Thursday, November 8, 2012

I know the Stork did not bring that baby!!

I remember growing up and all my cartoons would show a 1950's looking couple waiting for their baby to arrive and a stork would come flying in and drop a baby in a basket at the front door or fly in the bedroom window and leave the baby in the crib. Then the couple would all of a sudden hear the cries of their baby and run to the door or bedroom and gasp with joy. Reality check! As I grew up and found out the reality of where babies came from....I wish the Stork was real! So 3 kids later I am pretty sure I got the system down. I laughed when I found out I was pregnant with our last one because my husband was like.."The minute we get a kid out of our bed (my son was sleeping in our bed every night and finally we got him in his own bed) you get pregnant!"  I always felt that having kids with horrible sleep habits was the best birth control ever!! So now as our youngest wakes up every night and hops in bed between us, my husband really does not complain much!

 I am at my daughter's school the other day volunteering and there was another woman there who was clearly very pregnant. During our conversation it came up that she had twins at home and as my brain is processing the fact that she has a child at the school in Kindergarten, twins that are 18 months and ready to deliver another one she throws in the fact that there still is also a 3 year old in the mix. I am totally in shock and of course need to ask a million nosy questions. I am all for kids and family life because I am also the mother of 3 kids, but I have some age gaps between them and the 3rd was our OMG surprise child, and we then were like we got it and are well aware of where babies come from and I don't care if the birth control or surgeries out there say 99.9% effective :) So I get back to my conversation and have it all lined up that this woman has a 5 year old, 3 year old, 18 month old twins...TWINS and one coming any day. I know this is very exciting to some people and she seemed really happy, but it took all my strength not to ask the really important question!! I wanted to ask, so are all these babies the result of having sex with your husband or does the Stork really exist!! Good lord...I wanted to tell this woman not to ever talk to my husband because I finally have him convinced that no couples out there with multiple kids are having sex regularly:) I do not need my cover blown for cripes sake. As I ended my volunteer session and wished the woman luck I felt like I should be handing her an award or something.

As I drove home I could not help thinking again how a couple with that many young kids find time to have more if you know what I mean. I have kids and I know how crazy my household is and I am finally out of the baby and toddler stage all together and I still want to collapse in bed every night and sleep...just sleep! I still cannot even pee or shower without a kid or dog opening the door, let alone staging time for a romantic interlude. So I picture this woman with a 4 year old and 2 year old at the time and like 10 month old twins doing baths and tending to melt downs and cleaning up from dinner and getting them all asleep at a decent hour and then walking into her room tired and still covered in food wiped on her from her kids dinner and saying "Man I really feel in the Mood!"  I laughed to myself as I thought of how I would tell my husband that it really takes almost a year for a woman to fully recover from having a baby and I would find articles to support this logic. That's my story and I am sticking to it!

If you see any Storks flying around let me know!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Playdate at the House of Horrors!!

So my daughter is navigating her way through the mean streets of Kindergarten these days and hoping to make some friends along the way. I ask her each night at dinner who she has been sitting next to and who she talks to at the lunch table and who she runs around with at recess. The normal annoying Mom questions to try and investigate what is going on during the day. I am stopped by my oldest who is a Senior in High school and gives me the look like I already ruined his life and he tells me to lay off his little sister. He tells me, "Mom she is fine..let her just have fun." So I take the advice of the teenager and stop with my questions when my daughter says, "Oh I forgot to tell you Mom that I invited my friend over to meet Lady and play with her." I am still processing what she said and she continues, "I told her to have her Mom call you." And as she skips away all excited I am standing there thinking...great...just great!

So you might ask who Lady is? Good question. Lady is my daughters pet Ladybug. And one small detail is that Lady also happens to be Dead and has been for a long time. I am not sure how she is not dust by now but she is holding on strong. My daughter keeps her in a special ladybug jewlry box when she is not playing with her. I know this is all very normal..doesn't everyone have dead bugs for pets? So now my daughter is all excited to have her new friend over to meet Lady and spend an afternoon playing with her. And I can see me trying to explain to her mother who Lady is. She is probably thinking Lady is a cute dog or cat or perhaps even a cute hamster..but no..

I actually start to think of how I can make Lady look not so "Dead" and maybe put her on a piece of fresh lettuce and also maybe freshen up her red and black dots with markers (yes I did think this) and I am sure I can pull this over on my daughters friend and explain she is sleeping. It will all be good. Then I can just imagine when the mother comes to pick her daughter up and they want to show her Lady. I cannot wait...I can only imagine the look on her face and thinking what goes on in this house. She probably wonders what other dead things we keep around the house and that our basement probably has jars filled with all kinds of dead animals on shelves. Then we will get the polite frozen smile as she rushes her daughter out of the house and will break out the hand sanitizer once in the car. And I doubt we will be getting another call for playdates!

So it is early in the year and I can only hope that my daughter finds some friends with cool parents that don't mind letting their kids hang out in a House of Horrors and play with dead bugs! All the cool kids have dead pets!

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Saturday, July 28, 2012

What did I sign up for?

I walk in and look around trying not to show how nervous I am, but it is my first time and I have no idea what to expect. I am not sure if I can do this and wonder if I can sneak out. The music starts and I am given instruction on how to start moving. It feels okay at first but we are just getting started. The positions get harder to do and I am not sure I am cut out for this. My heart is pumping faster and I am covered in sweat.

We move to the floor and I am trying to relax as instructed, but it is starting to hurt. I am told "Lift your bottom off the floor and swing your hips left to right, you should start to feel it in your inner thighs..Do you feel it in your inner thigh? Does it hurt?" Okay by now I am lying on the ground and start to laugh because I am thinking how dirty this sounds and feels. Let me clarify that I am not auditioning for a Porn movie, but it is my first night a Boot Camp class!

If anyone was listening outside the studio the rumors would be flying with all the music, moaning, groaning and heavy breathing. My life is so glamorous!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

50 Shades of Ken and Barbie...

So my daughter turned 5 this week and she was very excited to open her gifts! She talked all week about what she was getting and asked everyone in the family what they were getting her. She wanted more then anything to get the Wedding Day Barbie set! All her hopes and dreams at 5 would be complete if she could get that set! She talked about that set for weeks! This was not just any Barbie set you know..this had the whole wedding party including Ken, Barbie, flower girls, rings, wedding cake, presents and Barbie's wedding gown. Can you feel the absolute pure excitement of a 5 year old in absolute awe of the possibility of holding a dream in her hands! It was time to open gifts and her eyes were wide with excitement and when she got to "THE GIFT" she let out a shout of excitement and hugged the box tight. Life is Good and turning 5 is fabulous. It was hard to keep her focused to finish her party and Thank everyone before I let her open every box and pull out all her new toys and begin her play marathon.

It was a great day and everyone left so I opened all her new toys and let her play while I cleaned up and put everything away. When I left her she had the Wedding set all out and lined up and she was slipping off into her princess fantasy world and Barbie was getting married! It was really sweet how happy she was. 

Half hour later....I walk in to check on her and I felt like I was walking onto the set of a Porno movie and my daughter was the Director! By now the wedding party all had their clothes off and she was holding Ken who was all in his plastic naked glory and she was having him hug Barbie all in her hot plastic nakedness! Ken then put his hand on Barbie's butt cheeks and pulled her in close for their first dance as a married couple. I stood there for a few to see what else would happen..praying no more then dancing would be going on! Then I heard my daughter construct her pretend conversation between went like this.

Ken: Barbie you look great!

Barbie: Thanks Ken, so do you.

Ken: I love you!

Barbie: I love you to, but should we be doing this?

Ken: We are married now..we can do whatever we want.

Barbie: giggle...giggle..Ken you are so funny!

(The conversation continued..)

I kept standing there wondering if I should be horrified or start laughing. I felt like I was watching Mattel's version of 50 Shades of Grey and thinking about a Christian Grey Ken doll and an Anastasia Steele Barbie doll. I wonder if Barbie will sign a contract and what will be her safe words? Barbie Mansion? or maybe Plastic? Good lord! I return to the pretend conversation still going on..

Ken: It has been a long day..we should get ready for bed.(My heart stops for a second)

Barbie: Let me get my nightgown on (Makes dance naked but get dressed for bed? what a whore ..:)
Ken: I will meet you in the bedroom..(and he walks away with his hard plastic butt shining in the moonlight)

And before she can join him I put a stop to this reaching 50 shades if you know what I mean. I alert my daughter of my presence and tell her it is time for her to take a bath. She is disappointed but tells her dolls she will play with them tomorrow and goes running off. I start to walk away and go back get Ken and Barbie dressed again in their wedding clothes. I don't need anymore Plastic Porn going on...

