Saturday, May 11, 2013

How Shark Week turned into Girls Night Out!

Last week I was miserable and apparently my family agreed and was ready to vote me off our family Island. I started on my rant of that I work and I have 3 kids, a husband and a blind diabetic dog that I do everything for everyone..blah blah blah!! I should have known that my meltdown over spilled orange juice was a bit off the charts and even surpassed my Exorcist, head spinning and pea soup vomit flying moments. Yikes! All of a sudden it hit me and I realized I was heading into full blown Shark Week! That explains it! I felt so much better and such relief , but my husband was still looking at me like I was crazy and was not going to make any sudden movements around me. One would think ever since I read "Are you there God? It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume when I was 11, I would always be prepared, but apparently not. So as I am feeling better with the knowledge that my craziness is temporary and will pass my family is not so sure and are not thrilled with the effects of my crazy moods and giving me strange looks. As my 8 year old son is asking my husband what Shark Week is I chuckle and wonder why we couldn't go back to the good old days of women being banished from their villages during Shark Week. Oh those must have been the days.

Imagine being told that you were banished from your house once a month during Shark week with all the other women and we all headed off to Shark retreat and hung out drinking wine and relaxing. I am convinced   this is how Girls Night out evolved over the years. A long time ago women were forced to leave their villages and families during the week of "Red Death" :) The men could not understand how women could bleed for a week straight and not die and rant and rave like they were possessed, there had to be some kind of voodoo involved and this was bad luck for their crops and cattle. So women were banished! It was a scary time at first being forced to leave their homes and head out alone to sit over a dirt hole, but as the women were sitting alone they realized it wasn't so bad. No chores, no cooking and no tending to children. Shark week was starting to evolve into something kind of fun. As the women were banished each month and they started to congregate they formed nice groups and bonded over conversations. They also gathered berries for food while they were gone and realized that berries could be turned into some great juice and when left from week to week and it fermented...enter wine!    Of course as years went by and people realized that Shark week was not voodoo but a fact of life the women were no longer banished from their homes but women missed those banished times and started to schedule their own self imposed banishment with their girlfriends. Enter Girls Night Out!

So maybe my family won't officially banish me from my home (a girl can dream), and I might not kill a crop season,  when Shark week hits I need to grab a bottle of wine and banish myself:)

Friday, March 15, 2013

How YOUUUUU Doing??? Wink Wink....

It is a normal Friday night when all the craziness of the week releases with a big deep breath and the relief of knowing I don't have to shower tomorrow morning (yes this excites me) and running in the store to grab a bottle of wine. As I run in to get my liquid therapy, I am waiting in line behind all the other Friday Freedom Warriors when I notice a guy checking me out and I feel myself blushing a little and automatically tossing my hair and trying to act like it is normal to just be this hot and pretend I don't notice the appreciative stare. Okay this is where I let you know that my "hotness" consists of me still wearing my work clothes with my Ugg boots I threw on for total comfort and my 5 year old daughters neon purple head band to pull my hair back and okay I started my Saturday morning no shower rule a day early! So with all that I am still going with my hot image of myself and now I should mention the guy checking me out was slightly older (okay he might have known Jesus) and he might have been missing some teeth and possibly smelled like he napped with a blanket soaked in grain alcohol, but he was checking ME out!! Boo ya!! So I grabbed my wine and walked out the store with a little extra pep in my step. The "I still got it!!" step. The I could have been in one the 80's Whitesnake videos for sure and rocked that scene with flipping my Aquanet soaked hair and acid wash jeans on top of a cherry red corvette. (No I swear I have not started the wine drinking yet..just grabbed my bottle)

So I am now safely inside my car and I start to laugh out loud thinking how silly I am that I honestly was flattered that Grizzly Adams thought I was a fine young Filly. How did this happen? (don't answer that!) How did I go from OMG! really how gross if a less then desirable decided to check me out all the way to..I'll take it! And I will tell myself that I can still rock it!! So life has gone from heading out all young and cute with my friends cramming into a cab over the passenger limits because the driver didn't care transporting hot now being psyched that we can all cram into a minivan that fits us all and heading out for the rare pub crawl! So now when I am thrown a Joey Tribbiani "How YoUUU Doin??" I tuck my hair behind one ear and blush a little..maybe a giggle or two...grab the kids and tell myself "You are still one hot mama!!!" 

