Thursday, March 29, 2012

This is Guest Reading! Not Sex Education!

Never a dull moment in the life of a Mother of the Year hopeful! So one of my most dreaded Motherly duties is guest reading in my kids classroooms. It honestly scares the crap out of me. I hate facing 18 - 22 kids staring at you and just waiting to pepper you with questions or just make random statements or tell you they already know the book you are going to read and don't like it! So my 4 year old daughter of course cannot make things any easier on me and my reading anxiety and chooses a book that will definitely raise eyebrows! I tried to get her to choose a cute princess book, or Angelina ballerina or one of her cute kitten books. That would be too easy. My daughter beats to her own drum for sure and she chose her "Egg" book. Sounds simple enough but it is a book on how Chickens lay eggs and how they form and show the formation start to finish and then goes on to all other animals that lay eggs and how they are fertilized and how the male animals come into play with the process. I honestly felt like I was going in to teach a LAMAO class! Learning About Myself And Others! Good Lord!

So it is reading day and I grab the "Egg" book but also throw in a cute kitten book just in case I can try a quick switch on my daughter. So I gather my composure and give myself a pep talk and tell myself they are just little kids, it will be fine. One last deep breath and I enter the class and my daughter comes running over all excited. She gives me a big hug and then looks down at the book in my hands and looks horrified! I already know that I am not getting away with the switch! She almost cries when I assure her that I have the 'Egg" book also in my purse. So I take a deep breath and get ready to enter my Mary Poppins on crack mode. I am not sure what happens to me when I am in my kids classrooms but my voice turns all sweet and high pitched and I have a plastered smile and I must look like one of those creepy Birthday clowns. The teacher announces my arrival and now all eyes are on me and the kids start to come towards me and circle me like a pack of wild animals tracking their dinner. My heart starts to race and I get my annoying nervous giggle going on and my hands start to sweat. I keep telling myself I can do this and I need to get my reading on and get the heck out of there!!!

So now I am sitting in the guest reader's rocking chair and the kids are all on the rug in front of me trying to each get as close as they can. The teacher and her assistants sit down also and everyone is now staring and waiting for me. I begin by asking the kids if they have ever been to a farm and have they ever seen a chicken? And I start to get the kids all talking and getting excited to raise their hands and tell me who has seen a chicken. I keep talking louder over them and trying to keep their attention as I begin the story of how an egg is made and how it comes out of the chicken and how it hatches. As I get to the third page of the book where they show a forming chicken inside the mother chicken and it looks like an Alien, the kids start to get wide eyed and some comment on how gross. I avoid the teachers looks because I know they are starting to think what I know I would be thinking, if this book was really appropriate for 3 and 4 year old kids? Oh well too turning back now. I keep going and then we reach the page where it shows the insides again and the egg coming out and it looks like a big egg coming out of a butt! And yes the kids now are getting louder and commenting on it looking like the chicken is pooping. I need to finish this book! I proceed onto how many farm animals lay eggs and how many birds, turtles, fish, snakes and on and on. Then I get to the point where the book talks about "Ovaries" and holding eggs and my daughter's teacher stands up and starts to say we are running out of time and stop me. My daughter looks upset and I decide I am not going to deal with her later at home for not finishing the book. I also stand up and continue as if I never heard the teacher. I read faster and turn pages faster as she tries to navigate her way to the front through the 18 kids on the rug and stop this madness of alien looking farm animal babies, pooping chickens, males fertilizing eggs and Ovaries!! I keep thinking am I going to be escorted out of the school and banned from guest reading and volunteering! Just as the teacher reaches me I finish! I look at the kids who have wide eyes and not sure what they were just read but I made it and my daughter is beaming and now I need to get out of there. The teacher is still looking at me confused not sure what to say as my Mary Poppins on crack character adds some pills and meth on top and I keep avoiding her eye contact and say goodbye to all the kids and Thank them for having me!! I hug my daughter, grab my coat and bolt! I practically run to my car and once safely inside start to laugh! I can just imagine little Bobby and Susie asking their parents tonight "What is an Ovary?" Yikes!

So if I can give any advice...I would say do not read books about pooping chickens and ovaries to a preschool class!!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Waking up to Niagara Falls!!! Oh My!!