Friday, July 6, 2012

From the Paw not the Jaw Part 2...A Dog's Eye View

Hello everyone it is me Taz, you know the blind overweight Pug and my owner is the woman trying to  achieve Mother of the Year status..yeah right. Well I don't have much time on here, but I told you I would be back to finish my story. If you need to get caught up you can go and check out Part 1, but if not let's get started. Again you need to bare with me because I am not the best with keyboards and typing and oh yeah I am blind.
 So if you are up to speed you know that I am morbidly obese and have uncontrolled Diabetes and I am overdue on most of my shots. I won't bore you with the details again. I wanted to share with you before but couldn't with the MOTY blogger standing over my shoulder, that there use to be two of us. Yes, I had a sister, Karma Lou Belle. We were together for 10 years and she was my best friend! Life was always better when I had her to help deal with the "Gremlins". I will be honest that she was not in the best of health either and the two of us did not age gracefully, but I loved her! Then came that fateful day when we thought it was just another crazy day at the asylum, I mean house. It happened so fast, but before I knew it the youngest Gremlin AKA "The Beast" was standing at the top of the stairs with a big football in her hands. Then she hurled it down the stairs. I remember darting out of the way, but Karma was not fast enough and the football hit her in the head and she dropped to the ground. I was in shock as I watched the family surround her and before I knew it they were out the door bringing her to the vet. Well it turns out that Karma had a brain tumor and the blow to the head was just a freak accident that made it worse, but she would have gotten worse regardless. Needless to say I always keep one eye open when the youngest Gremlin is around and I am not sure I really believe the whole story. I do find amusement in her brothers telling people that she killed the family dog and she freaks out every time and says it is not true and that she was sick. I picture her older brothers toasting her on her wedding day and telling the story of the day she killed their dog with a football, classic. I miss my sister but since it has only been me I do get all of the attention and it is not all bad. And when I say attention, I mean I do get fed most days on time and I only have to seek water from other sources occasionally.
There is also amusement in the fact that my Mom..The Blogger..had a warrant out on her because she did not license me. I chuckled over that one. My Dad is a police officer and he called her to tell her she had a warrant out and she needed to get me licensed ASAP! Well my Mom could not get me licensed because she had not had me vaccinated and had no proof of rabies. So that meant a trip to the vet and a full work up on me and then listening to my mom explain to everyone that she needed to me updated so she could not have a warrant out on her. Really nice! And she wonders why she is not getting nominated for Mother of the Year?? Really?? Warrants?? Dead dogs by Footballs?? Do I need to go on..sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer!  Oh no I hear her coming..gotta go..

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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Class Frog turns into Weekend at Bernie's!

So it is official, school is out and summer is here! I am so excited! (insert sarcasm here) And to add to the pure excitement my 7 year old son won the class frog again this year! Yeah! Not so might ask "What do you mean again?" Well that would be a funny story..we were so blessed to win the class frog last year and that turned out so well we thought let's do it again! Okay that is a total lie..last year the class frog made it about 5 hours in our house and then died and my son was so upset and still has not forgotten the trauma and decided we try it again. So I gave in after he begged and begged and I thought what are the chances that his name will be picked out of 22 kids and only 2 frogs. Well those odds would have been good but then I find out the other parents did not cave to the begging and only 3 names were put in for 2 frogs and my son was the lucky winner!! And so it begins again....and the last 2 days my kids have watched Patrick the frog like hawks and every 2 minutes come and tell me he is dead and not moving. I have to move the tank and disturb the poor thing for the 100th time so he will move and they relax. We are doing better making it longer then 5 hours but this poor frog is going to die of a heart attack or stress attack for sure and don't forget who he is living 4 year old daughter! Yeah this frog has no chance.

So let's rewind and go back to where it all began last year...where all the magic and memories were formed..okay where all the nightmares began....

My sweet 6 year old boy came home with a form to sign to have his name put in to win one of the class frogs and he was so excited! I thought how hard could a frog be and what is the harm in putting his name in the raffle. What are the chances he will win? Okay he is one lucky kid for sure and I should have him start picking my lottery numbers. He came home to announce he was a winner!! So the preparations began and the kids were beyond excited. I reviewed the paper on how to care for a frog. I called my friend who had one and I borrowed a tank and I went to the pet store to get crickets and we collected rocks for the tank and we prepared the water so it was room temperature. We were good to go! What could go wrong? It was the day of school and we went to pick up our newest family member and bring him home. The kids were so excited and the frog who they named "Appetite" was so full of life and jumped all over his tank like a maniac! So our family was expanding and the summer was here! Good times. The kids later said goodnight to Appetite and told him they would see him in the morning. So I was up before everyone and grabbed a cup of coffee and went to feed Appetite when there he was on a rock sprawled out. I thought frogs sleep weird but oh well and put a cricket in his tank.  My son woke up and ran down to see his new friend and asked if he was still sleeping and then it hit me..Maybe he is not sleeping. I walk in and find Appetite exactly as I had found him and then I knew. The poor thing did not even make one night in our house! I am a frog killer..add it to the list of Mom guilt. My son started to look worried but I did not want his last day of school ruined so I told him to let the frog rest and he can see him when he gets home. He seemed to believe he was a deep sleeper and left him alone to have breakfast and go to school. I thought I would tell him after school and we could bury poor Appetite.

No sooner did he get on the bus then my 3 year old daughter comes up behind me and states "Appetite is so cute and friendly" And as I turn I am horrified to see her holding him and snuggling his stiff dead body up to her cheek. I was so grossed out but tried to remain calm and told her to put him back because she might hurt him and he needs his home. Then I washed her hands and face almost scrubbing her skin off. I told her to stay away from Appetite until her brother came home. We went out to do errands later and as I am driving my daughter tells me "I love Appetite he is so cute." And I tell her I know and he is a good little guy and she keeps talking about him as a stop at a red light and turn to smile at her and I almost died when I saw that she had brought Appetite with us and had packed him in her little purse and had taken him out and was holding him. I was in shock that my daughter was carrying around a frog corpse like we were shooting a scene for Weekend at Bernie's. I was like "What are you doing??" and she says "He wanted to come with us" I was wondering what disease she was going to get from handling a dead frog and how is this happening. I tried to remain calm and told her to put him back in her purse so he did not get hurt. So we went shopping with a dead frog because that is what normal people do. And yes people you can judge but there are times you just give up fighting the fight. So we get home and I put frog corpse back in his tank and wait for my son to get home.

My son comes home and I have to sit him down to deliver the news. He was so upset and cried and cried and I held him and consoled him. He asked if we could have a funeral and I said of course. My daughter comes in to see what all the fuss is and I tell her the news also. She is still eating her chicken nuggets and says "You can bury him in my chicken nugget box." And so we did. Poor Appetite had a short life but he was buried in style.

So fast forward...Patrick the frog is home with us and has made it 48 hours and counting...He is doing better then Appetite but if he too does not make it my daughter might have plans to take him to the beach!

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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Say Yes to the Dress!!

My 4 year old daughter is in the "Princess" stage and everything seems fascinating about being a princess, looking like a princess and dressing like a princess. So with those ideas fresh in her mind she asked me where my princess dress was the other night. I was a little confused by this question and told her I did not have a princess dress, but her response was.."Mom of course you have a princess dress!! The day you married Daddy...duh..." And as I listen to her I start to laugh and say.."Do you mean my wedding dress?" and she says.."Yes, where is it?" I thought this would be an easy one to deal with and so I answered.."It is in the basement in the cedar closet" Her eyes became wide with excitement and the amazement that this "Magical" dress actually existed and was in the house! Now I was in trouble for sure because this will not go away easily. And I knew what was coming next as she jumped up and down with sheer glee.."Can I see it??" And at this point it was past bed time and I was in no mood so I answered.."Maybe this weekend I will bring it out and show you, but not right now it is bed time." But no...not happening..not a chance this was ending. So I will spare you the details (and I am well aware I am the adult and I am in charge. and I can say no..blah blah blah..) but some how after much negotiating and me just wanting my head on my pillow, my wedding dress was upstairs and now hanging in my closet inside the protective dress bag it had been placed in years ago. My daughter went to sleep with a smile on her face and with the image of the "Magical" dress close by. I knew I was in trouble but I went to sleep hoping for the best.

The next morning only brought more excitement and more begging and more negotiating. I had to get ready for work and a training I was giving that morning so I let her unzip the bag and look at my Princess dress and play with the veil and gloves. She was in Princess Heaven and it was cute to see her so excited picturing her Mommy and Daddy getting married, again what was the harm? I should know better by now that nothing is easy with my daughter and if I give an inch she wants a mile! So I am running through my morning routine and things are pretty smooth and maybe I will be on time for once. I run upstairs to get dressed and head out to work. I enter my closet to find my 4 year old waiting for me with a devilish grin and she says "Mom just put on your Princess dress quick before you leave!" And I look at her with horror and say "I do not have time right now, I have to get to work and I told you I would show you but not that I was putting it on, you can look at our wedding album with Daddy while I am at work." But that was not going to fly at all..she shut the closet door and continued, "Please put it on..really will take 5 minutes then you can go to work...promise...promise..promise.." Good lord!! I was so irritated by now and going to be of course I did the most logical thing....wait for it....I put on my wedding dress. Just another normal day in my life!

So I put on my wedding dress as my daughter watched and asked a million questions about my wedding day. She helped me with my veil, gloves, shoes and of course the little jacket I had to go with my dress. I have to admit it was really fun thinking about the day I did get ready and seeing my daughter's face watching me. And so the questions continued.."Mom you do not have a bra on? Did Dad know you were not wearing a bra when you married him?" I did not have time to answer her questions because she opened the closet door and took off. So I stood there in my wedding dress (My Princess Dress) as my husband looked at me like I had lost my mind (has he met me yet? of course I have lost my mind!) he then asked me "Don't you have to work and I thought you had a training to be at?" I told him "Yes I have to be at work and I will have to tell my boss I was late because I was trying on my wedding dress!" He just shook his head as our daughter came running back in with my iPhone and started to take pictures of me and asked me to pose and walk around.  She then said "Daddy doesn't Mommy look beautiful? Can you believe she still fits in her wedding dress!" And with that my husband started laughing and said.."I would hope she still fit in her wedding dress!" (Okay it did fit great! Did I mention I was 5 months pregnant with her brother when we got married...details..details..I looked great!!) So I had to take off the dress and get to work. And yes I was late!

I had to say Yes to the dress and give my daughter some real life Princess magic!!!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

There is no Mommy Manual for this...

I have been quiet and at a loss for words the last few days. I feel that I need to write this blog and maybe I will not post and maybe I will delete at the end but I feel I need to talk about this. It is a very serious subject and out of my comfort zone but as a Mom nobody said it would be easy raising kids. I do not feel right posting my funny blogs at this time. So I write what is in my heart at this time.

There is definitely no Mommy manual or chapter in the What to Expect?? that tells you how to prepare for this. And if there was, it would still not help and you would still not be prepared.