Boo Ya!!!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Get this Woman a Glass of Wine Stat!!

I was picking my daughter up from ballet class the other day and the kids were still in the studios while the parents waited outside and I saw a woman sitting there with a little girl throwing a tantrum next to her. Not just any tantrum, but one that every Mother can relate to and I saw the look of desperation on this woman's face and I ran over to her. (I literally ran over to her and I think I might have even pushed someone out of the way in the process.) I don't know this woman, but when I reached her I asked if she had wine in her house and would she be able to pour a glass when she got home. She looked up at me confused at first because as she is trying to tune out her child that is freaking out in epic proportions, "me" the total stranger is asking about wine! She then started to smile and looked relieved and told me she did have wine and that her daughter was going to bed early and she was going to sit and relax with a glass of wine. I talked to her for a few minutes and had her laughing and by this point her daughter had stopped freaking out and was staring at me, wondering who the nut was talking to her Mom. I felt much better as we all left the dance studio and as I got in my car I started to laugh out loud. I am thinking about what a lunatic I am running up to strangers making sure they have wine because I was ready to go get this woman a bottle of wine if she did not have one. I can remember some really bad moments with my kids and feeling so overwhelmed and wishing someone had run to my side offering some kind words, or a smile or to make sure I had a stock of wine in my house!

As I drove home I was thinking about what a nice person I am to be so concerned about my fellow Moms and I had some real talents that I should be sharing. I could be a Super Hero and I started to think of names and costumes, and I could make this huge for all Moms everywhere! I think I would be the "Masked Merlot Mama" and I need to form my Mom Justice League. Who is with me?? I picture Super Hero Moms everywhere covering parks, grocery stores, ballet classes, karate name it! When we hear the whining and crying of a tantrum we know there is a Mom nearby that needs us! I picture running around the corner like Spiderman or Superman and turning in a flash into my "Masked Merlot Mama" with a cool belt that had bottles of wine, openers and glasses :) I need to get the word out to all Moms and when they are in need they need to flash the wine glass in the sky to alert the Moms Justice League!!

Okay I need to get started on my costume and building the Merlot Cave and the Merlot Mobile!! Until next time keep your eyes on the sky!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Pinterest Can kiss My A*&!

So as if Facebook is not setting the bar high enough for Parents to keep up with their "Perfect Families" and post non-stop sugar coated statements of living on Candy Cane Lane and Sugar Plum Fairies dancing through their houses! Enter my Nemesis.."Pinterest"! I have many friends and family members who have fallen under the spell of Pinterest and were drawn towards the shiny light and are hooked. I personally went on once to see what it was all about and wanted to break out in hives from the overload of perfection and cuteness :) I am not sure how my kids are going to survive with a Mom that does not join the Pinterest family so I decided to check it out again with the help of my friend who is a Pinterest junkie.

Maybe I was wrong about Pinterest...There are endless ideas to help enhance my life on Candy Cane Lane!   So I decided to give it a try and get my pinning on..

How did I ever live without Pinterest and all the nifty ideas that can help me get my Brady Bunch on. So my kids no longer watch their morning cartoons sitting on the couch, but watch them from their new forts I whip up with the old bed sheets and pillows. Then they enjoy a wonderful breakfast of waffles in the shape of Hogwarts School of Wizardry with homemade syrup. As they wait for the bus we make pretend snow cones with the fresh snow from our latest New England storm and make flavors with my homemade food coloring. When they are off to school I head back to the kitchen to throw together one of my 101 crockpot dinner recipes to simmer all day as I work. I am so excited to try my new seasonings and herbs I have growing in my kitchen window with the natural sunlight. I notice all the dog hair I have not had time to vacuum up and remember I can just open the back door and sweep out the hair for the animals to make warm winter nests. I cannot wait to try my new homemade bath scrubs tonight made out of Mint leaves, blueberries and strawberries all crushed up. I grab the scones I made for my coworkers as I run out the door...

