OPK Factor..Other Peoples Kids!

I realize that most people think that when you become a Mom you instantly develop this love for all children and life becomes an instant Johnson and Johnson ad...not so much. It takes all my energy to deal with the three I have why do I want to deal with other peoples kids that I don't even know. Give me a break! And just like when someone cannot stand cats the cats will always be all over them, I am a kid magnet and they love me. I will never undertsand why! I do not feel I present myself all warm and inviting, I actually try to go with the crabby overtired look most times.

So I bring the kids to the park last night against my better judgement, I had a lapse in sanity, but it has been unusually warm the last few days. So I go in attempts to sit and relax for a few and for my kids to run around and exhaust themselves. Perfect plan until the dreaded..OPK arrival in front of my face. I try to avoid eye contact and hope he will move on and that he really wasn't looking at me, but I could not be so lucky! And so it began.."Hi my name is Bobby (I always change the names to protect the innocent) and I am 6 years old and I just lost a tooth and I can climb that jungle gym all by myself and I have a little sister and blah blah blah.." Oh my God is this really happening to me, I look around as if to see someone secretly filming me and I am on hidden camera or better yet I always wonder if I am on the Dateline show "What would you do?" So I try to keep it together and as I stand up and say "That is great Bobby! I have to go check on my kids, see ya later." and I try a quick escape, but to no avail, he is latched on and following me. He continues without any interruption "And I am allergic to milk, so I have soy and I like apples do you like apples?"  I want to say to the kid " Don't your parents tell you not to talk to strangers?" I continue to walk toward my kids on the swings and pray he will lose interest. I start to canvas the park and try to see where his parents are or who he belongs to. It continues..make it stop.."I take Karate and I am the best in my class in math and I can ride my bike without training wheels.." I have to get away so I tell my kids let's take a walk around the pond and I tell little Bobby that it was so nice to meet him but we are going to take a walk now. Of course it could not be that easy! He says "I will come, let me go tell my Mom!" I want to scream but I wait to be polite, no Mom is gonna let her kid take a walk with a stranger. I watch him make his way to a woman on a cell phone and he tells her something and points in my direction and she nods and waves. What is happening? He runs back and says "My Mom said okay!"  And it takes all my strength to not say "Your Mom is on crack!" So we all start walking and I am horrified that this woman I have never met just sent her kid with me, does she not watch the news!! I need to make this walk quick and get the heck out of the park! And the whole walk it continues "My Mom says that I can take swimming lessons this year and I love apples did I tell you that? and I like riding the school bus and my grandmother picks me up on Tuesdays from school and my favorite class is gym and recess is alot of fun..." All I can think of is getting home and getting a glass of wine! So the walk ends and I finally say to Bobby.."We are leaving have a good night! Go see your Mommy." And I watch him head towards another Mom sitting on a bench reading a book and I want to yell and warn her..too late he is there and she is trapped with a plastered smile on her face. I laugh to myself..good luck to her!!

So when did the bathroom become the new spa?

It is one of those days that has turned into one of those nights where bedtime cannot come soon enough and your Mom patience level is at the limit and the breaking point is coming! And coming fast! I need a break..I want a break...I want to have a mommy tantrum...but wait...there is an answer...the bathroom!! oh yes...my little retreat. I grab a glass of wine and a magazine and run into the bathroom..lock the door behind me and finally I am alone! I start to relax and take a couple of deep breaths..sit on the floor with my wine and then I hear it in the distance.."Where's Mom?"..oh no they have noticed I am gone. It is so annoying that kids have this sense when Mom has disappeared. They will never realize they are the reason Mom's disappear but yes they notice. Now the house is on high alert and everyone including the dog must find Mom! So annoying! The voices become louder and closer as they check every room.."Mom! Mom! Mom where are you?' I do not answer..I am in my hideout and I am very mature I know, but I will not give in until I absolutely have to. Finally I hear them approach and I see the doorknob turn and then when the door does not open I hear it "Mom are you in there? The door is locked" ..I really want to say.."No shit Sherlock because I locked it to keep you gremlins out!" but I am trying to meet Mother of the Year status so I take the mature road..wait for it..I respond "I am pooping! Give me a minute..it is bad I wouldn't come in here if I were you." I hear them as they retreat saying "Let's get out of here..so gross!" and I am alone! Yes I have won! I continue to sip my wine and read my magazine..I am in the Mom spa!