I was walking my 40 mile Avon Breast Cancer walk last weekend and I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I was on my second day and was 30 miles into the 40 miles and working on limited sleep from the last 2 days when I received the news. I had stopped at one of the rest stops to regroup and I checked my phone to see if my home had called or sent any messages... when I saw a message from a friend to call marked urgent. I sat down and called her before I continued my walk. That is when I found out that one of my son's friends and teammate had tragically passed away that morning and she wanted me to know so I could tell him before the word spread. I was still sitting down on the grass in shock with tears streaming down my face with a million thoughts racing through my head. The first thought was his mother and as I pictured her hearing the news it became harder to breathe. I wanted to be home so bad and I did not want to finish the 10 miles I had ahead of me.

 I called my husband and woke him to tell him and let him know that my next call was to my son. My husband said he would walk down the hall and wake him to tell him, but I was insistent that it was going to be me. I almost became angry and protective like a wild animal protecting her cub. My brain was screaming he needs his Mom to tell him. I knew it would not be easy but I wanted to carry that burden as his mother. I told my husband to hug my other son and daughter and tell them how much I love them and I would be home as soon as I could. I called my oldest son and woke him from his teenage weekend slumber and I began slowly "Sorry to wake you but I have something to tell you.." and he said "What is it Mom?" I continued with "I hate to have to tell you this, but I wanted you to hear it from me first." and he was fully awake now asking "Mom what is it? You are scaring me.." and so I said it.."Your "friend" passed away this morning" and I explained how. There was silence for a few seconds and he asked with his voice shaking.."Is this for real?" And I said, "Yes it is real, I wish it was not, but it is true" and then I could hear the panic rise in his voice "Why? Why would he do that? Oh My God! Oh My God!" I gave him some time before I spoke.."Again I wanted you to hear it from me, I love you so much and I will be home later. Call me if you need me and I am so sorry!" He told me he loved me and we hung up. I still stayed sitting on the ground crying as people walked by assuming I was in pain from the walk and blisters. I wanted to be there more then anything to hug my son and hold him like I did when he was little. It broke my heart to hear my son's voice cracking and shaking from trying to hold back the river of emotions that I knew was rising and about to spill over into tears. The kind of tears that have not come in some time and do not come often anymore at  the age of 16 in his teenage years. I pictured my son who looks like a man, but still is a little boy inside with a little boy brain and little boy heart breaking. I stood up to pull myself together and finish my walk. I sent my son a text "I love you!!" and he sent one back "I know you do Mom.. Thank you..I love you too!"

I kept walking and thinking of how as Mothers we vow to protect our kids from harm and when our kids hurt we want to take that pain from them. I remember after the birth of each of my three kids when I was finally sitting alone holding them in my arms. I would lean in and whisper in their tiny ears as they slept that I would never let anything or anyone hurt them...ever!! And I meant ever!! I know it seems impossible to make that happen as a Mother, but we Mothers mean it with every fiber in our bodies. I know their pain because it fills me up to the point where my heart honestly aches and I have the choked up feeling in my throat and it hurts to breathe and the tears sit in the back of my eyes ready to spill out...every time one of my children are sick or sad or hurting for any reason..Mothers feel that pain. So as I finished my walk it was harder and harder to breathe. There was a lump in my throat that made it hard to swallow and my heart hurt. I found out later that as I walked and as the pain grew my son and his friends were getting together to comfort one another and talk and hug each other and cry for their lost friend. Once I gave the news to my son he contacted his friends and they met for breakfast and needed to be together. They just needed to be together. I knew without a doubt that day and the days to come that it is not just a saying that Moms hurt when their kids hurt, because I have never felt such deep pain and sorrow.

I watched my son and his football teammates gather this week and give true meaning to the word "Team". They never left each others sides. They never judged each other for crying and for needing hugs or just needing to talk. They were mature beyond their years to handle this situation and sorrow.  They made me proud beyond words to watch them march in as a team side by side in their jerseys to say goodbye to their friend and teammate. And words can never describe them each offering their words and comfort to a grieving mother and hugging her as if she was their own Mother.

It has been a sad week and I just keep hugging my son and telling him I love him. I told my son not be alarmed if he wakes up in the middle of the night and finds me sitting in the dark watching him sleep, because that is what I have been doing this week. I wake up and need to check on all my kids and be Thankful they are sleeping in their beds.

So this week reminded me as a Mother to not sweat the small really does not matter and you can never hug your kids enough!!!

Monday, May 7, 2012

What Would you Do??

One of my favorite shows is Dateline "What Would you Do?" with John Quinones. My favorite part is when the people are confronted by John and his crew after they basically decide to stand by and not help a person who needs it. And the show makes some of these scenarios so over the top that how could anyone not stop and help?  People just look in horror but keep on walking. So John walks up to the people and says "Why did you not want to help that child? Did you not think that woman was in danger? Why did you keep walking?"  And the people always say they did not think it was their place or their business to get involved. I always think to myself that I would be mortified if I had a camera crew watching me not help someone and then approach me and have it on National TV, I have enough "Mommy Guilt" I do not need anymore guilt! So I am always ready to react and jump in to help so I am the hero on "What Would you Do?" You never know!

So where is the number one place I always think John Quinones and his crew are waiting and lurking? My most dreaded place!! The Park! This is the land of OPK's (Other Peoples Kids) running around with little to no supervision half the time. I cannot tell most times which kid belongs with which adult and they always seem to find me and think I am willing and able to play with all of them .Most of these parents think going to the Park means they can sit and relax and let their children run wild inside a fenced in area. Some parents even sit in their car and watch from there if the kids are a little older. So the other day was no different. It was finally nice out and the sun was shining so I took the kids to the park against my better judgement to let them run around. Of course I am not even there five minutes before the OPK's find me and are latched on. I am helping my 4 year old daughter with the monkey bars when I then have 3 other kids waiting in line for me to also help them. I always look around to see where their parents might be because I always feel weird picking up kids I don't know. Some parents might not want me to be helping their kids. I always try to avoid them and tell them I need to chase after my 4 year old. Or I suggest to them to go ask their parents to help them. Sometimes that will work but most times they keep following me.

This afternoon there was the sweetest, tiniest little girl following me and she wanted to play with my daughter. I kept looking for her mother, father, grandparent or babysitter. Anyone? I could not understand how this little girl could have nobody with her. I keep looking around as she is glued to us and I think this could be it, this could be my shining moment! I might be on 'What would you do?" First I am horrified of what I look like and that I could be on TV looking like this (I know I am crazy) but I just stay focused. I keep talking to the little girl and making sure she is safe as she climbs up on everything following my daughter. Then another little girl approaches and tells me that is her sister, and I think this is getting even better..and I go with it as she tells me her story.."That is my sister and she is 3 years old and I am 5 years old" and then she points to another girl and says "That is our friend and she is 7 and she came with us." As I listen to her I finally have to ask "Who are you here with? Your Mom or Dad?" And the girl answers "My Mom, she is over there in the parking lot with her friend." And I look in the direction she pointed and see a woman standing next to a truck smoking and talking with someone inside the truck.

 I have now been at the park for almost a half hour and have not seen this woman once and she has not left the parking lot to check on her kids or even better the other girl she brought with her. I am not in the running for Mother of the Year, but I am shocked this woman does not even care to watch her little girls. I remind myself that this has to be a set up and they are making sure that it is as over the top as possible to see how people would react. So I start to think about what I should do. The girls continue to ask me to help them on the monkey bars and the swings and ask me to chase them and play tag. I cannot believe this mother has not even taken the time to look over her shoulder once to check on her girls. She keeps on smoking and talking. Now it is almost time for me to leave but I cannot leave these girls alone because their mother is not watching them at all. I need to make sure they are safe and I need to get ready for John Quinones and his crew to approach me and tell me how nice it was for me to take care of these girls and make sure they were safe and then introduce me to the "Mother" who really is an actress and all is good! Okay not so much. 

I finally have to tell the girls we need to leave and I decide to walk the girls over to their mother and let her know that we were leaving and they had been playing with my daughter. I think this will let the woman know that she now needs to remember she has 3 little girls with her and pay attention. I approach the woman with her girls and they run up to her and tell her how much fun they have had playing with me and my daughter. She looks at me and says "Thanks for watching them, I am so tired and have had the worst week and needed a break." I am standing in shock for a few seconds with a plastered smile on my face as she tells the girls to get in their car next to the truck because it was time to leave. I say goodbye to the girls and as I walk away no camera crews were coming out of the bushes that day. I get my kids in the car still in shock that this mother just brings her kids to the park so she can get a break like it is a drop of day care center and some other parent will watch her kids. Good lord!

I was not on "What Would you Do?" that day, but I am ready for when it does happen!

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Monday, April 30, 2012

This Girl Does not Need a Truth Serum!

One would think a trip to the Dentist could be accomplished without any major problems...right? Let me start again. Bringing all three of my children (that would include my 4 year old daughter AKA The Beast) and myself  early in the morning before school and work to all get our teeth cleaned. What was I thinking when I made that appointment? It felt like I was on an episode of "Survivor" just getting everyone up, dressed and out of the house by 7:00am. (And my daughter was already plotting against me!) So we arrive, barely, and I get the looks like you are late and we are the first appointments of the day and they are all waiting for us (Great more Guilt). There is not a second to breath as we are all being moved to our spots out back and the craziness begins. They take my older son on his own and then set up my other two younger ones in chairs next to me so we are all close by. I know their thinking is I can be close by to help or so they don't get scared but good lord let the fun begin.
For whatever reason if you give my daughter a chair of any kind to sit in, it turns instantly into a Therapy couch for her and it becomes her time to really let loose and unload everything off her chest that is weighing heavy on her 4 year old mind. So if she is at the salon getting her hair cut, or if I take her to get her nails done, or when she sits next to her brother at the Barber Shop, sitting at the Pediatrician's office and especially at the Dentist's office relaxing in that big long chair that they recline back. My daughter does not need any encouragement to open up and talk, she has that talent down pat! She could win an Olympic Gold medal if talking was a sport.  I cringe whenever she is sitting in a chair and it is like her instant Truth Serum and then it begins..The Questions. "How old are you? Are you in school? I Love your beautiful hair with all the curls.." I brace myself for my daughter to get started and the flood gates open and there is no coming back.