As a Mom I take sleep very seriously! So when I climb into bed at night and dream of Mr.Sandman and his magic dust that will send me into a blissful dreamland...I am not asking for a dream of Niagara Falls that turns into a reality nightmare. But such is the life of a Mom! So as I am in such a deep sleep and so cozy in my bed, my dreams turned to something wet and then I am feeling wet! I wake up in a panic thinking I had one of those dreams that you got up to go the bathroom but really never did. I am trying to focus when out of the darkness of my room stands my 4 year old daughter at my side of the bed (of course! They forget at night that there is another side called Dad's side!) and she is touching my face trying to wake me and I realize her hands is wet and why is her hand wet? I am now awake and I sit up because I realize there can be only one reason her hand is wet and my brain screams "Pee!!!" My daughter is rubbing my face with Pee hands. Lovely! She sees that I am awake now and says "Mom I peed a little bit..I don't know what happened" I love how kids explain things. I start to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor and realize I am stepping on something wet now, I do not understand how her hand is wet and now my floor and rug are wet? I cannot see anything in my dark room so I ask my daughter "Where did you pee?" And she says "In my bed." And I again am trying to process how everything in my room is wet. I take her wet hand and lead her to her room to check things out and get her changed. The whole path back to her room is wet and then I am starting to take her sheets off when I realize a flood is running off her bed. Good Lord! I am still trying to figure out how my tiny 4 year old daughter could have peed Niagara Falls in her bed and then all the way down the hall and into my bedroom all over my rug.

I take a deep breath and decide to just pile everything wet on the bathroom floor and deal with it in the morning. I bring my daughter in the bathroom and have her try to pee one more time, before I bring her to my bed. She sits and starts to pee again for like 5 minutes. I am now thinking this girl must have a bladder the size of a pool and will end of up on the Discovery Channel with the show displaying rare unheard of conditions. I am so tried and my mission is to get back to sleep. I get my daughter clean clothes and start to wipe her clean and get her dry. We head to my bed and she climbs in the middle. I again am amazed by my husband's knack at sleeping through all night festivities and misses all the fun! I get in next to her and try to salvage some of the night and my sleep. I close my eyes and my daughter leans over to hug me and says "Mom your face smells like pee!" I think Great but I don't care, I know it is gross but I am so tired and I am not getting up to wash my face. She then says "Mom don't pee in your bed because I am tired and not moving again" I am like okay because I am the one who loves getting up in the middle of the night and being knee and face deep in pee! I say "Goodnight go to sleep"

I roll over to get one more dream in that does not involve anything wet and I think again how I love my life as a Mom and my new Spring fragrance of  Pee!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I am so Proud! That's my girl!

Having the title of Mom should also mean that nothing will shock you by now, but my kids love to still try! So the weather has been beautiful the last few days and we are having summer in March here in New England so that always means one thing....the dreaded Park! Yes the minute it is nice everyone and their kids go to the Park. Now I am not a fan of the Park as of I have mentioned before but it has been nice so we join the masses.

So we get to the Park last night and the kids take off running like animals that have been caged and were set free, and I think, well it is nice and my kids do not even want me, this could be a good thing. I am so silly when I have these thoughts of calm and bliss. So I notice a boy run over to my daughter all excited and they begin to play and I realize it is her friend from preschool so I look for his Mom to say Hello. I walk over to her to chat and relax as we keep an eye on the kids all running around. Then it happens!! I look over and my daughter is standing there with her skirt pulled up completely almost over her head showing her friend from preschool. I am standing there horrified and shocked as she catches my look and puts her skirt back down and runs off so I cannot get to her, because she knows that look and it is not good.  I love the conversations I have.."I am sorry my daughter exposed herself to your son.." (Glad these are taking place at 4 and not 16...I pray!) My friend laughed and said her son is always taking his clothes off, no problem. But I am still like it always seems to be my kid when it is a crowd and lots of people around and it is funny when it is not your kid. Great! So it is time to head back home and I have a chance to talk to my daughter in private and not make a scene.

So I start to explain to my daughter that she cannot lift up her skirt or shirt or dresses or anything when she is out in public because it is not right. So then my 7 year old son says "What is he your boyfriend??" And my daughter gets mad and says "No he is not, he is my friend that is a boy! And Mom I was showing him that I put little shorts on under my skirt so nobody could see my underwear when I climb up on things!" I again explain that she needs to keep her skirts down because her little shorts looked like underwear and it is not right in public. And my daughter continues "Mom I would never show my friends that are boys my underwear! I would only show my underwear if he was my boyfriend." I am thinking what the heck! This is not the Jersey Shore Show and where the heck is she getting these ideas. I again tell her "Friends or Boyfriends (when she is older) you do not lift up your skirt?" She then asks "Don't you show Daddy your underwear?" Good lord! I know I am so mature in these situations but I respond "No I do not show Daddy my underwear and keep your skirts down please!" She giggles and changes the subject.

I am back to not liking the Park....:)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sunshine Award!!!

How excited was I to find out I was nominated for my very first Award by the lovely, talented and awesome Just Another Tired Mommy!! She gave me the Sunshine even has a sweet name!! They love me..they really love me..okay seriously .. here I am to accept this Award and follow the directions that came with this Award!! So here I go..

1. Display Award Logo!!
2. Answer 10 Questions!
3. Nominate 10 -12 Fabulous Bloggers! Easy I have like 100 to much talent out there..:)
4. Link nominees to the post and comment on their blogs.
5. Share Love and Link back to the one who nominated you!