Reality check!! Pinterest can kiss my A#$!!! 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I was promoted to "Poop Queen!"

As a Mom I have many talents and I juggle many titles and jobs, but imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out this morning that I have been crowned "Poop Queen" by my family. Now if you have followed my blog you know that I am no stranger to the topic of Poop and many aspects of my life is surrounded by some type of poop whether it be human or animal.  Also, as a Mom you are so lucky to probably talk about poop several times a day from looking at poop, cleaning up poop, flushing poop, asking if someone pooped?, why does it smell like poop?, finding poop somewhere on you and by the grace of God you get to relax and poop in peace. Yes life is one big circle of Poop! Don't be mistaken by the "Circle of Life" but yes "Circle of Poop".

So today started like any old average Sunday and I was making my way to the coffee maker when I heard the familiar sounds of my kids discovering dog poop in the bathroom and squealing and screeching and exclaiming how gross it was and yelling for me to come quick. I roll my eyes and wonder how many times my kids need to see poop before they will not react this way. I make my way to the bathroom to find them looking at it and discussing how gross and how bad it smells and that maybe the dog stepped in part of it and what color it is and on and on. They could have already picked it up with toilet paper and flushed it by now, but no! Mom needs to see it and experience it and live it! I honestly think they feel they would be hurting my feelings by not letting me see it and pick it up. Then I tell them to get out of the bathroom as they take turns hopping over it and using the toilet for themselves and still exclaiming the whole time how gross it is! I manage to get them out and then the dog comes to inspect the situation and seems to look surprised that there is poop on the floor and looks at me as if I did it. I look back at him and ask him why he couldn't just eat his own poop once in awhile..yes people I did just say that. I am so sick of picking up poop and cleaning up poop..blah..blah...blah. So as I pick up the poop and flush it and grab some Lysol wipes to clean the floor my kids come back to make sure the deed is done. I ask them again "Why can't you guys pick it up once and awhile?" and they look at me with all seriousness and say "We know you like to do it?" As I stand there processing their words they continue "Yeah you are the Mom and you are Queen of the Poop!" I am still thinking about this and laugh out loud as they run away to play. My family actually truly believes I am the one in charge of poop and not only am I in charge of poop, but I love my role as Poop Queen and embrace it with such passion and enthusiasm. It all makes sense now!

So I move on with my day and my new title wondering if I might be getting a pay raise with this title or some sort of crown? Maybe I should be wearing some kind of badge or sash letting people know I am royalty. I thought about letting the guy know behind the deli counter and the guy pumping my gas today. This is huge news! This is not the kind of news that can be kept a secret. I bet there are Moms all over the world that don't even know they are part of a very special line of royalty. We should be having meetings and setting up rules, policies and procedures on how we will lead of our mighty kingdom of Poopland! Just when you think Motherhood could not get anymore rewarding your family pulls a secret like this out of the archives. It all makes sense now! I have such a renewed sense of fulfillment and purpose. I am walking a little taller today and there is a pep in my step and I have to say I am pretty excited. I want to shout from the rooftops and share my joy! I am Poop Queen!!

Not sure if there is an oath I should be taking, but I think it would go something like this...I Poop Queen...solemnly swear to wear my crown always with pride and dignity and promise to uphold the honor of Poop Queens everywhere..I promise to always flush every toilet I find with poop in it..I promise to run..not walk to every child's cry from the bathroom that they are ready to be wiped..I promise to pick up dog poop with a smile and twinkle in my eye..I promise to look over Poopland with a watchful eye and sniff out any poop that needs to be cleaned up and removed so nobody else ever be bothered by poop...I take my special skills very seriously and use them always for good and never for Evil!!!

I must go now my loyal subjects...I smell poop....

Until next time

Poop Queen

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