The worst part for me at the Dentist is I am laying helpless in the chair next to her with my mouth open and a suction and all the tools going in and out and I have no chance to stop her. All I can do is sit, listen, cringe and feel my face turn three shades of red. My daughter starts to answer the questions and finds it so much fun she decides to jump ahead and not wait for questions to be asked but to take over and tell all of her stories and in the process all the family secrets (Or all the reasons I will not be getting title of Mother of the Year). It went something like this...My daughter says,"You know it is not polite to use your middle finger?" and the woman says, "Oh yes that is not nice." and my daughter says, "You know what it means right?" By now my heart is beating so fast and I am bracing myself for where this is going and the looks I will be getting as to why my 4 year old is talking about flipping people off. The woman replies "Yes I know what it means.." and her voice does sound like she is now trying to steer my daughter off this subject but it will not be working. My daughter continues.."It means BACK OFF!!! Get out of my face" and she said it with such force and conviction that I did chuckle a little. I thought well Thank God that is her definition of the middle finger for now and Thank God she did not feel it needed to be proven or demonstrated that morning. But she is not done..oh no there is so much more. She continues..."Did you know we use to have 2 dogs but one died! My brothers say I killed her because I threw a big football and it hit her in the head and she fell down but she had been sick and already had a boo boo on her head. It was not my fault! And did you know that my lip fell off and the doctor picked it up and put it back on (this is another story for different blog) and did you know that my Mom is on Face Book all the time (not true) and sometimes she does not give us baths at night because she is drinking wine and forgets and so she does not wash my hair and my Dad says I look like a homeless child with my dirty knotted hair when he picks me up from preschool (I am dying right now) and did you know my Mom says bad words all the time and needs to give us a dollar every time she does? My brother has $21 right now...and did you know my Mom once..." I am finally done and I stand up fast and start talking louder then her to drown her out and she gives me a dirty look because I stopped her next story mid sentence. My daughter had this look like don't worry I will finish next time..and I know she will..cannot wait. I try to gather my kids and get out of there as fast as possible and avoiding all eye contact

Maybe I will ask if my daughter needs a sedative before getting her teeth cleaned next time.....But not sure that could even stop her..

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Friday, April 20, 2012

Vincent van Gogh he is not!!

As a Mom I have received many works of art from my children over the years and I think it is safe to say that none of them seem to be the next van Gogh! So with Mother's Day approaching next month I am getting prepared for all the homemade cards and art projects that will portray my kids unconditional love for me. Yeah right! Most times I am honestly wondering if I should be concerned with their portrayal of the family! So my 7 year old son surprised me yesterday with a portrait he made of me..and let me tell you I was SURPRISED. He is so excited to show me and so proud of his masterpiece. I am a little shocked at what he thinks I look like and I try to keep the smile on my face and portray my excitement with his Labor of Love.

So my surprise portrait has me sporting one little eye and one gigantic eye and then it has me rockin' a bald hair do and I have huge Blue lips as if I just drank a Super Blue Slush from 7 Eleven. Did I mention my head is huge to match my one huge eye? Then I have a pencil thin neck to hold up my monster head which leads down to a less then flattering mid section that resembles the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the Ghostbusters movie! And then apparently I have huge hairy MAN arms to hug my sweet children with as I chase after them with my one leg. But the best part of the whole masterpiece are my long penciled in BOOBS that look like deflated party balloons..12 hours after the party! REALLY??

So after taking in the beauty of my picture I have to ask my son."Is this what you really think I look like?" And he answers, "Well you are always talking about how you need to get in shape and lose some weight, so I wanted to help you." I am processing this statement and start to laugh out loud. So he is helping his Dear old Mom from her fate of turning into an overweight half woman and half man pirate with saggy BOOBS!! I thank him for his concern and before he leaves he says "So hang that picture up and look at it everyday!" So I stand there looking at my picture again and decide I will pour a glass of wine instead of going to the Gym! I definitely think I will look like a Super Model after some wine!!

Yes I need to get in shape but more importantly I need to get my kids some ART lessons!!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Be Kind...Rewind!!

So it is official..I feel old! How did this happen? My oldest is 16 and getting his license (I threw up in my mouth a little bit) and just got his first car! Yikes. He has an older model car that has a tape player, which is very funny because teenagers have no idea what a tape player is and how can they put their CD's in a tape player? As I watch him sitting in his car and investigating everything my mind floats back to him being a little boy and I did have tapes in the car and we only had VHS movies to watch...and then I remembered....

So when my oldest was little we would go to Blockbuster every Friday night and rent movies for the weekend. This was long before the days of Netflix and Movies On Demand. He would love walking up and down the rows of movies and making his selections and then getting some Movie candy as we checked out. (those were the days) Then you had to remember to drop them back off or get late fees and if you did not rewind them you would get a $1 fee. There was a big sign as you put the movies in the drop off box "BE KIND...REWIND" Seems simple enough...right? Until the phone call I received!

So it was not unusual for Blockbuster to call those days and remind you if you had an overdue movie or if a movie came in that you had requested, so I was not that alarmed at first when I got the call! So I answer and a young man on the other end states that he is calling from Blockbuster and that there is a problem with the movie I returned. I do not understand what he is talking about. I say, "I dropped the movie off on time and I remember I did rewind." And the young man replied, "You did rewind but it is not our Movie." I am still confused as he continues "We do not have THESE KIND of movies at Blockbuster." My heart starts to race as my brain processes what has happened and he says "Ma'am if you could return our Movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I will give you back your movie" All I can say is "I am sorry I will be down." I hang up the phone and I am horrified as the full reality of what I have done sinks in. In my Monday morning rush of getting out of the house I never looked at the tape I ejected from player and put in the case! Now I have to walk into the Blockbuster and hand over the correct tape as I retrieve my KIND of movie. Great! Okay so as you might have guessed by now, some Mommies and Daddies might have some things that are not G rated and apparently Blockbuster does not have a hidden back room with movies. I gather myself together and hold my head up high and drive down to the store with the correct movie. I take a deep breath as I open the door and prepare my walk of shame. As I reach the counter the young man asks if he can help me. I start to explain "I spoke to you on the phone and I returned the wrong movie.." I did not have to say anything else. He says "Oh I know who you are.." As he pulls my movie out from behind the counter in a brown paper bag. (surprised it did not have a scarlet P on the front!) and handed it to me, I give him the correct movie back. There is not much to say but I tell him I am sorry for the mix up and as I try to make a quick get away, he says "You are lucky we check every movie, can you imagine if a kid rented that and we never checked!" Okay I am mortified as it is and I know I was wrong but I am done getting a lecture from this kid and I turn and say "Obviously you check every movie so you have seen this movie and I am pretty sure you must have enjoyed! Have a good day!" I turned and bolted with my movie and let's just say I never went back to that Blockbuster! I am pretty sure there is a special note on my membership account.

So always remember to Be Kind...Rewind.....or here is a better tip! Lock up THOSE MOVIES!!!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Farts are Funny!!

I am pretty sure the title sums up what this post is about. guessed right...Farts!! And how kids find Farts to be so hilarious! I do realize I will offend some people but let's get real for a minute. I know that the word in itself is found by many parents not be politically correct or proper, give me a break! What is proper about a fart? But there are many parents that try not to laugh or blush and teach their children words like..tooting or ducking or passing gas..whatever seems cuter then FART! But again on the topic of getting real Everybody Does it!! That is everybody farts! (GASP) So in keeping with the adventures of Motherhood there are always stories that fall under the topic of Poop! So as many of you who have been following me know my 4 year old daughter finds the topic of poop to be one of her favorites! I should have known that when she put dog poop in my coat pocket and I wore that to was just the beginning of my poop stories.

So recently my daughter has collected an Arsenal of fake poop products from the local arcade with her winning tickets..Oh joy! And I do realize that most parents would probably tell their kids that those prizes were not an option, but I was not getting off that easy with my daughter. That would fall under the category of "Pick your Battles", and what real harm could fake poop products cause?? So to my daughter's excitement and sheer delight she now has fake dog poop (better then the real stuff!), 2 WhooPee Cushions and 2 jars of Poop Goo or Fart Jars (The jar of goop that makes real fart noises when you put your fingers inside) Yes I know we are a classy family but we keep it fun. So with her joy of playing pranks on the family and using her poop products I had to set a few rules such as not using them around her grandparents and not taking them to school (would love that phone call!) and then not bringing them out in public all together. So my daughter is a smart one and she started sneaking them in her purse when we left the house and I found that out when we went to visit my friend and she had brought the fake dog poop and placed it in her house randomly. So when in the middle of our visit my friend's son started yelling from the other room and we go running and he is pointing at the fake poop and my friend cannot figure out how poop got in her house and I knew right away and had to apologize and explain. I know it is so normal for people to bring fake poop to other houses, well it is very normal for our family! I did have to laugh to myself..I have to give my daughter credit for even planning and thinking of these things at 4 years old. I am very afraid for what 16 will bring..yikes!