Okay so as I sit in my spa I do realize that life has taken a very funny turn, as I have said before the life of a Mom is very glamorous. I remember the days before kids where the talk of poop would never happen and to actually freely admit that you had to poop was never going to happen. It was all a mystery and our signifcant others probably thought we were freaks of nature and just happened to be the only girls that did not poop. Yeah right. I think my husband is now wishing and longing for those days instead of the current days were poop talk is frequent and common conversation. I learned  pretty quick as a Mom the only topic that keeps your family at a safe distance is the talk of gross bathroom habits and the talk of #2!! The more time you need the grosser it has to be! It does not matter if you are exhausted and going on no sleep they will be all over you, it does not matter if you have the worse head cold and want to die..again they will be right next to you asking for a juice box..so when desperate times call for desperate measures you need to go to the talk of stomach cramps and I am going to be in the bathroom awhile. I am sure my family thinks I need to see a specialist at this point but I do not care. I have even brought a pillow in and laid on the floor for a quick nap. These moments of peace do not come without a price of course, you need to develop a thick skin from the embarassment of your family sharing your bathroom habits with anyone who will listen, but so worth it!

So ladies..grab a glass of wine, a pillow, a good book or magazine and head to the one place nobody wants to follow you...the Mom Spa!!

Has it been 6 weeks already!!

I have friends that recently have had babies and friends that are having babies soon so I have been strolling down memory lane. Oh what memories they are!! But one of my all time favorites is the reaction the men in our lives have to a certain date..a certain appointment..a monumentous 6 week marker!! Can I get a woot woot!! Ugh...And we women are like no way..has it been 6 weeks already!!

It took me a little while to pick up on the signs that the 6 weeks was coming up but once you have had a couple of kids or more, it all becomes so clear. I always laughed at how attentive they become, flowers for no reason, favorite candy, some wine or random chores completed without even asking. Very odd behavior all of a sudden. And I love how the morning of the appointment they are like you all set? Do you need a ride? And I am like "Why are you so concerned?" "You were never this concerned when I went to all my other appointments!" I use to be like remember I have an appointment today and my husband was like "Okay..and then a pause...for what again?" We go for so many appointments for 9 months..sugar tests, blood work, ultrasounds, stress tests and more, but no other appointment is as important as the 6 week follow up!! I laugh so hard thinking of their concern, and it is real concern. What do they think the doctor is going to say? I know what the women wish they would say, but we couldn't be so lucky! So the appointment is pretty uneventful and the standard.."all looks good..do you have any questions or concerns?" And I am like "are you serious? I have many concerns!! Where do you want me to start?" But actually I say nothing and just smile..and I always feel like the doctor is like okay that a girl now you go back out there and get em' like we have just been removed from the injured list of the team. Good lord!

So we make our way home and go about our business as usual hoping we are not asked how the appointment went and try to avoid eye contact but it is only a matter of time before the question comes "So what did the doctor say?" And I want to say "Oh it was not good..not looking good at all!! Doctor has never seen anything like it before, not sure it will ever be the same again..but no I just say..everything is fine." I keep laughing to myself, I give men alot of credit..nothing will deter them. And I mean nothing. Were they not in the same delivery room as us? Did they not see what came out of us and how it came out? Was it the sexy mesh hospital underwear and extra large maxi pads with tucks cooling pad combo? Or was it all the talk of uterus shrinking back to normal? Or maybe it is the Victorias Secret style nursing bras and milk soaked breast pads? Or the way you become a sprinkler system the minute you get to take a shower? Not sure but it is all so sexy and glamorous! Kind of funny what becomes fore play post kids!!

So girls enjoy....those 6 weeks fly by.....

No it is suppose to look like that!!

Okay so let's go back to the beginning where this all began. Where I headed on the path of realizing that I could have been Mother of the Year if...only if I had not...So 16 years ago my first son was born and I had no clue what I was in for. As most new Mom's I read the famous book "What to Expect When you are expecting.." and don't get me wrong it is obviously successful selling millions of copies. but I need to say that I could never have expected this. Let me also preface that I was the youngest of 4 girls in a strict Irish Catholic household, so that alone had me even more unprepared for having a boy.