What is your Favorite Color?

Purple!! Love Everything Purple!!

What is your favorite animal?

Love all animals!! But favorite is dogs and I love Pugs..especially chunky Pugs..:)

What is your favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink?

Easy!!! Coffee...Lots of Coffee!! Hot Coffee!

Facebook or Twitter?

FACEBOOK....Hands Down!!

What is your Passion?

My Family...Love my family!!

What is your favorite Number?

I have always loved of my birthday!!!

What is your favorite Pattern?

I love stripes!

What is your favorite day of the week?

Friday!! TGIF!!! Love Friday and Friday nights are my favorite!!

What is favorite flower?

Daisy!! Love how sweet and simple they are...

To Give or Get Presents?

To GIVE..hands down...I am a giver!!!! Love to give!!!

Fabulous Bloggers I Nominate...So much Talent!!! People I stalk..they might not know...but I do....go check them out...Give Some Love!!!!

Funny Pregnant Lady

The Petite Young Blonde

Not Winning Mom of the Year

A Family Rearranged

Walking Between the Grapevines

Heathers Happenings

Clutter Cafe

Ironic Mom

Daddy Knows Less

Miss Banana Pants

Frugal Tasters

Okay...Go Get Em'......So Fun!!!! Woot Woot!!!!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Brace Yourself...You Have What We Call "Mom"!!

One of the requirements of being a Mom is to take care of everyone else including the pets before yourself. Okay so I am joking a bit, but this is what happens. Sad but true story! The only time we get 8 hours of sleep might be on Mother's Day once a year if we are lucky. Gone are the days of making it to get your hair done every 6- 8 weeks. When I put on moisturizer we are talking Spa Level Day for sure. And when is there time to fit in our doctor's appointments to make sure we are okay and the Dentist?? Forget about it. So while are kids are at every Doctor and Dentist appointment on time and dressed like kids of the Movie Stars, we look like strung out crack addicts from little to no sleep with bad roots. So whoever said "Kids keep you young!" Needs a punch in the face! Biggest lie going.

So I had hit a wall and was at the end of my rope. I just felt like what am I doing wrong? I used to pride myself on keeping it all together and now three kids later..not so much. I think Moms feel that they are suppose to always smile and say how blessed they are with great kids and a great life. And that life can get crazy but it is all good. I started to think these Moms have to be on something and a little blue pill must be behind that smile. Nobody can be a Mom and not be a little crazy! So I had reached a point where I would tell anyone who would listen that I felt like I was losing my mind and the kids were driving me insane! So my sister told me that there was nothing wrong with going to my doctor and looking into getting something to help with all my Mom stress. I used to also pride myself on Parenting with no Prescriptions or Phd, but desperate times called for desperate measures! So I called an made an appointment to see my doctor.

The day of my appointment I felt a bit of relief from the idea of getting some help. I was a little embarrassed but knew I had to do something. I was so stressed and felt like I was yelling at my kids all of the time lately and thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. As I sat in the waiting room I was talking to myself in my head and was telling myself not to back down and I needed to be brutally honest about how stressed I felt. Then I had a flash for a moment and was wondering what if he thinks I am so bad he wants to admit me for an evaluation, and I have heard that they can keep people for up to 48 hours. I actually started to get a little excited at the idea of being sent away for 48 hours, I might be locked up in isolation but what Mom looks at that as a punishment. So as the nurse called me in, I was thinking about my husband getting the call that his wife might be crazy (and he would probably be like tell me something I don't know:)) and needs to be evaluated.  I was ready! I can do this! So my doctor comes in and sits down and starts with the usual "So what seems to be the problem? What brought you in here today?" And I couldn't help myself it just came flying out my mouth "I think I am crazy! I think I am losing my mind!" I even startled myself but there was no stopping me now, the flood gates were open and I kept talking "I feel like my heart is racing even when I lay down at night, my hands feel numb, I cry for no reason at random times, I lock myself in the bathroom to get away from my kids, I yell all the time lately, I feel so overwhelmed, I cannot concentrate at work, I feel like I am breathing heavy all the time and I cannot remember anything at all lately..." And then I just started to cry and my doctor stood up with my chart in his hand and came over to put his hand on my shoulder. I started to compose myself and calm down thinking "Now I have really done it! I will be locked up for sure! No turning back now." He had me take a couple of deep breaths and checked my heart rate. He then sat down in front of me and started to laugh. I was shocked! Why is he laughing? What is going on? He then said "There is nothing wrong with you. You are a MOM with three kids and work full time. This is all normal. You are perfectly fine! You are just fine, you have what we medical professionals call "Being a Mom" You might want to work out more or take some yoga classes to help release stress but all is good!" I was still in shock. Was I not clear enough? Did I not look desperate enough? He gave me a pat on the back as I left as if to say "Go get em Girl you got this..get back out there!!" 