Okay so I think I have given a good background to get you in the theme. So let's review..Farts are Funny to kids! Yes kids are gross creatures..they love anything to do with farts and burps! Sometimes it is hard not to laugh! So I had to run out and get gas for my car the other night and my little shadow I call my daughter insisted on coming. I say "Hurry up let's go quick if you are coming." So we get in the car and she is in her seat in the back seat when I pull up the the full service station. The young gas attendant comes over and I roll my window down to ask him to fill it up and as I hand him my debit card, out of nowhere the loudest, and grossest sounding fart echos through my car! He looks at me with wide eyes and my face turns red instantly and I am frozen in shock for a second. He hands me my card back and quickly moves onto the next car that pulled up as my car fills up. He could not get away from me fast enough. As soon as I shake the shock off and realize what has happened I turn to my daughter in the back who has the biggest smile on her face and see that she has her poop goop jar hidden under her sweatshirt. She starts to laugh and says "Mom that guy thinks you farted!!" And by now I am so embarrassed and mad but cannot help but laugh. She has struck again! I try to pull myself together so I can explain to the kid when he returns to my car that I did not fart so I can try and redeem myself. I start to talk really fast and explain "My daughter has one of those fart jars in the back seat and that was the noise you heard." He has a smirk on his face and I know he does not believe a word I am saying. I beg my daughter to show him but of course she laughs and won't help me out and says "Mom you farted!" Really now he has handed me my receipt and heads to the next car to get away from the crazy farting lady! I think to myself that I am not returning to this station for awhile and as I pull away I tell my daughter "Just wait until your Prom!! I will return the favor!"

So it is not the first time my daughter has had me turn 10 shades of red and it will not be the last!

You have been warned! If you invite us to your house please frisk my daughter at the door and make her open her purse!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

This is Guest Reading! Not Sex Education!

Never a dull moment in the life of a Mother of the Year hopeful! So one of my most dreaded Motherly duties is guest reading in my kids classroooms. It honestly scares the crap out of me. I hate facing 18 - 22 kids staring at you and just waiting to pepper you with questions or just make random statements or tell you they already know the book you are going to read and don't like it! So my 4 year old daughter of course cannot make things any easier on me and my reading anxiety and chooses a book that will definitely raise eyebrows! I tried to get her to choose a cute princess book, or Angelina ballerina or one of her cute kitten books. That would be too easy. My daughter beats to her own drum for sure and she chose her "Egg" book. Sounds simple enough but it is a book on how Chickens lay eggs and how they form and show the formation start to finish and then goes on to all other animals that lay eggs and how they are fertilized and how the male animals come into play with the process. I honestly felt like I was going in to teach a LAMAO class! Learning About Myself And Others! Good Lord!

So it is reading day and I grab the "Egg" book but also throw in a cute kitten book just in case I can try a quick switch on my daughter. So I gather my composure and give myself a pep talk and tell myself they are just little kids, it will be fine. One last deep breath and I enter the class and my daughter comes running over all excited. She gives me a big hug and then looks down at the book in my hands and looks horrified! I already know that I am not getting away with the switch! She almost cries when I assure her that I have the 'Egg" book also in my purse. So I take a deep breath and get ready to enter my Mary Poppins on crack mode. I am not sure what happens to me when I am in my kids classrooms but my voice turns all sweet and high pitched and I have a plastered smile and I must look like one of those creepy Birthday clowns. The teacher announces my arrival and now all eyes are on me and the kids start to come towards me and circle me like a pack of wild animals tracking their dinner. My heart starts to race and I get my annoying nervous giggle going on and my hands start to sweat. I keep telling myself I can do this and I need to get my reading on and get the heck out of there!!!

So now I am sitting in the guest reader's rocking chair and the kids are all on the rug in front of me trying to each get as close as they can. The teacher and her assistants sit down also and everyone is now staring and waiting for me. I begin by asking the kids if they have ever been to a farm and have they ever seen a chicken? And I start to get the kids all talking and getting excited to raise their hands and tell me who has seen a chicken. I keep talking louder over them and trying to keep their attention as I begin the story of how an egg is made and how it comes out of the chicken and how it hatches. As I get to the third page of the book where they show a forming chicken inside the mother chicken and it looks like an Alien, the kids start to get wide eyed and some comment on how gross. I avoid the teachers looks because I know they are starting to think what I know I would be thinking, if this book was really appropriate for 3 and 4 year old kids? Oh well too turning back now. I keep going and then we reach the page where it shows the insides again and the egg coming out and it looks like a big egg coming out of a butt! And yes the kids now are getting louder and commenting on it looking like the chicken is pooping. I need to finish this book! I proceed onto how many farm animals lay eggs and how many birds, turtles, fish, snakes and on and on. Then I get to the point where the book talks about "Ovaries" and holding eggs and my daughter's teacher stands up and starts to say we are running out of time and stop me. My daughter looks upset and I decide I am not going to deal with her later at home for not finishing the book. I also stand up and continue as if I never heard the teacher. I read faster and turn pages faster as she tries to navigate her way to the front through the 18 kids on the rug and stop this madness of alien looking farm animal babies, pooping chickens, males fertilizing eggs and Ovaries!! I keep thinking am I going to be escorted out of the school and banned from guest reading and volunteering! Just as the teacher reaches me I finish! I look at the kids who have wide eyes and not sure what they were just read but I made it and my daughter is beaming and now I need to get out of there. The teacher is still looking at me confused not sure what to say as my Mary Poppins on crack character adds some pills and meth on top and I keep avoiding her eye contact and say goodbye to all the kids and Thank them for having me!! I hug my daughter, grab my coat and bolt! I practically run to my car and once safely inside start to laugh! I can just imagine little Bobby and Susie asking their parents tonight "What is an Ovary?" Yikes!

So if I can give any advice...I would say do not read books about pooping chickens and ovaries to a preschool class!!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Waking up to Niagara Falls!!! Oh My!!

As a Mom I take sleep very seriously! So when I climb into bed at night and dream of Mr.Sandman and his magic dust that will send me into a blissful dreamland...I am not asking for a dream of Niagara Falls that turns into a reality nightmare. But such is the life of a Mom! So as I am in such a deep sleep and so cozy in my bed, my dreams turned to something wet and then I am feeling wet! I wake up in a panic thinking I had one of those dreams that you got up to go the bathroom but really never did. I am trying to focus when out of the darkness of my room stands my 4 year old daughter at my side of the bed (of course! They forget at night that there is another side called Dad's side!) and she is touching my face trying to wake me and I realize her hands is wet and why is her hand wet? I am now awake and I sit up because I realize there can be only one reason her hand is wet and my brain screams "Pee!!!" My daughter is rubbing my face with Pee hands. Lovely! She sees that I am awake now and says "Mom I peed a little bit..I don't know what happened" I love how kids explain things. I start to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor and realize I am stepping on something wet now, I do not understand how her hand is wet and now my floor and rug are wet? I cannot see anything in my dark room so I ask my daughter "Where did you pee?" And she says "In my bed." And I again am trying to process how everything in my room is wet. I take her wet hand and lead her to her room to check things out and get her changed. The whole path back to her room is wet and then I am starting to take her sheets off when I realize a flood is running off her bed. Good Lord! I am still trying to figure out how my tiny 4 year old daughter could have peed Niagara Falls in her bed and then all the way down the hall and into my bedroom all over my rug.

I take a deep breath and decide to just pile everything wet on the bathroom floor and deal with it in the morning. I bring my daughter in the bathroom and have her try to pee one more time, before I bring her to my bed. She sits and starts to pee again for like 5 minutes. I am now thinking this girl must have a bladder the size of a pool and will end of up on the Discovery Channel with the show displaying rare unheard of conditions. I am so tried and my mission is to get back to sleep. I get my daughter clean clothes and start to wipe her clean and get her dry. We head to my bed and she climbs in the middle. I again am amazed by my husband's knack at sleeping through all night festivities and misses all the fun! I get in next to her and try to salvage some of the night and my sleep. I close my eyes and my daughter leans over to hug me and says "Mom your face smells like pee!" I think Great but I don't care, I know it is gross but I am so tired and I am not getting up to wash my face. She then says "Mom don't pee in your bed because I am tired and not moving again" I am like okay because I am the one who loves getting up in the middle of the night and being knee and face deep in pee! I say "Goodnight go to sleep"

I roll over to get one more dream in that does not involve anything wet and I think again how I love my life as a Mom and my new Spring fragrance of  Pee!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I am so Proud! That's my girl!

Having the title of Mom should also mean that nothing will shock you by now, but my kids love to still try! So the weather has been beautiful the last few days and we are having summer in March here in New England so that always means one thing....the dreaded Park! Yes the minute it is nice everyone and their kids go to the Park. Now I am not a fan of the Park as of I have mentioned before but it has been nice so we join the masses.

So we get to the Park last night and the kids take off running like animals that have been caged and were set free, and I think, well it is nice and my kids do not even want me, this could be a good thing. I am so silly when I have these thoughts of calm and bliss. So I notice a boy run over to my daughter all excited and they begin to play and I realize it is her friend from preschool so I look for his Mom to say Hello. I walk over to her to chat and relax as we keep an eye on the kids all running around. Then it happens!! I look over and my daughter is standing there with her skirt pulled up completely almost over her head showing her friend from preschool. I am standing there horrified and shocked as she catches my look and puts her skirt back down and runs off so I cannot get to her, because she knows that look and it is not good.  I love the conversations I have.."I am sorry my daughter exposed herself to your son.." (Glad these are taking place at 4 and not 16...I pray!) My friend laughed and said her son is always taking his clothes off, no problem. But I am still like it always seems to be my kid when it is a crowd and lots of people around and it is funny when it is not your kid. Great! So it is time to head back home and I have a chance to talk to my daughter in private and not make a scene.