So I have my boy and we are heading home to start our journey together and the nurse at the hospital walks us to the car and her parting words to me were "Just remember you are not only raising a child but a future adult". I will never forget that, no pressure or anything. It was as if she knew something I did not at the time, but good lord lady I am already scared to death. I kept repeating that in my head on the ride home."Future adults" I was like I never thought of that! Now I am a wreck and praying at the time I don't end up on the Jerry Springer show thinking it is a surprise your Mom with a spa day but wham it is a confront your Mom with a you ruined my life!!

Okay we are home and getting settled in that first week and I felt I was really on top of things and loved that little boy so much, all would be good. But not so fast, I was changing his diaper one morning and was horrified, something was wrong. I could not imagine what happened, was it an infection? I was scared, not sure what to do and waited for the doctors office to open. I thought to myself , how do I explain this? I need to be strong for my son and I will have to be direct and to the point! I will just have to say it "I think there is something wrong with my son's p****" I am horrified, as I had mention my household was all girls and strict Irish Catholic so at best we talked in terms of wee wee's, whoo whoo's, thingies and down there. So now I am faced with talking about my son's p****. Good Lord!! Okay so the office opens and I explain what the problem is and they tell me to come right in to see the doctor.

As I sit and wait in the office for the doctor I am cuddling my baby telling him everything would be fine and Mommy was there. I was a nervous wreck! Okay moment of truth the doctor comes in and I lay him down on the table and as I explain my concerns, the doctor says "Let's take a look and see." As the doctor looks and then looks at me, I know something is wrong. The doctor looks confused and finally says "That is what a penis is suppose to look like. Nothing is wrong." My face turns bright red, my heart starts to race. I am mortified! The doctor makes a little small talk but the whole time he is looking at me and the look clearly says! "I would think by this time you would know what one looked like to be standing here with a baby?" I just want to crawl under a rock and get the heck out of there as soon as possible. I Thank him and gather my things and exit as fast as possible. As I get my son in his car seat I think, are they going to call DSS on me and report me? They must think that poor baby.. that mother has no clue!!

Needless to say I switched doctors that day and never returned to that office..how embarassing! And my son has survived 16 years so far with me as his mother...not gonna lie..there have been some bumps in the road..

Hello! Who is this? Click..

I remember the first time I heard the sweet sound of my childrens voices and how cute it was when they started to babble and when they started to say "ma ma" or "da da". And how excited I would get and keep encouraging them to talk and clap and cheer when they repeated a word I was saying. What was I thinking? Good lord. Now I am like I cannot believe I encouraged this and make it stop! Not so cute anymore.

Okay so they have mastered talking and they want to share this gift with everyone which is why it is only natural for kids to want to talk on the phone. Again this is my fault and something I encouraged when it was cute. When I would have them say hello and there would be a grandparent or aunt on the other end thrilled to be a part of this momentous occasion.(oh so cute) Then we progressed into everytime I was on the phone I had a child trying to grab the phone from me because it was their turn. (not so cute)

So the talking thing is no problem, and now my 4 year old daughter has become a master in answering the phone and not because we want her to but because now she insists it is her job! Okay great, but as we try to explain to her that there are some guidelines to answering the phone, she does not care, she will answer the phone! It has become a competition at this point as to who can get to the phone first and she has pushed me, tripped me and basically done a double tuck roll to beat me to the phone. When she gets to the phone it goes something like this "Hello, who is this? okay..click" As I am there trying to get the phone from her grip and telling her not to hang up, most times too late. She thinks this game is so fun! Now in recent days she has graduated to answering and telling people she is home alone or that I am asleep and cannot come to the phone or I am busy drinking wine (which are not true). So I have tried to make sure when I am upstairs and she is downstairs and I will not have any chance of beating her to the phone I have moved phones out of her reach. I do not always remember to do this!