I walked to my car totally disappointed, no little blue pills were coming my way anytime soon. As I sat in my car ready to go home I started to laugh out loud and could not stop. What a lunatic I must have looked like! And the words kept playing in my head.."Your fine! Your a MOM!!" I drove home thinking I would look into some yoga classes. I will try anything at this point because I guess there is no cure for being a "Mom".

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just call me Goldie Hawn and I have gone Overboard!

There are times as a Mom that you honestly feel like you are going to crack and really lose it! I often wonder if my husband or kids will find me sitting in a corner drooling and talking gibberish. There is only so much a Mom can take before she is sent to a point of no return. My point was yesterday morning when I was in the midst of total and utter chaos. There are never any real warning signs of these mornings but when they out! So I wake to start my normal routine of madness not knowing it was going to be kicked up to a "Code Red" kind of morning. (I do honestly think red flashing lights are going to start going off in my house on these such days with a loud voice announcing Code Red!! Code Red!!) So I do not even make it to the top of the stairs before my oldest comes out of his room and announces he needs $15 cash this morning for a Basketball Tournament he entered. Okay I do not have $15 on me and as I start to process this as I head downstairs my blind diabetic dog is having a fit and needs to go out, so I let him out. (Might not remember to let him in again) So I decide I need to run up the street to get money from the ATM so I run outside and discover my car is frozen and covered with snow from the latest snow storm. I pour hot water on the door to pry it open and start the car to try and warm it up. I run back inside to find my other two maniacs up and asking for breakfast and talking about school and their lunches and then start to ask a million questions. My oldest comes down and says he is going to be late, I tell him to watch the other two because I have to run and get his cash. I get in my car that is still covered in snow and make my way to the ATM barely with limited visibility because there was no time to brush off car and get it clean. I make my way back and run in triumphant with money in hand and my son announces that his ride left because I was not back and I now needed to drive him to the High School. Great! Now my time is already set back and I am so behind. I tell the other two I will be back in 5 minutes. As we run back out of the house he tells me the milk was bad in his cereal and not to use it..another Great! As I think of what to give the kids for breakfast. I drop him off and run back home to figure out breakfast with no milk for cereal and decide to make pancakes, as I open the pancake mix I drop it and white powder goes all over my kitchen and it looked like a winter wonderland. I am about ready to snap at this point. Then as I try to clean and salvage some pancake mix to squeak out 2 pancakes and feed the kids my son asks where Taz the dog is and I panic!! I never let him back in. I have flashes of him being lost or hit by a car...I throw on boots and race outside to find my blind dog in the snow. My two little ones follow me out the door crying that their dog is lost and how could I forget about him. Good Lord!! Not sure how I could possibly forget anything in my calm , tranquil life. I search and search realizing I am never going to make it time to get my son on the bus and drop my daughter at preschool and get to work for a meeting. I am cursing my blind dog in my head and finally we find him in snow bank cold and scared. I carry his morbidly obese body home through the snow with two happy kids. Back home I start the pancake process again and as I am flipping pancakes I start school lunches and snacks. I throw the pancakes at my kids and tell them to eat quick as I grab clothes for them to put on..all the time saying "Hurry up, let's quick..come on..brush your teeth..get your backpack.." Then I go back to the lunches, pancake mix still covering my counters and peanut butter and bread flying everywhere as my son starts telling me he is going to miss his bus. I tell him to open the front door and flag the bus to stop as I literally threw things in a bag and tossed him his lunch out the door! As I turned to run back in and get myself dressed I looked around at the disaster I call my house and sat down and started to laugh. (More like a crazy laugh instead of a humor laugh) All I could think of was Goldie Hawn in the Movie Overboard with Kurt Russell. The scene where she wakes up and is trying to get the kids ready for school and make lunches and she is putting M&M's in the peanut butter sandwiches and throws everything in a bag not even wrapped up and she does not know the kids names and is like "I do not think I belong here" That is how I felt yesterday and I actually wondered if maybe I was not meant to be going through this madness and maybe there was a yacht waiting for me somewhere and this was all a dream or maybe I had lost my memory. I think many Moms must feel most days that they do not belong in their crazy houses and maybe this is really not happening! And then the kids find her in the corner drooling and talking gibberish and they tell their Dad (Kurt Russell) and picks her up and dumps her in a cold bath to snap her out of it.  So as I continue to run around like a mad woman I continued to laugh and think.."Maybe I will be thrown in an ice bath when my family finds me in the corner drooling and babbling" Because it is only a matter of time and I am not Goldie Hawn and I checked that morning to make sure my husband was not Kurt Russell while he slept in bed. Okay back to the grind..not sure that yacht is out there waiting for me!!