So I start to explain to my daughter that she cannot lift up her skirt or shirt or dresses or anything when she is out in public because it is not right. So then my 7 year old son says "What is he your boyfriend??" And my daughter gets mad and says "No he is not, he is my friend that is a boy! And Mom I was showing him that I put little shorts on under my skirt so nobody could see my underwear when I climb up on things!" I again explain that she needs to keep her skirts down because her little shorts looked like underwear and it is not right in public. And my daughter continues "Mom I would never show my friends that are boys my underwear! I would only show my underwear if he was my boyfriend." I am thinking what the heck! This is not the Jersey Shore Show and where the heck is she getting these ideas. I again tell her "Friends or Boyfriends (when she is older) you do not lift up your skirt?" She then asks "Don't you show Daddy your underwear?" Good lord! I know I am so mature in these situations but I respond "No I do not show Daddy my underwear and keep your skirts down please!" She giggles and changes the subject.

I am back to not liking the Park....:)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sunshine Award!!!

How excited was I to find out I was nominated for my very first Award by the lovely, talented and awesome Just Another Tired Mommy!! She gave me the Sunshine even has a sweet name!! They love me..they really love me..okay seriously .. here I am to accept this Award and follow the directions that came with this Award!! So here I go..

1. Display Award Logo!!
2. Answer 10 Questions!
3. Nominate 10 -12 Fabulous Bloggers! Easy I have like 100 to much talent out there..:)
4. Link nominees to the post and comment on their blogs.
5. Share Love and Link back to the one who nominated you!

What is your Favorite Color?

Purple!! Love Everything Purple!!

What is your favorite animal?

Love all animals!! But favorite is dogs and I love Pugs..especially chunky Pugs..:)

What is your favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink?

Easy!!! Coffee...Lots of Coffee!! Hot Coffee!

Facebook or Twitter?

FACEBOOK....Hands Down!!

What is your Passion?

My Family...Love my family!!

What is your favorite Number?

I have always loved of my birthday!!!

What is your favorite Pattern?

I love stripes!

What is your favorite day of the week?

Friday!! TGIF!!! Love Friday and Friday nights are my favorite!!

What is favorite flower?

Daisy!! Love how sweet and simple they are...

To Give or Get Presents?

To GIVE..hands down...I am a giver!!!! Love to give!!!

Fabulous Bloggers I Nominate...So much Talent!!! People I stalk..they might not know...but I do....go check them out...Give Some Love!!!!

Funny Pregnant Lady

The Petite Young Blonde

Not Winning Mom of the Year

A Family Rearranged

Walking Between the Grapevines

Heathers Happenings

Clutter Cafe

Ironic Mom

Daddy Knows Less

Miss Banana Pants

Frugal Tasters

Okay...Go Get Em'......So Fun!!!! Woot Woot!!!!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Brace Yourself...You Have What We Call "Mom"!!

One of the requirements of being a Mom is to take care of everyone else including the pets before yourself. Okay so I am joking a bit, but this is what happens. Sad but true story! The only time we get 8 hours of sleep might be on Mother's Day once a year if we are lucky. Gone are the days of making it to get your hair done every 6- 8 weeks. When I put on moisturizer we are talking Spa Level Day for sure. And when is there time to fit in our doctor's appointments to make sure we are okay and the Dentist?? Forget about it. So while are kids are at every Doctor and Dentist appointment on time and dressed like kids of the Movie Stars, we look like strung out crack addicts from little to no sleep with bad roots. So whoever said "Kids keep you young!" Needs a punch in the face! Biggest lie going.

So I had hit a wall and was at the end of my rope. I just felt like what am I doing wrong? I used to pride myself on keeping it all together and now three kids later..not so much. I think Moms feel that they are suppose to always smile and say how blessed they are with great kids and a great life. And that life can get crazy but it is all good. I started to think these Moms have to be on something and a little blue pill must be behind that smile. Nobody can be a Mom and not be a little crazy! So I had reached a point where I would tell anyone who would listen that I felt like I was losing my mind and the kids were driving me insane! So my sister told me that there was nothing wrong with going to my doctor and looking into getting something to help with all my Mom stress. I used to also pride myself on Parenting with no Prescriptions or Phd, but desperate times called for desperate measures! So I called an made an appointment to see my doctor.

The day of my appointment I felt a bit of relief from the idea of getting some help. I was a little embarrassed but knew I had to do something. I was so stressed and felt like I was yelling at my kids all of the time lately and thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. As I sat in the waiting room I was talking to myself in my head and was telling myself not to back down and I needed to be brutally honest about how stressed I felt. Then I had a flash for a moment and was wondering what if he thinks I am so bad he wants to admit me for an evaluation, and I have heard that they can keep people for up to 48 hours. I actually started to get a little excited at the idea of being sent away for 48 hours, I might be locked up in isolation but what Mom looks at that as a punishment. So as the nurse called me in, I was thinking about my husband getting the call that his wife might be crazy (and he would probably be like tell me something I don't know:)) and needs to be evaluated.  I was ready! I can do this! So my doctor comes in and sits down and starts with the usual "So what seems to be the problem? What brought you in here today?" And I couldn't help myself it just came flying out my mouth "I think I am crazy! I think I am losing my mind!" I even startled myself but there was no stopping me now, the flood gates were open and I kept talking "I feel like my heart is racing even when I lay down at night, my hands feel numb, I cry for no reason at random times, I lock myself in the bathroom to get away from my kids, I yell all the time lately, I feel so overwhelmed, I cannot concentrate at work, I feel like I am breathing heavy all the time and I cannot remember anything at all lately..." And then I just started to cry and my doctor stood up with my chart in his hand and came over to put his hand on my shoulder. I started to compose myself and calm down thinking "Now I have really done it! I will be locked up for sure! No turning back now." He had me take a couple of deep breaths and checked my heart rate. He then sat down in front of me and started to laugh. I was shocked! Why is he laughing? What is going on? He then said "There is nothing wrong with you. You are a MOM with three kids and work full time. This is all normal. You are perfectly fine! You are just fine, you have what we medical professionals call "Being a Mom" You might want to work out more or take some yoga classes to help release stress but all is good!" I was still in shock. Was I not clear enough? Did I not look desperate enough? He gave me a pat on the back as I left as if to say "Go get em Girl you got this..get back out there!!" 

I walked to my car totally disappointed, no little blue pills were coming my way anytime soon. As I sat in my car ready to go home I started to laugh out loud and could not stop. What a lunatic I must have looked like! And the words kept playing in my head.."Your fine! Your a MOM!!" I drove home thinking I would look into some yoga classes. I will try anything at this point because I guess there is no cure for being a "Mom".

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just call me Goldie Hawn and I have gone Overboard!

There are times as a Mom that you honestly feel like you are going to crack and really lose it! I often wonder if my husband or kids will find me sitting in a corner drooling and talking gibberish. There is only so much a Mom can take before she is sent to a point of no return. My point was yesterday morning when I was in the midst of total and utter chaos. There are never any real warning signs of these mornings but when they out! So I wake to start my normal routine of madness not knowing it was going to be kicked up to a "Code Red" kind of morning. (I do honestly think red flashing lights are going to start going off in my house on these such days with a loud voice announcing Code Red!! Code Red!!) So I do not even make it to the top of the stairs before my oldest comes out of his room and announces he needs $15 cash this morning for a Basketball Tournament he entered. Okay I do not have $15 on me and as I start to process this as I head downstairs my blind diabetic dog is having a fit and needs to go out, so I let him out. (Might not remember to let him in again) So I decide I need to run up the street to get money from the ATM so I run outside and discover my car is frozen and covered with snow from the latest snow storm. I pour hot water on the door to pry it open and start the car to try and warm it up. I run back inside to find my other two maniacs up and asking for breakfast and talking about school and their lunches and then start to ask a million questions. My oldest comes down and says he is going to be late, I tell him to watch the other two because I have to run and get his cash. I get in my car that is still covered in snow and make my way to the ATM barely with limited visibility because there was no time to brush off car and get it clean. I make my way back and run in triumphant with money in hand and my son announces that his ride left because I was not back and I now needed to drive him to the High School. Great! Now my time is already set back and I am so behind. I tell the other two I will be back in 5 minutes. As we run back out of the house he tells me the milk was bad in his cereal and not to use it..another Great! As I think of what to give the kids for breakfast. I drop him off and run back home to figure out breakfast with no milk for cereal and decide to make pancakes, as I open the pancake mix I drop it and white powder goes all over my kitchen and it looked like a winter wonderland. I am about ready to snap at this point. Then as I try to clean and salvage some pancake mix to squeak out 2 pancakes and feed the kids my son asks where Taz the dog is and I panic!! I never let him back in. I have flashes of him being lost or hit by a car...I throw on boots and race outside to find my blind dog in the snow. My two little ones follow me out the door crying that their dog is lost and how could I forget about him. Good Lord!! Not sure how I could possibly forget anything in my calm , tranquil life. I search and search realizing I am never going to make it time to get my son on the bus and drop my daughter at preschool and get to work for a meeting. I am cursing my blind dog in my head and finally we find him in snow bank cold and scared. I carry his morbidly obese body home through the snow with two happy kids. Back home I start the pancake process again and as I am flipping pancakes I start school lunches and snacks. I throw the pancakes at my kids and tell them to eat quick as I grab clothes for them to put on..all the time saying "Hurry up, let's quick..come on..brush your teeth..get your backpack.." Then I go back to the lunches, pancake mix still covering my counters and peanut butter and bread flying everywhere as my son starts telling me he is going to miss his bus. I tell him to open the front door and flag the bus to stop as I literally threw things in a bag and tossed him his lunch out the door! As I turned to run back in and get myself dressed I looked around at the disaster I call my house and sat down and started to laugh. (More like a crazy laugh instead of a humor laugh) All I could think of was Goldie Hawn in the Movie Overboard with Kurt Russell. The scene where she wakes up and is trying to get the kids ready for school and make lunches and she is putting M&M's in the peanut butter sandwiches and throws everything in a bag not even wrapped up and she does not know the kids names and is like "I do not think I belong here" That is how I felt yesterday and I actually wondered if maybe I was not meant to be going through this madness and maybe there was a yacht waiting for me somewhere and this was all a dream or maybe I had lost my memory. I think many Moms must feel most days that they do not belong in their crazy houses and maybe this is really not happening! And then the kids find her in the corner drooling and talking gibberish and they tell their Dad (Kurt Russell) and picks her up and dumps her in a cold bath to snap her out of it.  So as I continue to run around like a mad woman I continued to laugh and think.."Maybe I will be thrown in an ice bath when my family finds me in the corner drooling and babbling" Because it is only a matter of time and I am not Goldie Hawn and I checked that morning to make sure my husband was not Kurt Russell while he slept in bed. Okay back to the grind..not sure that yacht is out there waiting for me!!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

15 Things about Me! Come in and See!

So I am following in the footsteps of some very talented Mommy Bloggers and participating in the challenge of writing "15 Things about Me!!" So This is a shout out to Overworked Super Mom, You know it Happens at Your House Too and Somewhat Sane Mom!!
 So here is my attempt and list for people to learn a few things about this blogging Mom!!