So as usual my mornings are insane with trying to make sure kids get ready for school, lunches are made, dog fed and on and on and on..Yesterday morning I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and did not hear the phone ring with the water running and my daughter comes in with the phone and I hear her say "Okay bye." I ask her "Who were you talking to?" and she says "some lady" And I am like what where you talking about?  My daughter says "She was looking for you and I told her you were in the bathroom Pooping!" My heart stops and my brain is trying to process what she just said. I grab the phone to look at the caller ID praying it was one of my sisters but of course not. It was my doctors office calling to confirm an appointment. I am mortified! I ask Shae " Why would you tell her I was pooping! I was brushing my teeth!" She responds with...as usual..typical Shae.."I thought it would be funny!"  And she runs away laughing. And I think to myself I cannot wait until she is a teenager and a boy calls for her and I tell him she cannot talk becuase she is pooping!(I know so mature)

So if you call my house and Shae answers...just hang up! and fast!

Margaret What the "Bleep" is wrong with you??!!

Everyday as a Mom is an adventure and some days are more adventurous then others but never a dull moment for sure. I often think that after having three kids and going through every stage possible that most things by this point in my Mom life would not shock me, but I was wrong! Of course I was wrong! Have I not met my youngest? Not only is everyday an adventure as a Mom but everyday and everytime I take my four year old out is an extreme adventure. So this fateful night was no different.

I should preface just a bit that as of recent one of my kids' favorite topics is what is a "bad" word and what isn't and constantly telling on each other and telling on their older brother and telling on my husband and I and who is falling on the bad word list! As we drive from activity to activity I usually hear fighting in the back seat and I get "Mom, Mikey said a bad word! He said the "S" word!" or "Mom, Shae said a bad word, she said the "D" word!" Usually in true MOTY fashion I try to tune them out and every so often just yell back "Both of you stop saying bad words!" But once in a while my interest peaks and I am like "What is the "S" word anyways?" Usually my 7 year old will tell me he cannot say it becuase it is on the bad word list and I say it is okay if you are telling your Mom..okay so go...wait for it...he musters up the courage and finally he says "Stupid". And I am like really that's all you got..and he is like Mom that is a bad word and I remember that I am a role model and say "of course it is and your sister should not be saying it!" Then I continue to ask and make sure I know what words are on the list becuase clearly we are talking about two different lists! So I get the "s" and "d" and "p" and "F" words galore..."Stupid..Stupid Head..Dumb Head..Poop head..and mother of all words "Friggin!" I think well that list isn't what I thought but maybe I am a better Mom then I thought if this is the bad word list for my kids..so I just remind my kids that yes no bad words will be spoken from that list, they are not nice. Okay maybe I am moving up on the Mother of the Year list..I rock....okay not so fast!

So typical crazy night of life, homework, laundry, clean up, let the dog out and ugh...need to run to the grocery store quick. I am about to run out quick, let my oldest know I will be right back but no that easy..my shadow otherwise known as my four year old daughter decides it will be so exciting to come for this quick adventure. Fine, let's go but it is going to be quick and you are not getting anything! So we get to the store and I opt to not grab a basket or cart..like I said quick..need two things..okay we run in grab the items and then of course grab two more and then two more..so my arms are full and at this point I am forced to head back to the front and grab a cart. With my daughter behind me I am about to place all of the items in the cart when I miss the cart and items go flying and crashing to the ground! Everyone around me stops from the sudden noise to look and see what the comotion is and before I can even comprehend what I did and how this happened and before I can even react..the voice behind me clear as day for the whole store to hear says "Margaret! What the F*** is wrong with you!!" My heart starts to race and my face is now bright red and hot and my head starts to pound and I am frozen for what seems like forever. My brain is trying to process what just happened and tell my body to react. I look up from where I had been starting to pick up items off the floor to see the stares of strangers..some older people with looks of disgust..some younger with smiles and snickers and one man came up close as to see what would happen and like there was going to be a show starting. And some were looking and waiting for a response almost saying "Yeah Margaret what the Bleep is wrong with you?" I swear time stood still..but really was like 20 seconds..and I turn to look at my daughter and I must have looked like the Exorcist because she was clearly frightened and stepped back confused and continued to talk loudly still "What's wrong Mom? F*** is not a bad word? What's wrong with F***?"  The stares continued and I tried to compose myself and be careful with my reaction. As a Mom these days we are all aware that everyone has a cell phone with camera capabilities and I was not looking to become a youtube sensation overnight. And then I wanted to address the crowd that still seemed to linger, waiting for my reaction and say "What are looking at? You never heard the F*** word before?" and then I thought better because they probably had not from a sweet looking 4 year old girl.

