me) They both start to tell me it is the other ones fault and I do not want to hear it. I get them settled and head back to finish my work out and my 16 year old is in my spot playing his video games, and he looks at me confused "Oh were you watching TV?" I say no and just say forget it and walk away. It is 9 hours into the New Year and I have already given up on my workout and have yelled at my kids!!

It is going to be a long 364 more days!!! And I think I will put away my MOTY application!