1. I never grew up wanting kids and never thought I would have any kids. I actually did not even like kids and I hated babysitting. I would change the clocks to send the kids to bed early so I could watch TV and not have to deal with them. I know it sounds mean, but I had no patience for kids. So it is kind of funny that I have 3. I have 2 boys and 1 girl. Tyler 16, Michael 7 and Shae 4.

2. I am the youngest of 4 girls and have three older sisters that are also my best friends. We are so close and talk every day. It drives my husband and kids crazy that we are so close and have to talk every day and multiple times a day. Every time the phone rings my family says it must be one of your sisters calling...and they are right!! But I love it!! I always have 3 best friends no matter what. I am so lucky!

3. I love Christmas!! It is honestly my favorite time of the year and always has been. I love everything about it!! I still have a fake Christmas Tree up in my house and people will drive by and ask me if they saw a Christmas tree in the window. Yes!! Yes they did! I usually leave up at least 1 thing Christmas year round and find it funny to see it when it is in the middle of the summer..:) But I love the magic of Christmas and I Believe!

4. I also love Snow!! People get so annoyed by me because I love love Snow!! I grew up in the Berkshires and we always had lots of snow and life was wonderful! I still live in New England outside of Boston and I love our normally crazy winters. People will complain about Winter, but not me. And we are suppose to get a snow storm today and I am so excited and waiting!! Fingers crossed it is true!! I get so excited when I see the first snow flakes fall!!!

5.I live on Coffee!! Hot Coffee!! I drink Hot Coffee even in the summer..I do not understand Ice Coffee...Coffee is suppose to be Hot!! :)

6. I love Red Wine!! Love it!!! I have a sign in my kitchen that says "I cook with Wine and sometimes I put it in my food!" Love this sign! Sounds sad to admit I love wine, but I do!!

7. I love cold pillows! Sounds funny but I love to get in bed and rest my head on a cold pillow and when it warms up..then flipping it over and the other side being cold!! Awesome!

8. Love Sports!!! I am so into sports..Football is my favorite!! I get depressed when football season ends..I love being a girl that knows sports and can talk to guys about sports and they are always impressed about how much I know and most times I know more then them. I played soccer, basketball, and softball in school. My dream would be to have my little girl want to play football like her brother. A girl can dream!

9. I love Lip Gloss! All kinds and colors. I do not know why but I will always put lip gloss on even if I have not showered and I am in sweats and a Hot Mess! Lip gloss fixes everything and makes me feel good no matter what. It makes me feel girly!!

10. I am so competitive! I get myself in so much trouble sometimes because I talk so much trash and never back down from a challenge.

11. I am a very forgiving person! I never hold grudges ever and never stay mad at anyone. I feel being mad is a waste of energy.

12. I work full time as a Corporate HR Director and it is a crazy job but I love it! I work better with stress and I do love having a career and a family! I have been a stay at home Mom early on with my oldest son and then I did go back to work. I have the highest respect for all is crazy being a stay at home Mom and a working Mom!! We Moms rock!!

13.  I love volunteering and helping people. I volunteer a lot and it is one of my favorite things. I have always loved helping people even when I was a little girl. I do every walk or run to help raise money for people. I do the Relay for Life most years, I walk the Avon breast Cancer Walk with my sister every other year, I walk for Hunger, I walk for Autism, I walk for Diabetes, I run for ALS and many more. I always give coats and food and toys every Holiday and if I hear of a family struggling in my area I will drop off something to help. I always feel that helping is so important and I raise my kids the same way. My dream would be to go and help build houses or anything to help areas in need...especially in our own country. I would go anywhere, I feel I was meant to help people.

14. I have always wanted to be a writer! I love to write and grew up writing poems and stories. Unfortunately I was always told that I could not do that as a career and it could be a Hobby. I so wish I had someone supporting me to follow my passion. I raise my kids to do anything they want and sky is the limit and beyond! So I love blogging and it is so much fun. I know I am not the best writer and do not have an English degree from Harvard, I just love to write and being a part of a writing community!! So fun!1

15. Lastly, my big secret!! I love being a MOM!! Love it!! My kids are my life! I surprised myself because I never wanted kids or planned to have them ,but it happened and I was a natural Mom!! They drive me crazy and I will never be a Stepford Mom, but I love being a MOM!!

Thanks for reading and sorry if I bored you, but it was fun!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Star of the Week!!

So I am dropping my 4 year old daughter off at preschool right before school vacation week and the teacher grabs me and says "Don't forget your daughter is Star of The Week!! When we return to school." I am looking at her with a smile and nod my head as if I absolutely know what she is talking about, but as I walk away I start to process what she said and it hits me.."Are you kidding me? Star my A**...that is code for a school project on vacation week!! And it is Preschool for God sake!!" You know how I feel about school projects to begin with and now I have to do it on a vacation week...ugh...I sit in my car and curse out loud for a minute to make myself feel better. So my daughter comes home from school with a note explaining that she will need a poster board with pictures of her and all her favorite things and she will be the class leader all week and wear a special crown and then I can come in and read her favorite book to the class. I love how people assume the Mom would love to read a book in front of 18 kids!! I would rather be stung by bees, but my daughter is so excited and telling everyone she is Star of the Week!!

Okay so we get the poster board this week and start looking at pictures and what she wants to put on it and I try to get in my Mary Poppins on crack mode and help her with this. Then my brain goes to what I really would love to do if I knew the authorities would not be called and my children taken away. I wanted to put random pictures on the board that were not my daughter and not our family and for her favorite things put pictures of Las Vegas, slot machines, poker tables, Martinis and the Jersey Shore cast! And when I go in to read to the class I would read from the Vagina Monologues. A girl can dream right? The Stepford Mom's would die for sure! Little Bobby and Susie going home and asking their Mom what a "smoosh" room was.  But no...I summons my best Martha Stewart and my daughter goes with the pictures of our family from Disney and Christmas and she wants me to read "The Great Race". Not sure whose daughter she is but if you want to play it safe I will support her!

So maybe this Star of the Week won't be an episode from the Chelsea Handler Show, but there are many years until Graduation!!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Okay so Eve ate the apple, but it is okay for Adam to have crumpled up socks?

So this is part two of the Adam and Eve saga. I thought there needed to be a part two because even though a lot of us women blame Eve for eating that apple and throwing us into a lifetime of pain and suffering as women and as Mom's now raising daughters. What about Adam? It seems to me the guy got off pretty easy. What if God told Adam you can have anything you want in this Garden, the Bud Light beer tree, the nachos and wings, the 60 inch plasma TV, unlimited sports name it and it is yours. All I ask is that I never find one crumpled up stiff sock discarded anywhere in my "Garden". Adam would have been evicted Day 1! Especially with Eve running around with just a fig leaf on.

So I joke, but honestly we face the challenge of explaining to our daughters about periods, cramps, tampons, shaving Oh My!! Now boys are a different story. I remember a friend of mine telling me..or warning me when my oldest son was near teenage years, she said "Have you noticed towels missing or have you found any crumpled up socks in his room or under the bed?" I was thinking to myself what an odd question and growing up in a house of girls I had no idea about missing towels and socks. I told her, "No, not yet." And she told me it was a matter of time and said "Avoid the socks and when it starts just tell him to pick up all his own laundry and put it in the washing machine because he is old enough now, and sometimes you won't find any they will just go missing and whatever you do never open his bedroom door without knocking first once he starts closing it all of the time."  I still laugh to this day about her ominous warning, but as a Mom of boys that turn into teenage boys, she was so RIGHT!  So when people say boys are so easy..they are, but good lord there is no way to really prepare a Mom for the crumpled socks.

So my friend had me scared to enter my son's room and collecting laundry was like an episode of "Fear Factor".  I felt like I was waiting for something to happen and I was checking to see if towels were missing and looking under the bed praying I did not find anything. I totally understand that kids go through things and I also know that "It is totally natural to explore ones body" but when it is your baby it is a bit much to think about. So life went on as normal and things did start to change and the bedroom door started to close all the time and the bathroom door was locked always and showers seemed like forever! (I think Teeange boys could be the cause of water shortage problems) So I was armed with the knowledge of crumpled socks and I was prepared for my little boy to enter the world of "I rock because I am a man and have a Penis!" So my Victoria Secret catalogs started to go missing and the Sports Illustrated swim suit edition was no longer  gross but scooped up like "Gold" and cherished. Then "Sock Day" came and I must have let my guard down and forgot and went to collect the laundry and as I was taking the sheets of my son's bed a bunch of socks fell out and I froze, I felt like I should be wearing a Bio hazard suit and I was in the movie Outbreak and had been exposed to something. I gathered everything quick threw it in the wash and that was the last day I collected laundry in his room.