I took Shae by the hand and moved her behind a display of Oreos with her still confused and insisting she did not know why I was mad! I calmly explained to her that F*** was a very bad word and it was definitely on the bad word list and she was to never say it again no matter what! I then grabbed my items and went to the express checkout and moved quickly to the exit looking at the cameras over my shoulder wondering who really watches those tapes and how many am I on!! :)

I will now pay attention very closely when the review of the bad word list comes up and make sure my children are aware of the correct list! And I do realize that one of the criteria for Mother of the Year will not be having a four year old that swears like a truck driver coming off a 14 day road trip across the country!!

Are you doing your son's homework?

I will never understand the teacher's that think it is a great idea to send projects home for the weekend. Really? So as I open my 1st graders backpack Friday afternoon to unload the left over lunch and stacks of paperwork that is always coming home (by the way if we want to know how to save our environment we should start with the elementary schools, good lord the amount of paperwork!) and I find a brightly colored sheet that looks different. I stop to read this sheet before I toss in the recycle bin with the rest of my son's prize work and I need to read twice to comprehend, it goes something like this.."Your son has been chosen to be star of the week, so you need to make a poster board with photos and ...blah...blah...blah..." Oh and the best part is it is due Monday. I am still standing in shock when my son sees me reading his project sheet and starts to talk all excited about how great it is that it is his turn and all I can think of is how am I suppose to get this all done. And then he continues to tell me what Johnny, Bobby and Susie have done so far when they were "Star of the Week!" and it takes everything inside me not to respond with "Well Johnny, Bobby and Susie's parents are on crack okay!", but no I just keep listening with my plastered smile trying not to add more reasons why I will not be in the running for Mother of the Year. So when he is done I respond with "That is great!! This will be so fun!!"  I start to think of everything I have to do..that's right I said it..what I have to do for my project..I love how teachers' think these really will be a 7 year olds project. Are they going to the store to get more ink for the printer, and photo paper and poster board and stickers..don't get me started.  Homework and me do not have a good history together.

I do not know how parents have time for homework. I understand that the kids are suppose to be doing their homework but in the chaos of life and trying to get dinner, give rides back and forth to sports and activities, feed the dog, throw in some laundry there is always a kid sitting at the table in the middle of this chaos doing homework. So I am the one who helps with homework like this..As I pass back and forth and check on them, I see if they are stuck or just sitting there looking confused and see what has them confused. So if they are filling in a word and the answer is "The" I am the one who goes like it starts with "T" and could have an "h" in the middle and then possibly end with an "e". Then my kid goes "The" and I am like yes you are so smart! And if they are stuck on Math again it could be 7-5 and I am like if you had the number "7" and then took the number "5" away you could possibly be left with "2" and my kid goes then the answer is 2..why yes it is..again you are brilliant! (I see Harvard in the future!) And then the next morning when you are putting their backpacks together and looking at their homework and it is not finished and you did not notice the night before and you finish it for them because you know there will be no time (and believe me it is not easy trying to make it look like they did it and match their writing). So this is how it all began..and probably why I was left off the Mother of the year nominees list..(well one of the reasons)

I will never forget opening my email and seeing the subject line "Re Michael's homework" and as I read it my heart stopped for a second, it went something like this "Mrs O'Neill I was wondering if you could call me regarding Michael's homework. I have noticed that someone else has been doing his homework and did not know if there was a problem....." I was mortified, did not know what to do. I had been caught! What am I going to do? I am so embarassed! There is only one thing I can do at this point...Lie!! So I write back to the teacher and tell her I am so sorry and had no idea that when Michael's older brother was helping him with his homework he was doing some of it for him and it will never happen again...yikes that was a close one! (I am sure she did not believe me and thinks I am crazy!)

So when I woke this morning and the "Star of the Week" was not complete yet and I grabbed the crayons to add some touches I stopped myself...not going down that raod again...

Living the Dream..one pocket full of poop at a time!!

When you live the glamorous life of a Mom..the topic of poop is so common (unfortunately) that I don't even raise an eyebrow..(until..but we will get to that!). Who would have known as a little girl dreaming of her prince charming and her happily ever after that the Chapter on Poop...Crap..and more poop would not have made it into the fairytale. Oh well, we Moms learn real quick that our lives will be surrounded by poop!  From all the years of diaper changing, to explosions that have you and the baby both in the tub, to picking up babies and toddlers to do the snif the bum check which seems like a millions times to the potty trainers and older who sit on the potty and then yell at the top of their lungs when they are ready to be wiped and then to passing the poor dog who has been patiently waiting by the door ready to poop right there on the floor because he is ignored half the time post kids. I would love to know how many times a day the word "Poop" is brought up in my house? From, What smells like poop? Who Pooped? Watch out for the dog poop! Do you have poop on the bottom of your shoes? Did you flush the poop? Like I said it is very glamorous!

Okay so when the Chapter of Poop in my life continued it did not shock me that my 4 year old daughter became obsessed with dog poop! For whatever reason she wanted to take over being in charge of letting our dog outside and watching him do his business and then excitedly announce when he did and run over to inspect. As a Mom you know they all go through their phases..okay so this one was a little weird but I go with it. But when she started to get so excited when she ran over and was ready to pick up the poop with bare hands, I had to intervene and explain that "We never pick up dog poop or any poop with our bare hands ever!" She looked confused by my horrified reaction but listened to me explain how to use the amazing "Pooper Scooper". So she was so proud to be in charge of the back yard clean up and announced to her brothers that was her job and nobody else better touch the dog poop. Maybe I should have been more concerned by her interest but if she was happy and not bothering me..all is good!

So I think I have given enough background on our family situation with poop that I can move onto that fateful day where I did raise an eyebrow! Both eyebrows!! It was a normal crazy morning running around making lunches, getting kids on buses and trying to quickly throw myself together and get to work. I never claim to look like a supermodel but it was raining again this morning for work and it makes it even harder when you are trying not to get soaked! I grab my rain coat that had been hanging by the front door still from the last rainy day which was just a day or so ago. And off I go on my normal crazy routine. I arrive at my corporate offices, late from the crazy rain driving and head into the office to check in with my coworker and see what is going on and we talk about how bad the rain is. I am trying to get my bearings and dry off a bit and I am about to take off my rain coat to hang it when I go to put my car keys in my pocket first and my hand hits something and Iam confused. I don't remember putting napkins in my pocket but maybe it was from my trip to the coffee shop. As I continue to pull out what is in my pocket I still have not even had time to process the possibility of what I am about to see. I pull out a napkin in the middle of my place of work full of my dog's morning business that my daughter decided to pick up with a napkin and place in my coat pocket! I am shocked and my heart is racing out of my chest from panic and my cheeks are bright red by this time and finally my brain kicks in and I race out of the office as my coworker is still talking and I fly to the nearest bathroom to flush the dog poop and scrub my hands and wash out my coat pocket. All the time I am still trying to figure out how this happened? How did I not notice? And how did I not smell it my whole drive to work?

As I pull myself together I head back to my office to very concerned looks and I have to explain myself and watch horrified looks by my coworkers and know I will never live this one down! If I hear one more time "How did you not smell it?" After things calm down a bit I call home and tell my husband what happened and asak to speak to my daughter! She gets on the phone and says "Did you get my surprise Mommy?" And I tell her, "Yes I did! Why would you do that?" she laughs and says "I thought it would be funny!" Great this is 4, I cannot imagine 16!!

Let's just say I am now known at work for bringing dog poop in my pocket!! And I check my pockets everyday before I leave the house!

I see Dead People...and can you get me a juice box!

I have been a Mom for the last 16 years and I will never get used to the late night, wake me out of a sound sleep from a child lurking in the darkness next to your bed. I will never understand why my children cannot come in normal and just say"Mom!". I would still probably jump a bit at the sudden noice, but that would be so much better then the slither in, make their way next to my side of the bed and then just put their face right in front of mine and wait for me to finally wake to the feeling that someone is watching me. Then I jump everytime and my heart is racing out of my chest and my eyes are trying to adjust to the darkness of the room and there stands a little creature that finally announces themselves as one of my children. So annoying!