So you have been warned, Eve might have eaten the apple but Adam has some hidden crumpled socks in his Garden!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I stayed at a Holiday Inn last I got this Mother thing..

One of my favorite commercials of all time were the ones for Holiday Inn that had people pretending to be Brain Surgeons or Race Car Drivers and people would ask if they knew what they were doing and they would say "I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night I got this.." That is pretty much how I feel most days as a Mom. There is no license, degree or certification that prepares is pretty much you get thrown in..handed a baby and see you later..Good luck!
So the other day I was helping my son with his homework and he said "Mom do you know what you are doing?" And I replied "I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night!" He looked at me like I was crazy, the same look I get most days from all my children, and just shook his head. I laughed because I wanted to say "Of course I have no idea what I am doing!!" What Mom really knows what she is doing or what she is going to face each new day of Motherhood.
We are the new breed of Super Heroes, you might not see the cape, but don't worry it is tucked behind the glamour to protect our identity. We can conquer anything thrown at as. I will never forget after I had my third child I was feeling overwhelmed and not sure I could do it and a good friend of mine said, "Crack addicts with 6 kids do it, of course you can do it!" I laughed and was like, "Not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or worse, but I was like yes I can do this, I am not a crack addict and I will be okay!!"  So when my kid throws a rock for no reason at a strangers shiny BMW in the grocery store parking lot and I say "Hurry up get in the car!!" and we get the Hell out of dodge. (yes we Moms are quick thinkers) Or when your baby has an explosive atomic diaper on an airplane and you have one wipe left in your bag and you manage to clean up 30,000 feet in the air with some sprite and beverage napkins. Nothing will stop us from conquering each day with kids in style and with grace. Yeah right!! So go time your kid knocks over a display at the store, or has a tantrum in public and throws themselves on the ground with everyone staring or your child tells a sweet elderly gentlemen "Stop looking at me old man!" just tell everyone to calm down you got this under control.."People it is okay..I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night I got this!!!" Yes they might think your nuts, but at that point..Do you really care??

So go ahead and enjoy your Super Hero status...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Damn you "Eve" for eating the apple!!

I was giving my 4 year old daughter a bath last night and as she was playing in the bubbles she stuck her leg out and was like "How can I get these dark hairs off my leg?" I was shocked that she would even notice at her age that she had hair on her legs and I was hoping and praying I had many years before having to deal with this subject. So I start to explain to her that everybody has hair and it is part of life and when she is older she will probably shave...and then she lost interest and went on playing in her 4 year old world. I laughed to myself as I went to get her a towel, but all I could think of was when I was a little girl and in Catholic schools and we learned about Adam and Eve and how Eve ate the apple she was told not to and now women are destined for a life of pain and suffering. I remember reading the passage in the bible that was talking about women suffering and in pain with cramps..(Something along those lines..) And as a little girl it sounded pretty scary and now as an adult I know it is pretty crappy at times dealing with all the topics of Womanhood, it is scary! And I will be helping to explain and educate my daughter on all of these topics, so at that moment I wanted to shout from the roof tops "Damn you Eve!!" (I know extreme but true) Was it honestly that hard to stay away from the one apple tree that was off limits? I am sure they had a Martini Bar somewhere in that Garden and I am sure there was a tree covered in chocolate truffles and don't get me started on all of the fresh grapes that could be turned into wine! But no you had to have that apple so now I am faced with explaining hairy legs and other parts, shaving, waxing, periods, cramps, maxi pads, tampons and mood swings Oh My!!! (Think I could make a song out of 40 Hit!!) I hope that was one hell of an apple!! It probably was not that attractive to be running around in fig leaf bikinis with hairy legs.

I would hope by now that you know I am kidding and not really blaming Eve for the challenges of raising a daughter (If you do not have a sense of humor you should probably leave) So I went to bed last night actually not looking forward to what will come with having a daughter. Yikes! Honestly I am a woman and not prepared at all!! Kids are a challenge in general but boys are so much easier..yes you have to deal with the stage of missing hand towels and crumpled up socks under the bed and rooms smelling like locker rooms, but pretty easy. Girls..ladies...young women..chicks...senoritas...a whole different story!! I had flashes of my journey to womanhood and laughed out loud! Good lord!! I remember being at a friends house and her outside the bathroom talking me through a tampon insertion. Or all the times of asking your friend to walk behind you and check if there was anything red on your pants and always having a sweater ready to wrap around the waist. Thank God I have some time to prepare because I definitely need preparation! I know they have books to read with your daughters to explain the changes and challenges they face with their bodies and becoming a woman, but I was thinking of going old school and handing my girl a copy of "Dear God are you there? It's me Margaret" I mean Judy Blume is a rock star and helped me through and answered a lot of questions for me..:) But honestly how do the books on the market right now really prepare our daughters? I am sure they are cute and put a sweet spin on some ugly truths, but I think we need to get real!! So I am thinking about putting together a little book, manual or guide if you want to call it to help my daughter through the crazy path of girlhood to womanhood and I like the title "Damn you Eve for eating the Apple!!"  Stay Tuned!!! 

For now Eve should wax to rock the fig leaves....

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Stepford Mom's Kicked Cupid's A**!!!

So this week we had the big day of LOVE...Valentine's Day! Many people have mixed feelings about the day but for Mom's we do not really have a choice but to join the love fest for our children and support this HallMark Holiday. The dreaded note from the teacher came home once again that the classrooms would be celebrating V-Day and to send in a Valentine for every kid in the class and attached is a list of names. The instructions were to either have your child make Valentines at home (yeah okay, get real) or buy them at the store and then each child was to bring in a special snack for that day (for themselves, not the class). Seems pretty clear to me, but apparently the Stepford Mom's read those instructions as a chance to summons their inner Martha Stewart on crack!

 So I go the store and pick out a box of Valentines for my kids classes and I have to admit there are some cute ones and most come now with stickers, lollipops, tattoos, pencils or a piece of candy. My son was so excited to get Star Wars Valentines that came with a small magnet for each one which blew away his little Jedi mind. So for $3.99 he thought he was a Rock Star and he was excited to fill out the Valentines for his whole class and I laugh that he would start writing a name and spell it wrong and then cross it out and start over, they were a mess but he was so proud and who is 1st grade!(The over achievers would probably have a heart attack letting their kids hand in messy Valentines) Then I grabbed my daughter's Hello Kitty Valentines and filled them out really quick because she can barely write and I did not have the patience to go through 18 Valentines with her. So off they went to Celebrate a Day of Love with their classes and I was glad that it was over and I was so proud of myself that I actually managed to get them Valentines and filled out and to their classes.(Rock Star Status and maybe a few MOTY points...maybe)

That night at dinner I ask my kids how their day was at school and did they have fun? I tell them to go get their bags of Valentines so they can show me and tell me all about their Valentine parties. (Yes I can be nice at times and be all motherly, but don't spread that rumor) So they are so excited and bring me cute bags that they decorated at school and inside is all their Valentines. I start to look and for the most part they are normal Valentines we all buy at Target or Walmart, with SpongeBob, Power Rangers, Kittens, Star Wars, Hello Kitty, Disney Princess and on and on. Then of course, there always has to be the couple of over the top Stepford Mom Creations that annoy the crap out of me. What part of following instructions do these Mom's not understand? And do they honestly think the other parents believe their 1st graders did these Valentines?? And why don't these Mom's realize that it only makes trouble for the rest of the Mom's when we have to listen to our kids ask "Why didn't we do ones like that?" And I have to answer "Because we are not on crack!!" I totally understand that some people love to get their craft on and use these Holidays to put their Stepford in Hyper drive and I say "All the Power to you!!" but keep it in your house! And if you cannot help yourself and you cannot follow the directions of the teacher then please send in a disclaimer with your "crack creations" It should say "I am sorry but I cannot help myself! I have a void to fill and need to be an over achiever, I have not worked this out in Therapy yet, but I am trying. I know I will annoy the rest of you Mom's with my over the top Martha Stewart, Good Housekeeping creations!! Also I am in a loveless marriage but need to keep up the perfect perception of the Norman Rockwell family. Also it is not easy being a Stepford Mom I was up until 5am making these perfect Valentines and I will need to take an extra dose of my anti anxiety medication to get through the day!" Then I would be like okay they are crazy but they know it and we can all move on.

So you can take your homemade crafts and shove them where your Son of a Martha Stewart don't shine! And I am going to propose at the next school board meeting that Parent's have a choice to be in a class with Stepford Mom's or not. The class list right now has peanut allergy alerts and I think it should also have Stepford Mom alerts!!

Please answer the following questions?

1. Do you contact the teachers over the summer to be the first to ask to be class Mom?
2.Are your kids dressed perfect everyday with matching outfits and hair perfectly combed?
3.Do you insist on going on every field trip with your child's class?
4.Do you get a teacher gift for every Holiday including Flag Day?
5.Do you actually read to your kid every night for 20 minutes as suggested by the school?

If you answered yes to these questions then an "SM" will be listed next to your child's name on the class list.

But to be fair to the Stepfords they should be warned if their kids are in class with the rift raft of the underachieving wine drinking Mom's.

Please answer the following questions?

1.Does your child ever wear matching clothes to school or have his/her hair combed?
2.Can you be sure your child will never teach another child a swear?
3. Would you rather drink Bloody Mary's and Mimosas then go with your child's class to a farm or pumpkin patch?
4. Do you ever remember to bring a camera or video camera to your child's school plays and Holiday Concerts?
5. Are you the last one to make their way to the Volunteer sign up list and then find it is full? Darn!!!

If you answered yes then call me you are my kind of Mom!!

Okay sorry Cupid but the SM's kicked your a&&..maybe next year buddy!!! Maybe you can compete with the homemade cupcakes from cupcake wars or the homemade flower bouquets made out of Hershey kisses!!!