So last night was no different and as I am so tired and so comfortable in my bed, fast alseep, I am woken in true scare the crap out of me fashion by my 4 year old daughter. I awake to the same horrible feeling that someone is standing over me in the darkness watching me and try to focus my eyes and then comes a creepy raspy voice "Mom I need a juice box.." I am still focusing and I all I can think I heard is the voice of the boy from the sixth sense saying " I see dead people". I swear I am dreaming for a minute and the voice comes again out of the darkness "Mom I need a juice box.." I finally can focus and see my daughters face an inch from my face staring at me. My heart starts to slow down from thumping out of my chest and I tell her to...wait for it.."Get your own juice box" (I know..MOTHY..sending a 4 year old downstairs in the darkness by herself in the middle of the night..but at that moment..I meant it..) She looks confused and I say "Just get in the bed next to me and give me a minute." I pray the stalling tactic works tonight and she is half sleep walking and just passes out and goes back to sleep. I am not getting out of bed tonight..I am so tired..it is cold and I just don't want to!! (mommy tantrum in my head)

Then I drift back to sleep thinking this is getting ridiculous..I don't wake my kids once they are so comfy tucked in bed asking them to get me a glass of wine..:) and I don't wake them to let them know I have to get up and pee in the middle of the night, or that I heard a noice or to just talk middle of the night jibberish that makes no sense at all. I make a mental note to myself to start calling them in the middle of the night once they are adults to wake them and tell them when I get up to go the bathroom or if I am thirsty..I know I am so mature when I am exhausted.

In the midst of my mental meltdown in my head, I never noticed that my daughter was in my bed still waiting for her juice box and in her waiting she began to sing a song and kick her father on the other side and I guess I had been saying "Just a minute for the last ten minutes" He caved got up and went down to retrieve the juice box..came back and I say "I would have gone" I get the same look I would have given at that moment in the middle of the night. So I roll over in relief that for once I did not have to get out of my comfy bed, but drifted back to my sound sleep knowing that it was only a matter of time before I was woken again by the "I see dead people voice!!"

Mother of the Year!!

So I am driving on a nice fall day and as I am stopped at a light I look over and see a sign posted in front of a town hall..."Congratulations Mother of the Year! Andrea Smith". I could not stop laughing and could not believe such an award actually existed. My favorite saying is "Well I am not going to win Mother of the Year this year!" So in this cute town near me they have a Mother of the Year contest and children submit essays as to why their Mom should win. Then it is published in the local paper. So the winning essay went something like this "Her smile is like a rainbow after a fresh spring rain and her eyes sparkle like rays of sunshine and her laughter is like birds singing out side my window....blah blah blah" For real? Okay maybe I am jealous perhaps? If my kids write anything about me it is all lies. Everytime they make me a card in school for Mother's Day it is always about how they love me for my cooking (I cannot cook) and how I spend time in my garden (I do not garden) and how I do arts and crafts with them (not so much!). I kept thinking about what my kids would write for my Mother of the Year essay. Would it start something like.."I love how my mom's reflection bounces of her wine glass in the kitchen lighting as she puts chicken nuggets in the oven and the way her head spins around just so when she is in the middle of a mommy meltdown....". So sweet..could actually bring a tear to my eye.

Okay for real. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves as moms? And do we think there is this secret checklist of mistakes and do we really aspire to be Mother of the Year? I actually think it is more fun to almost get there..be so close..within reach..and then say oh well maybe next year! I laugh everytime I hear women say "Well I'm not gonna get Mother of the Year this year!" Let's talk instead about what kept us out of the running for MOTY! Was it the day you cut mold off the last piece of bread in the house to complete your kids school lunch, or was it when you got the call from the school that your daughter had no underwear on under her skirt at school (preschool), or when you lost it and threatened to leave your kids in a Wendy's parking lot, or when you told your kid that the tooth fairy was sick and could not make it that night, or when you told your kids french fries were one of the major food groups, or when you start using Santa Claus as a bargaining tool as of 4th of July, or when you really pretend to be all torn up about not being picked again to chaperone a field trip (that you never signed up for, and you do not understand why you are not picked? bummer),or when you get the note in your kids backpack that maybe a warm coat should come to school with them now. The memories could go on and on!

So I am starting an annual award for the best reason a Mom was kept out of the running for Mother of the Year! Details to come...:)